Since December...

Since December three people (including Nathan) in my family have been diagnosed with cancer...all on the same side of the family too. I found out about the latest diagnoses on Monday.

I'm trying to write a blog around this...but honestly I don't know what to say...so for now I'll just end this post and try again later


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhoneu

New Blog

Hi All! I'll no longer be updating this blog. At least I won't for the next 43 weeks. Instead I've created a blog to follow Nathan. Please click here to read and link to it!

Miracles and Wonders

I was reading the Bible today and for some reason a passage stuck out to me:

46Once more he visited Cana in Galilee where he had turned the water into wine. And there was a certain royal official whose son lay sick at Capernaum. 47When this man heard that Jesus had arrived in Galilee from Judea, he went to him and begged him to come and heal his son, who was close to death. 48"Unless, you people see miraculous signs and wonders," Jesus told him, "you will never believe.". 49The royal official said "Sir, come down before my child dies. ". 50Jesus replied, "you may go. Your son will live." The man took Jesus at his word and departed. 51 While he was still on the way, his servants met him with the news that his boy was living. 52When he inquired as to the time when his son got better, they said to him, "the fever left him yesterday at the seventh hour." 53Then the father realized that this was the exact time at which Jesus said to him "your son will live." So he and all his household believed. John 4:46-53

Now the verse that most stuck out to me today was 48. To dig a little deeper I went to my MacArther Bible Commentary for an explanation, here's how he explains it:

48 Unless you people see signs and wonders. The "you" is plural. Jesus addresses these words to the Galileans as a whole and not just to the nobleman. The response of the Galileans was fundamentally flawed because it disregarded the person of Christ and centered in the need for a constant display of miraculous signs. Such an attitude represents the deepest state of unbelief.

Now let's look at another story:

5When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. 6"Lord," he said, " my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering." 7Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him." 8The Centurion replied, "Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9For I myself am a man under authorithy, with soldiers under me. I tell this one 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it." 10When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, "I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12 But the subjects of the king will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 13 then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.". And his servant was healed at that very hour. Matthew 8:5-13

The thing that really just grabbed me was in John the man didn't believe until the miraculous sign was done. Do we realize who our God is?? Do we really? (I'm including myself in this 'we'). Do you have any idea the amount of people God has healed from cancer???This is huge to us, but to God it's nothing. He told Lazarus to come forth, goodness He raised himself from the dead even. We don't need to question God's ability. I just like to read the Gospels sometimes just to remind myself of who I serve.

I've always loved Matthew 6, now it's taking on a new meaning. The Lord covers so much in that chapter but I especially like starting at verse 25 where the Lord tell us not to worry. And He didn't make it optional which always struck me as odd. How can we not worry???? But in verse 33 He gives us our answer, He said to seek Him first. Instead of pondering or worrying we're supposed to spend time we'd waste on that seeking Him.

And you know what, so far I've found it helpful. I thought before if I ever was in a situation like this I'd go crazy. I truly thought an issue like this would do that. Sam and I were just talking yesterday about this and believe it or not the conversation was around "how are we still standing?"

For those of you who are truly praying for my family please continue. I was talking to my friend yesterday and she asked if I had peace because that's what she's been praying for, that the Lord will give me peace. At first I'm thinking , I still don't have peace but then it hit me after we got off, I actually did sleep sound the last three nights, there's been a TON of laughter this week even through two hospital visits and truthfully I don't dwell on this situation, I do think about it of course but Sam and I are moving forward...yes I'm starting to feel better. So those of you praying, it's getting heard, please don't get disappointed if God doesn't answer our prayers the way we may want.

I'm loving our Savior right now, this situation stinks but He's teaching Sam and me so much. We thought we already knew but there's so much we just didn't know that we're learning through this. I'm reading back through Matthew and John I'm looking at not only how God healed but the way people approached him. We often quote how God healed the blind man but what did he say to him in the process. What did Jesus say to the man lowered in on the mat? How did he address Mary and Martha when he arrived at Lazarus's tomb? And too don't you know God could've stopped the beheading of John the Baptist??

