Ever Need a Break?

Seriously I needed one today. It has just been one of those days where you feel so much pressure. I just wanted to go into the basement to scream at the top of my lungs to release some and I honestly would've but I didn't want to scare my babies either so I just held it in. But seriously I need a break. I need a spa day or something, or a date with the hubby would be really nice right now. Just thinking out loud...

God at Work

It's weird to me at times how God answers prayer. I've been praying a ton over the last few years on some pretty heavy topics and finally awhile ago I decided to take a break. Not from prayer but from worry. We as a people worry in a ton of different ways. My worry translated into seeking others for advice and that wasn't very helpful it just lead to more worries etc. So I took a break and just let go.

Another thing we've been praying over is where our next move should be. We were pretty focused in on Atlanta with a few side glances at North Carolina. Our main requirements were that the location had to have at least 3+ acres, with diverse schools, and we didn't want to be right up against our neighbors. So we took a trip to NC and Atlanta this summer. I can't really say much about NC, our time there was spent visiting family and friends and we crammed a lot into 2 days so we really didn't do any sight seeing, so I have no opinions about it good or bad. We did spend a ton of time in Atlanta and of course we loved it. So when we got back to Ohio we began to do a lot of praying and asking God where does he want us to be and we didn't specify, just asked for His guidance on an area and then a funny thing began to happen...the more we prayed, the more we fell in love with Cleveland...

No I'm serious, I began to love our four seasons. I've been home for 3 years now and I've since fallen in love with our snowy winters, especially since I have a choice as to whether I have to get out in it or not :-) And due to the many things I'm involved with I have met a ton of people, life long friends and I just have a really good time right where I'm at. Sam and I both came to the same conclusion and settled on staying in a suburb here.

And then there's more, after that decision I started looking and praying over schools. I know the first couple of years will probably be home schooled, something I've become pretty passionate especially for my son, we'll see with our daughter, but after a few years we'll probably send them to school so we'll still have to find an area with a nice district. So our prayer has been for God to guide us on if He wants our children to go to a public school, private school or stay home schooled and if He wants us to Home school then provide us with the tools and skills necessary to do so. We have a few more years before this decision needs to be made but I like to start early with my prayers.

We were really looking around Solon, falling in love with it when I ran into someone who said "look at Orange" I thanked the person and kind of brushed it off. Then I ran into a retired school teacher at one of our playgroups and she named Orange as a place we should check out. So I thought this is getting weird. Then Sunday we were over another friends house and she said "Hey have you looked into Orange City Schools?" So I told my hubby that we should drive out to Orange. We both know exactly where it is but have never explored it. Before we went I pulled up the school online. It's not only diverse it's also the number one school district in Ohio. Number 1!!!! I did some more research and discovered that three cities go to this school, Moreland Hills and half of Hunting Valley...both areas boast about having homes with 5+ acres!!!!! Ok so now I was totally in love. So we hopped in the car and drove out to see it. Beautiful doesn't even begin to describe it. We especially loved Hunting Valley, it literally looks like something out of a magazine, so many acres, so beautiful and country...and in Cleveland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So let me continue with this prayer thing. I said if God truly wants me too we're leaning toward homeschooling in the early years anyhow unless He tells us otherwise. So this past summer has been a blast. For some reason Sam and I literally became the best of friends with some of our neighbors. We've all always gotten along but for some reason this summer we became extremely close (which further fueled my love for Cleveland). So until God is ready for us to move we have a really great neighborhood here. No crime, tons of shopping and great highway access and the best neighbors ever. So we've found an area to move to when the time is right, but until then why not just be content here and save up a ton for the house we want in a few years and especially if I'm going to be homeschooling I don't have to worry about our horrible school district. I love that plan right now!

So my prayers haven't stopped there. Remember I said I used to seek out advice but have since quit. Most of it was on my children but I found very few people in similar situations as mine so the advice wasn't always helpful and at times it was just damaging, so I decided to just step back. I just relaxed and consulted God on a lot of issues and was surprised (literally) by what He did.