We're talking about God who created the heavens and the earth just by speaking. The same God who rebuked the winds and the waves.

I truthfully just started this ride I have no clue how hard the journey is going to get and honestly i'm not going to spend too much time thinking that far ahead anymore. But I'm comforted knowing who's in control of this situation and that He's not only going on this ride with us but commanding the ship.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

How to Discipline

Nathan took a flying leap off of the couch today!!!!! Sam and I were so happy but then something occured to us...he's not allowed to do that!!!! Then I got to thinking of something else - How in the world do you discipline a child going through chemotherapy???

Now my doctor told me that I have to still discipline like I would if he were well. That advice has been some of the best ever, it helped us teach Nathan to listen to the doctors, especially when things are being done to him that are painless (such as blood pressure) and it's helped.

But I used to believe in time outs and sometimes spanking but spanking Nathan right now just feels weird (I would say whoopins but I don't know if that's politically correct:-) Peyton of course has noticed us let up a little and is taking full advantage of this situation.

But also the doctors point out that what Nathan is going through can be traumatic to adults so who knows what it does to a child. And we have noticed changes in Nathan's personality, so much so that when the 'old' Nathan shines through and he starts cutting up, it actually bring us joy, weird huh. Now I wouldn't go visiting other people now, not sure they'd feel the same way we do :-).

My only fear is starting bad habits. Nathan has to eat a ton of calories while on chemo. I was actually told the more fattening foods the better. Plus chemo changes your taste buds, things he used to like he now hates. Actually he only wants pringles...so for two days he ate pringles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...I know this was a dream come true for him but I had to talk to his dietician about this because we felt he was getting away with murder. Poor Peyton begged to do the same but we didn't let her. When we went back to the doctor I was told he gained two kilos (whatever that means), but he had a heavy sweater on too, I refuse to give pringles any credit.

So that's what's on my mind today. I'm trying to maintain some stability around here not easy but has to be done. I haven't got my formula down yet, I'll update more when we do.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Surprises

So Nathan had to go to the hospital on Monday to have his blood counts checked. He's getting a shot daily at home to boost his blood counts as they tend to drop after chemo. Anyway his counts had to be checked because this shot has the possibility to boost his counts too high. See we're still new at this, when we went last week his counts hadn't changed but they wanted to check him Monday because if they wait until Thursday they may boost too high. (I know my explanation needs work, I'm new to this). If the counts are too high or out of the range of what we consider normal then side effects can occur like bone aches.

Anyway when I got there Monday I asked if they were going to take blood from Nathan's port. The nurse said they could though they'd prefer to take to from the arm or finger. The least amount of times they access the port is better because it lowers the infection risk. So I knew taking it from the arm was out so I told the nurse we'd try his finger.

I was sooooooo nervous about this. Getting blood from Nathan is next to impossible but we'd never done his finger. But guess what??!!!! He did fantastic!!!!!!!! He didn't even flinch!!! I was soo proud of him. I pray it's this easy in the future. His counts were high so the shots are stopped for now.

Tomorrow is chemo. Please pray that his blood counts are good, pray for strength for Nathan. He left Monday in a great mood, saying bye to everyone with a huge smile, it was really cute. His hair is bushy, Sam decided not to cut it yet until it starts falling out but it looks kind of cute. I really love that little guy!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Can I do This

I have a horrible migraine. I want to sleep and at the same time I don't want to. I'm just wondering if I can do this. I know there's no choice but Lord can I do this????

Chemo is tomorrow and Nathan is starting to act better. But Lord next week is his hospital stay when he'll be knocked back down again.

I just found a survivor story online. I contacted the mother who left a number for me to call her. Her daughter's situation was similar to Nathan's. But Lord as I read her journey online, the ups and downs, I just don't know if I can do this.

Lord I need strength so badly, not sure if I can do this. It's still the beginning, but Father I don't want to go through this.

What if Nathan gets a fever? What about the side effects from radiation? What about the sores in his mouth from Chemo? Lord the nausea? I just can't do this.

Lord how will I know what is causing him pain? His vocabulary is so limited, how will I know?

Lord give me the confidence of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendigo when they entered the furnace. Grant me just 1% of Solomon's wisdom. Give me the same heart as Hannah help me to entrust my only son into your care.

Lord you love Nathan. You made him and you know him. Give him peace. I'm not sure how much his young mind can understand right now. Heal his little body. I know we have to go through but Father please go easy on him. Calm him Lord. Hold him in your arms.

Lord is there anyway I can take his place? Can I please take his place, my life for his, my body for his?

Spare my child Lord. I know I don't deserve to have this answered any more than the next person. But I'm going to be asking it for awhile. Please spare him, let him grow up, get married and grow old serving you.

I know you'll get us through this no matter what. Lord you talk about peace that passes all understanding, Daniel had it in the lion's den, Paul wrote about being content. It exists, I know it does, Lord I need that, not just for me but for Sam and Nathan also.

Lastly Lord I thank you. I thank you for blessing me with my children. I thank you for a wonderful child like Nathan. Lord strange enough I thank you for trusting me with such a huge responsibility, especially since I don't trust myself. I thank you for a Godly, strong husband like Sam and a bright beautiful innocent daughter like Peyton. I thank you that Peyton is to young to understand this. I thank you for friends and family who have surrounded us. I just thank you for hearing my prayers. I thank you for everyone taking time to pray for us. There's so many people out there praying similar prayers I just thank you for the oppurtunity to present mine.

Lord help me to do this. To be strong for Nathan, it's such a long road I don't want to crash and burn now. Lord just please help me do this. In Jesus name Amen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Trust God

As I'm being comforted by people now the most common thing I'm being told is to trust God. But I'm starting to wonder if we know what trust is, more specifically do we as Christians know the difference between trust and faith...

A good friend of mine has children with food allergies, this is very serious because if they're given something they're allergic too they can possibly die. She has to be very careful all the time and most important she has to trust God with her children. She ministered to me today telling me how she learned she doesn't have control, God does and how she had to come to that time in her life.

I met another beautiful mom last week who's child also have Rhabdomyosarcoma. She's been dealing with it longer than me, but she said several times our children are borrowed from God and she too told me about trust...

Then I was reading "When God Doesn't Make Sense" by James Dobson and he gave a wonderful illustration in his book that I'm going to paraphrase;

"There once was a tight rope walker who was the best in the world. His reputation was without blemish. This tightrope walker decided to walk across a deep cliff pushing a wheel barrow. He asked an onlooker "Do you have faith I can do this?" the onlooker said "of course I have faith you can do this!!! Your reputation precedes you!" The tightrope walker then said "Since you have faith, hop in the wheelbarrow as I push it across."

You see that's the difference, and going through this today, I told my friend I wonder if I've ever trusted God for anything before now and I don't think I have. Before this I don't think I knew the difference I may have thought I knew but truthfully I really didn't.

I'm still learning. I truly am learning. Learning not to say I trust Him but to mean it in my heart which is what God looks at. God may heal Nathan which is my only prayer, but then again He may not. So do I trust Him no matter what He decides?