First I had a lady coming over from our state program and in the beginning she wasn't very helpful so much so that Sam thought maybe we should quit having her come out to the house. But something in me wanted to keep seeing her. She'd come out once a month and what I liked about her is that she brought a ton of resources with her. I learned about two great playgroups from her etc. Anyway, this lady and her organization works with a ton of different children, autistic, handicapped etc. And because she came once a month she was also able to see the progress of things going on in my home. Now let me back up and say I don't get a lot of help other than Sam, let me rephrase that we don't get any help. He's a great father, absolutely no complaints there. But we're kind of on an island alone at times just me and him and at times that's really hard. I'm not in need of babysitters really (though a night out with the hubby every now and then would be nice) but I guess help and guidance from someone older would be nice at times. It's been hard for me to take unasked advice from well meaning people especially if they are never around my children and see them every once and awhile and have something to offer. And maybe I should clear that up because I can take advice maybe it just depends on how it's presented and where it's all coming from. And I said that all to say that this woman in her role has been a constant. For the past year she's come to my home and I began to really look forward to her visits. And I know it's just been a part of her job and in the beginning I didn't receive her well but through prayer I really began to see her value and she's gone through the toughest parenting decisions yet with Sam and I. Honestly now that I think about it she's been through just about everything...

Anyhow her name is Madeline and she's gone above and beyond her job in my opinion, and sadly since Nathan is turning 3 tomorrow would be her last day visiting though she said I could keep in touch. But the last time she was here she gave me the biggest help ever. I'd been down recently, as I said I don't have guidance and especially being home full time many people assume a lot of negative things. And the fact that my child developed late in certain areas and the fact that most people haven't dealt with that or just plain don't understand it can open the doors to a ton of criticism all coming from people who mean well. So before she left the house she told me that she's been to a lot of homes and she's worked with a lot of families and never has she seen two parents more involved and dedicated to their children's well being then us. She told me that she's blown away at the progress that has been made and really let me know that as one mom to another she can't think of thing I should do different except maybe slow down :-) and I took that as a huge compliment especially coming from her lol I'd much rather be told to slow down instead of get moving.

Through Madeline I've been introduced to several playgroups, two which I attend. They're extremely nice and I've met a ton of moms through it. But here's another thing sometimes when you ask God for help and stop seeking advice but only seek Him, He tends to bring people into your lives that you need. The head of the main playgroup we go too is a child Psychologist...imagine that. I didn't seek this it just happened that way. And along with the other mothers that are there there are also two grandmothers that have become very important to me. The playgroup is nice and is in a school building and the kids can play together from 9:30 - 12:00 and then we break and all eat lunch together and then we move to one of two rooms for gym until 1:30. It's usually about 15+ people there and it's nice because most of them are the same from week to week. But anyway I'd been going for two weeks or so and as I said I've kind of clammed up asking for advice and sharing too much about myself. I'm still really friendly but I don't volunteer any info or feel the need to share or explain anything to people. But as we're all heading to lunch one day, one of the grandmothers approached me and said "Does Nathan talk" and I answered "not much, he does but he's got a speech delay" and the grandmother said "I noticed that, see Lou (her grandson) he didn't start talking until he was almost 3 and a half." So from there a conversation started. The Debbie the facilitator came out and joined in offering a ton of helpful advice. Then Debbie stepped out for a moment and the grandmother said "FYI Debbie is a child psychologist." Then another lady chimed into the conversation and said that she'd been a nanny for over 20 years and she started offering advice. All helpful and all right on time. I could've seriously cause it's so hard to find people who understand and who can share with what you're going through.

So leaving to go to the gym I got into an even deeper conversation with the grandmother and found out she's a retired lactation consultant...this was helpful because my daughter can't drink milk!!!! The advice she gave was beyond what I needed. The I ran into the retired school teacher who told me about Orange schools.

I could go on and on about other ways God has been showing up in our lives but from all I wrote about, well you get the picture.

I wanted everything to be perfect...

Thanksgiving is over and it was so wonderful. We hosted it at our home for the first time. I was really excited about starting this tradition.