That's where I am right now. It's the position given to Sam and me. Nathan has been doing well lately, he's playing and sleeping back in his bed though right now he's next to me :-)

I look at the road ahead and we're weary. I told Sam it's hard to think about the upcoming treatments and radiation. I don't want him poked and prodded anymore and put under everyday. I want it to stop. I have to send Peyton off with my parents who drive a Lexus (more trust - those darn toyota people). But I have no choice. God can remove it now if He wanted. He spoke and Lazarus came forth. He can do it but right now He's choosing not to. And lately I keep feeling something nagging me. I know God is at work. He's in this situation I've already seen evidence. He knows I have faith in Him and He knows I've said I trust Him but the nagging still remains. LaToya do you trust Me? He is God and Nathan is His first. I'm going to trust Him on this one. Not saying it's going to be easy but I have the most comfort in His plan no matter what that is.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Song

So my wonderful Hubby has banned me from listening to the below song, only because I cry everytime I hear it lately. The words are just beautiful and I've been playing it on repeat. I don't know if it's helping or hurting either but I do know the tears flow whenever I listen to it. Something about that wonderful name moves me :-) I'll write more tomorrow because it's getting late and I have to tuck in, but Nathan had a good weekend so I'll tell you about it tomorrow! God Bless

What Happened?

A lot of you are to waiting to hear from me just to know what happened. What lead to Nathan being diagnosed with Cancer?

SATURDAY January 2, 2010

This is my day to sleep in. Sam came into the room with Nathan and they both had their coats on. He showed me a lump under Nathan's left ear. "Have you seen this?" I hadn't. He told me that he'd already called the doctor and that he was taking Nathan in.

I prayed because the lump looked really weird. It was huge and hard. Sam called me on the way from the doctors office saying that it was a severe ear infection and medicine was prescribed. The lump was from the infection pushing up against the ear drum causing fluid build up.

So Sam picks up the prescription and they come home. Nathan is still acting normal. Life continues.

THURSDAY January 7, 2010

Nathan had begun waking up during the night. Sam and I have never had an ear infection so we're figuring he'd been waking up from that. We talked to several people who told us they can be very painful and it just made sense.

I went into his room though early Thursday morning and it looked as though he had a stroke...it was very slight, I almost couldn't see it, but something was drooping, so I called Sam in to confirm and again the doctor was called.

Nathan was taken back to the doctor and diagnosed with Bell's Palsey. A condition where the face can become semi paralyzed due to an infection. Also his prescription was increased. We went home and of course I jumped on the internet because I'd never heard of this and I found it. Bell's Palsey can occur after an infection. Makes sense.

The new prescription given was supposed to be a 10 day prescription. I was told he should gradually begin to get better. We were told though that the Bell's Palsey would talk awhile to heal. A follow up appointment was made for January 19, 2010,

THE NEXT WEEK STARTS

Nathan slowly started acting worse. We were told that the prescription would knock out the ear infection and that we could give him tylenol for pain. The fussiness should begin to go down.

Again Sam and I have never had an ear infection and we talked to a lot of people who did that week and they said that they are excruitiating.

Over the next week Nathan quit sleeping. He quit eating. Actually he went in the cupboard and found some old baby food and begged for it and I gave it to him (I didn't even know it was in there). He was being potty trained and doing well at it but he quit wanting to do that.

TUESDAY January 12, 2010

Nathan was walking around the house begging to be carried crying almost constantly...It didn't make sense. Then he went and laid on the couch, something he NEVER does. So I called the doctor and they said to bring him in at 4:00 pm. I got off the phone and called Sam at work. While I was on the phone with Sam Nathan pops off the couch and starts walking around. Ok, I thought maybe I'm overreacting. I've never had an ear infection, maybe I should just wait until the follow up appointment. So I call back and cancel the appt.

WEDNESDAY January 13, 2010

Sam looks at Nathan late that night and questions the movement of his eye. Not sure but it looks like it's moving incorrectly on the side that has Bell's Palsey. Nathan has quit sleeping in his room and started sleeping in between us. His ear infection seemed so bad that we figured we'd let him sleep with us now and just break the habit later. It seemed to be helping him having him sleep in between us.

That night I give him some tylenol and we all go to bed.

THURSDAY January 14, 2010

Nathan is waking up every 20 minutes holding his head crying screaming "Help Baba!" Scares us half to death. We rock him and he's able to go back to sleep.