To say Sam and I worked hard is an understatement. I wanted everything to be perfect. I said before I've been really into starting family traditions since having our children. Thankfully Sam's been beyond supportive of my ideals and as I laid out my 'demands' he had no complaints about meeting them. I really wanted every dish cooked in our home. I wasn't going to stop anyone from bringing anything if they really wanted but it really wasn't a requirement of mine. Well I should rephrase that because I don't do turkey's. I've never cooked one and have no desire to try or learn. I'm not a fan of turkey and would prefer something else lol so I let my mother still be in charge of that part. But the menu was as follows:
Turkey
Dressing (my Dad is a specialist in that area)
I cooked, sweet potato soufflé, mac n cheese, fried corn and baked a pistachio cake for us and a butterscotch one for my neighbor
Sam made green beans and baked beans
My oldest brother made collard greens while my other brother smoked a turkey and brought bar b q wings.
We had a honeybaked ham and soul rolls (compliments of a chef friend of ours, the soul rolls are packed with corn, chicken, collard greens, turnip greens, musturd greans and a special sauce and fried to perfection) along with dinner rolls and my mothers homemade cranberry sauce.

People also brought desserts etc. I borrowed a burner from my neighbor a little known fact about me is that I'm anal about my food being cold! If I do cook I like it timed up so everything is warm, so having the burners was a big deal to me. I was going to buy some but found out our neighbor had them and borrowed hers.

But enough about food, on to the day! It was amazing! So much to be thankful for, too much to name. Sam and I make a great team and had a blast planning it, but two things happened that was really nice:

First awhile ago I took my mother over my neighbors house and while there my mother noticed one of her purses and complimented it (my neighbor has a TON of very nice expensive ones). Today my neighbor came over with a bag and in it was the same purse my mom complimented. This is a thing to remember because it was new and worth $500. So it wasn't a junk purse. I don't know brands but my mom does and was blown away by the gesture.

Second we shared this holiday with my 85 year old grandmother whom I love dearly. I was so busy serving people that I didn't get to talk to her much at dinner so I called her that night. She told me how much she loved coming over our home and like seeing Sam and I together and how seeing us working together brought back memories of how her favorite aunt and uncle worked together and how she loved going over there too. She also told me how thankful she is that God is keeping her alive to see Nathan and Peyton. She can't drive far anymore but said if she could she'd come see us all the time and I know she means it.

These are memories and I'm all about creating as many as possible!

Thank you Lord for my husband and children. Thank you in this horrible economy you're providing not only our needs but some wants as well (and on one income). Thank you for this day that we shared with wonderful friends and family. Thank you so much for all of the people in our lives. May we never become arrogant or spoiled but forever remain thankful!
-- Post From My iPhone

Traditions

I'm so looking forward to the holidays this year! Thanksgiving will be at our home this year and I'm so excited about it. In past years Sam and I had to bounce to about 5 homes and usually we missed someone or an Uncle called the next day insulted that we didn't stop by and after having children it became increasingly harder to manage going to more than one house. Now in the last three years I became really strict on Christmas. I said to my husband that on Christmas we will be home. Period. As many people can come over as can fit, the more the merrier but it will be at home, this year I've set the same rule on Thanksgiving.

My mother always had the best holiday traditions and I'm so excited to be able to mimic hers and create some of my own. Both of my parents agreed readily to me taking over and have given in to me calling the shots. I actually think they like the idea. I remember going to Thanksgiving dinner at my grandparents and then it switching to my parents house and now ours. It's amazing to see how life progresses and changes. My mother always cooked everything and now I'm excited about doing everything (except the turkey...I don't do turkeys lol she can still handle that).

I've been enjoying so much organizing and planning this. The menu I put together is amazing (yes I'm bragging). Even though I don't do it often, I'm beginning to love entertaining and love being a host. I hope to bring our children many fond memories this holiday season and in years to come.
-- Post From My iPhone

Just stress

What do you do when life stresses you and you pray and pray but God seems silent? And you really want to tell someone what you're stressed about but you really have no one to tell? And it's sad to feel you have no one to tell especially since you have a ton of friends. I know what the scriptures say and I've literally been telling God everything lately. Just talking to him more and more (along with my hubby of course:-)

What happens when you need a getaway, yet there's no one around to help? What happens when you remain silent and your frustrations continue to mount one after another almost to the point that you're ready to snap at anyone outside of your immediate family. What happens when you don't have a support system? What happens when you know full well you're not supposed to harbor things and let your heart grow bitter, yet you feel yourself going in that direction anyhow? What happens when you want to start voicing what's truly on your mind even at the expense of losing relationships or hurting people, because you just can't be silent anymore? What happens when some well meaning people try to offer encouragement but all you want to do is tell them to get lost? What happens when your best isn't better? Just writing because I have a lot on my mind. I truly want no comments or emails on this post. It just felt good to write since I wasn't sleep anyhow.

-- Post From My iPhone

Nannies

I was at my son's gymboree class last week and had an interesting conversation with a Nanny. Now being a stay at home mom, I meet a ton of different people as I'm out with my children. I have Nathan and Peyton involved in several things and coming across a child and his/her nanny isn't uncommon though to me it still strikes me as weird.

A nanny is a lot more than a baby sitter and when I'm out I do run into children and their babysitters as well, they're pretty easy to spot. A child and a nanny isn't (unless of course the nationalities are different). But they're very hard to spot because most times you'd just assume the child was with their mommy.

And I must admit I'm extremely jealous of some of these Nannies. I had a long conversation with one named Lindsey last Thursday. Ironically she was from my husband's hometown and though she was 4 years younger than me and had no children of her own, she had a ton of experience and gave me the best advice on potty training I'd ever gotten. Seriously no mother has ever given me methods such as hers. She's potty trained three and she attended Alexandria School in Solon, OH. She's already been a nanny to twins in Canada, as well as the family she's currently with now. The perks of her job are phenomenal. Not only is her salary higher than I'd guess most people's are, but it also comes with room and board and a car. When she becomes a mother to her own children, I can just imagine the experience she's going to bring to the table.

But the thing that saddened me and I point blank asked her is "aren't you technically raising the children yourself?" The answer obviously is yes. Right now she's a nanny to a family of two attourney's. It's obvious the little girls parents are very successful, though I see they're missing so much they can't get back to chase something for a child who could care less... Am I saying one of the parents should stay home? Not necessarily, but I am saying they should have a little more time for their child. When it gets to the point that the nanny is attending classes, and baseball games, and spelling bees instead of of mommy or daddy, then I think some priorities need adjusting. I do remember when I used to work I met with one of the executives, named Tom and he gave my team the best bit of advice ever. You can get your job back but not time with your family. Tom had a strict rule, no anything after 4:00 - meetings, phone calls, etc. After 4 he went home and this particular day he had to be at a ball game for his niece so he wasn't about to let the meeting run over. And he reported directly to the CEO and had an office overlooking the browns stadium yet he always said it didn't compare to family.

You see some people have this concept down. Yet others and I'm sad to say, especially women struggle in this area horribly. If someone else is literally raising your child in this way, then I think maybe priorities should be question. Not all but some nannies are paid so well that it's obviously a very important job. Most nanny position require the nanny to enter into a 1 to 2 year contract so that the child has some normalcy. Nannies are required to work at least 16 to 18 hours a day and do some of the house hold cleaning. They're also responsible for teaching the child manners, and basic things about life etc.

I think women need to check themselves. Nannies no matter how fantastic can't replace the love of a mother and father. Quit letting someone else enjoy our children.

I read an interesting quote in a community on circle of moms:

"while I was in college I was a summer Nanny for families in Chicago and I saw how much my little charges missed they're Moms and Dads who sometimes only spent a few hours a week with them. Yes some of these kids got everything they wanted financially and they weren't starving for food but some were starving for Mommy and Daddy's attention and Love. because lets face it no matter how much I gave them I wasn't there Mom."

Interesting Part 2

"In school and on TV, every message I get is what I am doing as a mother or wife is wrong," said Vilar. "I should be thinking about a profession and not mothering. Everyone is having babies, and yet they don't want to care for them." taken from Abortion Addict Confesses 15 in 16 Years


So I posted an article the last time titled "Abortion Addict Confesses 15 in 16 Years" and promised a commentary, well here it is.