At 6:00 am we wake up (Sam's working from home this day) and we have a long talk. "Sam to me he's getting worse not better" Sam tells me "But by my understanding ear infections are pretty painful" I say "I know but I'm not comfortable" Sam says "Then we'll call again."

I call his doctor and he tells us to bring him in again, he may be resistent to the medication, which happens. So Sam takes him.

Sam said that when he got there the doctor checked his ear and said "that's funny, his ear infection actually looks better..." Sam told him about all of the personality changes we've been noticing. Then Sam said "Dr. get down in front of him and move in front of him so that his eyes follow you because it looks to us that his eye isn't moving correctly." The doctor does it and Sam said his entire demeanor changed. He said that has nothing to do with Bell's Palsey or an ear infection and he stepped out to make a few phone calls.

Sam was then sent to Marymount hospital for an emergency CT scan. He called me on the way and I started praying. After a horrible week and him saying what had happened so far, I knew in my gut that something was seriously wrong with Nathan.

About 2 hours later Sam called and said "what are you doing? Whatever it is drop it and meet me at Dr. Yeh's office right now, they found something on the CT scan" He said that the doctor doing the scan didn't even let it run for more than two minutes before he shut it down and called our doctor and then told Sam to go back to our pediatricians office because something was found.

I was hysterical. Literally. I called my neighbor and she sent her daughter to get Peyton and another little girl I was babysitting and I did 80 mph all the way to the doctors office.

When I got there the entire office was empty, cleared out for us. The receptionist sent me back to where our pediatrician was with Sam and Nathan. When I saw Sam I knew something was seriously wrong. My husband NEVER cries and tears were streaming.

Our doctor briefly explained that we were to go home and pack our bags and head out to University Hospitals where an Oncologist was waiting. ONCOLOGIST????? WHAT???? Why is an Oncologist waiting for us??? I started asking him what it was they found but he said that they didn't know other than it was a huge mass in his head. Everything else he said was a complete blur.

I remember walking out of that office crying, the receptionist grabbed me and hugged me but I didn't care.

I got in the care and called my father in tears and he said they were already on the highway.

My parents reached the house when we did and got Peyton, we packed quickly and went to the hospital.

We were admitted onto the pediatric Oncology floor.

FRIDAY January 15, 2010

Nathan is put to sleep to undergo an MRI and more detailed CT scan. Whatever this mass is, it's growing pretty fast.

We met a huge team of doctors etc. Cleveland may be known as one of the poorest cities in the country but it ranks at the top in medical care. One of the best pediatric neurosurgeon's in the world is at University Hospitals so as far as medical care went I knew we were in the best spot for this horrible situation...but I still didn't want to be here.

Later that night we sat with the Oncologist and met the Ear Nose Throat Surgeon and his team. A biopsy was going to be done in the morning on Nathan's mass and we had to be told about the risks.

The Oncologist then sat and talked to us. He told us, it's actually unethical for him to tell us this but based on the mass and the way it was pushing through Nathan's bone he's more than positive it's malignant. I broke down crying immediately. I didn't want to hear this!!!!! My son is three!!!!! Cancer!!!!!! This happens to other people! Not us! I planned this family! It's perfect! He has to be wrong!!!!

The doctor left to give us some time to digest this. When he came back he walked in with Dr. Barksdale...(Yes world renowned Dr. Barksdale). Our Oncologist introduced him to us. The reason why they were telling us tonight that they thought the tumor was malignant was because they wanted to move forward with putting in a metaport right after they did the biopsy. Dr Barksdale would do this. What they would do is take tissue samples and look under the microscope and if it was malignant they would put in the metaport (device used for chemo therapy). The reason they wanted to do this is because Nathan's mass was extremely aggressive and growing rapidly. Waiting to put in the metaport would delay chemotherapy. No matter what we had to wait until Tuesday January 19, 2010 when we got the exact name of the cancer but when they come back with a diagnosis they can immediately start chemo. If we wait on the metaport that would delay chemo because we would have to have surgery again to have the metaport put in. It was left up to us.