First my heart really goes out to this woman and women like her. Hear me out. I'm against abortion. I hate it to my core. I've seen the affects abortions have had on people I love. Unless having the baby jeopordizes the health of the mother (for example a tubular pregnancy in which case neither mom or baby would survive) then I'm against it. I'm also outraged when I hear people speak on abortion topics like they have some sort of authority when they really haven't researched it. The title of the artcle may have shocked some people but sadly the fact is most abortions performed are repeats. And most women who have abortions are over 30 married and professional women who don't want a kid or at least another one. Most people like to argue rape and young teen mothers who aren't ready etc. However those scenarios aren't as common in the abortion world as we may think. It's mostly just a method used as a form of birth control.

Now it's sad that this woman has to go into hiding to tell her story which I'm interested to read. I'm not sure from the article if she regrets these abortions or not and would love to know that. Though I'm against abortion I feel we should be careful when dealing with women who've had them. Some may not feel regret but for those who do I'd imagine the pain would be great. And even though I hate their choice I do believe they should be told about restoration in Jesus.

Now some may or may not agree with this next statement but I mostly blame society for huge rise in abortions. It's not popular to be a mom nowadays. Sure it's ok to have them but it's not ok to stay home and raise them. We're teaching women to be afraid of losing everything except the precious time they have with their families. Now we have women who work 50 - 60 hour weeks, and don't have family or close enough friends around to help them out or most of their friends are in their same position and can't offer relief. So they're overworked at their jobs, tired when they get home but still have to find time to care for their families.

Our nation is in horrible debt and it's not just Bush's fault. We as a people have the responsibility to be better spenders. Goodness even Michael Jackson, as rich as he was, lived above his means. And we tell ourselves that now both spouses have to work like dogs to be able to afford to have nice things (which isn't always true). We believe that bigger houses are going to make our kids happier etc. When in all actuality that'll make us happier (myself included) but they could care less. We want moms to wear many hats and still have energy left over for mothering. So given all this, why wouldn't a person think about aborting? Who could possibly have the energy to do all of this and to be honest with you who would want to.

I remember vividly being pregnant, looking at a promotion at work, trying to figure out how me and Sam are going to juggle me working 50+ hours with a new baby coming. Women are told you can have it all. I think women need to be brought up learning there are seasons for everything and you know what, that's ok. It's ok to take time off to just focus on childbearing and raising. It's ok to do that and not feel like they're missing something or losing out or wasting something. It's a beautiful season that's going to come and go. Can women have it all? No. Something is going to lack.

It's a shame that our workforce has bought into this. There are places overseas that give women at least a year off after having a baby. Here the standard is 6 weeks, or three months if you take FMLA. The system sucks. Women do want to do both and in some cases HAVE to, but the American culture is so screwed up that employers, people in charge who probably have children themselves, offer very little support to families. You have your kid, you're expected back in 6-12 weeks the option to go part time isn't always available. For example:

I remember being in a meeting with fellow project managers and managers when I was working and the goal was how do we motivate our employees or people working for our projects to go above and beyond. One manager was complaining about a particular employee. Out of his own mouth, she was a nice woman and a great worker. The issue he had was that she leaves everyday at 4 which was her time to get off mind you. She never stays to put in extra time in the office. Like clockwork he said she'd leave. Well I didn't see nothing wrong with that! He said she left because her son was done with practice at 4:30. She never stayed late because she liked to meet her son at home. The manager never complained to her about this but on her performance review she was docked a few points for not making herself available after 4 because she had to get her child. Other people would stay late for a meeting or to get extra work done if need be so why shouldn't she? The manager point blank said she needs a better reason that going to meet her son, as to why she can never give more. He said everyone else in his department have families yet they still stay if need be. Seriously that was his ONLY complaint on her but for him it was big. Surprisingly several other manager's women included shared his view. All of these managers had families.

Employers need to cut our women some slack. It's hard to be a mom and I'd imagine it's hard to be a working mother. Provide benefits that help our families. For the women who have to work provide better maternity packages to allow more time with families.