Believe it or not this was a hard decision for us. I knew before the biopsy that the tumor was malignant. Our Oncologist said he hopes he's wrong and we did too, but honestly I already knew in my gut he was right. But actually moving forward with a metaport was hard for me to accept. We felt like by saying yes we were accepting cancer before it was actually stated, so honestly we talked about this all night. In the end we decided to have the metaport put in. If this turned out to be cancer and if it was as bad as the doctors are saying then we'd rather not have chemo delayed by another surgery so we gave the doctors our consent to put in the metaport.

SATURDAY January 16, 2010

The morning of the biopsy. The Ear Nose Throat doctor came to talk to us before Nathan's surgery and showed us his MRI...

This mass is huge. So big that it's pushing everything in his head over to the right. When we got to the hospital one of the questions we were constantly asked was "how was Nathan breathing at home?" Now I understood why we kept being asked that. Another couple of weeks and he wouldn't have been breathing at all. EVERYTHING was being pushed over. They estimate the tumor hadn't been there long but it was growing fast which is why we saw such a change in his personality so quickly.

Nathan was then taken off to surgery. I started feeling sick. I went out into the hall and I just cried, I didn't care who saw me, it's like no one else existed. I just cried. The week, Nathan had fought me when getting his teeth brushed. I honestly thought it was a toddler being bad. It wasn't though. It was because it really really hurt him to have his teeth brushed. He had been in that amount of pain and I really as his mom didn't know it and that hurt me so bad. I'm supposed to protect him right? I'd made an appointment on Tuesday. Why did I cancel it???? I was inconsolable. Later on a nurse who'd passed me came and gave me a huge hug. She said she'd saw me earlier and didn't want to impose but she knew that I needed that...and I did.

After surgery Nathan was so weak. Our son is strong. He's tall for his age, handsome and he hardly ever gets sick. It was too much for Sam who cried again. I'm not used to seeing tears out of Sam, all of it was so overwhelming.

The Oncologist came and confirmed our worst fears. The Tumor in Nathan was malignant.

SUNDAY January 17, 2010

This was supposed to be a day of just waiting. But at three in the morning Nathan was up crying and I called his name from right in front of him but he wouldn't look at me. In fact it looked as if he was searching for me even though I was holding him. Sam and I called the doctors in and asked them if he was losing his sight, it'd never occurred to me before but suddenly it dawned on me that it was possible for Nathan to lose his sight and that scared me.

The doctors came in and said he could be acting that way because he was disoriented and on morphine but they weren't taking any chances and ordered an emergency CT scan at 4 am to make sure the tumore hadn't moved. There wasn't time to sedate Nathan for it and he did great. Thankfully the tumor hadn't grown.

Later that morning two Optometrist came to check Nathan's eyes. To make sure the left eye was still responding (his tumor is pushing against that nerve) and to make sure the right eye isn't being affected. So far everything checked out good. But he did tell me there is a possibility that Nathan could lose sight in his left eye.

MONDAY January 18, 2010

Nathan has to get a bone scan and a spinal tap as well as bone marrow taken to check and see if the cancer has spread. Also while he's sedated the Optometrist Oncologist is going to check his eyes.

TUESDAY January 19, 2010

Results day. Dr. Amma, Dr. Sterns, and Barb (NP) come in to tell us what kind of cancer Nathan has.

Rhabdomyosarcoma. A rare cancer that strikes only about 350 children a year, most commonlin children under the age of 6. This is a total nightmare. I began to feel so sick. I wanted to wake up. But I couldn't.

Survival rate is 65%. This isn't happening. Nathan's is in a spot that is inoperable. The plan is 43 weeks of chemo and 4 weeks of radiation. Prayerfully the radiation knocks it out or at least minimizes it so much that there's a chance to operate.

WEDNESDAY January 20, 2010

A Pet scan was done to determine if it's spread to any organs.

THURSDAY January 21, 2010

Nathan has his first day of Chemo therapy (from which he got really sick)

TODAY

And that's where we're at right now. Nathan has stage 3 Rhabdomyosarcoma. So far there isn't any evidence that it spread anywhere else, but it's in a very bad critical spot.

It's important to note that his pediatrician never mis diagnosed him in the beginning. Nathan DID have a severe ear infection, he DID have Bell's palsey and Sam and I count those two things as blessings in disguise, if that hadn't happened then who knows how much more this tumor would have grown before we caught it

So here we are. People ask how we are. Our three year old has cancer, we're horrible. It's hard to comprehend and it's hard to grasp. I'm learning what's important in life. We say we know, but trust me you really don't until that life is being compromised. Nothing else matters right now because my worst fears have already come true. Every other problem seems small right now. Nathan's speech problems...not such a big deal anymore. Half the time I don't even know what day it is. All the money in the world means nothing. I only want one thing and that's for our son to be healed. I want him to grow up and outlive me. I could care less about money, no matter how much, I don't care about a bigger house, a better school district. Absolutely nothing. I wouldn't be able to enjoy those things if Nathan isn't here to enjoy them with us.

Know this though, for those of you taking this hard as well. God is in control. Even though it may seem as if He's silent. He's in total control. No matter what He decides, whether He heals Nathan or not, He's still in control. He loves Nathan, more than Sam and I ever could and He hasn't left and He never will. I don't want anyone hearing our situation to start to doubt our faith or your faith in all of this. We serve a mighty God. Bad things happen on this earth and unfortunately they're going to continue to happen. If this hadn't happened to us it would've happened to someone else. And I'm learning there's a TON of Someone else's out there. Truthfully our son's situation can go one of two ways. But I do know that God is loving, He is gracious, He is Alpha and Omega and even though we don't understand all of this we do rest assured that He knows our pain (don't forget He watched His son suffer and die on the cross) and He hasn't left. No one enters into the Kingdom except through Him. God is the only one who can heal. We have a wonderful medical team and Cleveland leads the way with the nations best hospitals but even that doesn't matter if God decides not to heal Nathan. I pray He does. No one prays that more than Sam and I. No one wants to see our children grow up and live life more than us. But NO MATTER WHAT know that God is real, He loves us and He still hears.

God Bless

Change the subject

Seriously one of the worst things about having a sick kid is the way people call you.

I hardly ever answer the phone anymore and that's for a number of reasons, one being how people call:

"Hello (extremely sad voice), How are you?" (followed by a whole bunch of sighs, etc.)

It's so annoying!!!!! The silly part is usually when I answer I'm almost tempted to ask the person what's wrong and I'm not trying to be funny but a few times I thought I was getting called to be told that someone died or something because that's just how you people sound. There's been a few times when Sam and I and the children are laughing and playing, having a good day, then the phone rings..."(Sigh) Hello (very very depressing voice) Calling to check on Nathan."

Please people quit doing that!!!! I guess people feel it would be inappropriate to call sounding happy I don't know and maybe I can't blame you for feeling that way but my goodness, it would probably be better not to call until you can sound a little better on the phone. I mean who's supposed to be cheering up who here?

I have one friend who still talks to me like normal. Don't get me wrong she's highly concerned about Nathan and checks on him, came to the hospital several times but she doesn't come over or call all sad and you know what I LOVE talking to her, I get to hear about her children, about works etc. She still tells me about life. I just told one of my friends to please not feel obligated to call and get quiet on me, waiting for me to run the conversation. If I feel the need to talk I will but I really want to hear about your life. Have the kids been cutting up in school? Please tell me about it. Any in law arguments? I want to hear them. Believe it or not changing the subject helps me. I have this blog to write about Nathan and honestly I'm going to fill it up talking about him and I'm meeting people that are in the same situations and I want to talk to them about Rhabdomyosarcoma...but for those of you not in this situation, I so appreciate everything, the concern etc. but a lot of you keep asking me what you can do to help...well changing the subject every now and then will suit me just fine.

you should (fill in the blank)

Honestly people are giving advice on how I should handle this. I should be more courteous, stay nice and friendly, etc. etc.

Oh really???!!! When you're told that your child has a Rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare childhood cancer, then you can tell me how I should act!!!!! I should be more polite????? Stay the same jolly person I was???? Are you kidding me???!!!! Have you ever been told that your child has a 65% survival rate???? Huh, have you???? Have you ever been told that your child has stage 3 cancer? And he's only 3? No? Then don't you EVER, EVER tell me how I should act, you don't have the right. One more person and my Christianity is going to disappear and I'm gonna cuss them out. People are explaining heaven and he'll to me!!!!! I already know this stuff!!! I just want to say shut the hell up! Is that polite enough for you?

One Day

One day I swear I'm going to return every one's calls. One of my BFF's told me to just write for now. I honestly wish I could talk and some days it's easier than others but it's hard. I think I put up a good front. Not all of it is a front though, there's definitely some strength there but at times I'm really weak. Last night I came across a picture of Nathan, we were at Preston's Hope a park here in Cleveland and in the picture Nathan is walking into a big house that's on the playground. I took the picture from behind and his little arms are open and he's in mid stride and there's this big opening and he's heading in and I don't know why but for some reason I had a vision of him walking into glory and of course the tears began to flow and now when I cry it's horrible. I cry like I never have before. I can feel it in my stomach it's so painful. I went in the bathroom so I wouldn't disturb Sam and I just cried myself sick literally. I feel as if this is a nightmare. And I've gotten so many kind words and acts of kindness thrown our way but it doesn't help. I know God can fix this. I know He can heal Nathan and I know he could do it right away. So why is He stalling? I don't know. I still trust Him. Honestly I have no where else to go but to Him and that's where I've been. Begging God to spare our child. I literally pleaded with Him not to take Nathan's life. Honestly a car accident would be better than this. I've watched Nathan suffer so much already. They have to put him to sleep everytime they do a lot of CT scans and MRI's because he's too young to understand not to move. Have you ever seen anyone put your child under? Every see your child go from screaming to crying to just floppy limp? Have you ever seen your kid have out of it calling for his Dad? Have you ever had to send your baby away over and over into the hands of strangers, knowing they're going to be probing him etc and you can't go in to protect them.

To do the CT Scan to measure for radiation they had to put Nathan asleep and bolt his head to the table...literally. They do it with a mesh facial mask that they wet in water and quickly put on your face to mold it to the shape of your face. They do this because when they get radiation, they absolutely cannot move so he'll be put under to get the radiation that will last everyday for 4 weeks starting feb. 15. We were in there when they put the first facial mask over his face and they closed his mouth and were molding the mask but he had been breathing out of his mouth instead of his nose so the Doctor in the room had to quickly have them unbolt the mask because his oxygen level went down. I was so thankful for that doctor. Have you ever had to give your child an injection? It hurts enough to watch the doctor do it but imagine giving a 3 year old a shot every single day.

Some people have suggested I talk to someone... well talk to who? Some specialist who've never experienced having a sick child? I don't think so. Maybe in the future I'll talk to someone but not now.

I want to scream over and over but I can't, it's not helping. My child has changed, he's sick and it's almost like he's sad. I just got off the phone with my husband who said that he's calling the doctor because he still feels like they're missing something. He said even if we have to bring him back today he wants him looked at. So I'm here getting our clothes ready. I hate life right now. I want to love it but I can't if our child isn't well.

I hate to sound like I'm contradicting my last post but get used to inconsistencies if you're reading this. Some days are OK and some are horrible.