And stay at home moms struggle with waiting until their children are of age to get in pre school so they can go back to work and just when that kid is old enough, surprise another baby is on the way, which means if they choose life this child would keep them at home another 3-4 years they hadn't planned on being there so now they're at a crossroads as well. The main comment people get anyway when you say you're home full time is "you can always go back when they're in school." That's the big goal people think and these mothers are reminded of that constantly. And the older your kids get the more the reminders come and the "are you done having kids"? Believe it or not I actually got called a "baby making machine" by someone when we found out about Peyton. So these mothers get no respect either. Some seriously want to work so they no longer have to hear snide remarks about their decision.

Let's not forget the woman who is in her 40s with pre teens and teenagers her then surprise! We as a society tend to rip these women apart and for them it's already hard having a baby they didn't plan on having this late, but are they offered support or encouragement? No.

So am I against abortion? Yes. Most are performed by married 'successful' women ( I do include myself in this succesful category by the way). Contraceptives aren't 100% and it'll be dumb to tell these women to practice abstenance in marriage. But with society as against families the way they are, why be surprised in such a rise in abortions.
-- Post From My iPhone

Interesting part 1

I just found this article interesting, http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/abortion-addict-admits-multiple-abortions-suicide-attempts/story?id=8594347. Please read and my commentary will follow in another post.

-- Post From My iPhone

Planning ahead

So the hubby calls from work today to tell me something interesting. He was in charge of planning his departments offsite this year (he did a FANTASTIC job by the way:-) and he had someone from the FBI come and speak. Depending on the job you take with the FBI, there'd be a TON of traveling involved. So much so that it may be hard to have a family. My hubby said he was talking to the guy and asked if it was hard to balance family and work and he answered "Actually my wife stays home full time and my children are home schooled so they can come with me." Sam knew I'd find that interesting.

Lately I've had a few conversations with women who are questioning what it's like to be home full time (to be honest I get asked this A LOT). Now mind you, I'm not the type to state to someone, "you should stay home." Not because I don't think this is the correct way. I'm definitely more for women staying at home then working outside of the home, but when talking to women, I do believe I should be sensitive and it's not so easy to just tell someone what they should do. I don't know their household needs and in some situations it would be hard for people to live off of one income and I understand that. But what I do tell them is to plan ahead for the future.

When talking to a girlfriend recently she was asking me some of the benefits of being at home and I told her I find it nice to be available. That I can truly concentrate on Sam and the children without worrying about work. When Sam got sent on a business trip we were able to go. When Peyton ended up in the hospital I was able to stay with her. No questions asked. I had choices and it was times like these that I really appreciated the flexibility.

So for those of you who aren't married yet or don't have children. Think ahead and start planning now. For those who don't know me well and haven't read my blog before, I was a total career woman in the past. I believed that children should be in daycare and I was going to have my career and in my head I didn't see anything wrong with it. Then I got pregnant and throughout the entire pregnancy I struggled. I made decent money so I spent a lot of time researching the best daycares I could find. We were against home daycares, so I didn't even look there but even the best daycares didn't cut it for me and I struggled with my decision.

Sam and I took that trip back down memory lane today and we both don't remember when we said definitely that we're not going to put Nathan in one. I don't remember what month of pregnancy I was in at the time when we made that choice but I do remember feeling a small sense of relief. Then after Nathan was born I remember when he hit the 6 week mark and I told Sam today that even if I hadn't made the decision before, I definitely would've made it then and not handed him over.

I'm not saying this to say that everyone is going to feel this way when they get to this point. But I want you to know that in the years leading up to Nathan's birth we didn't put a lot of thought and emphasis into our future children other than the fact that we knew we wanted them someday. I used to flirt with the idea of wanting to be home, but I didn't have any reason I felt to pursue this at the time and so Sam and I didn't, and truly I didn't understand how hard of a decision it would be to make. There's so much to take into consideration:
1. Can we afford to do this?
2. Do I really want to give up my career?
3. Is he better off in a daycare around tons of other kids instead of at home with just me?
4. How will I feel leaving him? Can I actually drop him off with virtual strangers?
5. Will I get bored? What will I do at home all day?
6. How's my husband going to handle this situation in the long run?
7. What's the turn over rate in daycare and the screening process?
8. What's it going to be like not getting a paycheck of my own?
9. Even if we can afford to live on one income, do I want to cut back just to stay home?
And I could go on and on with more questions I had. I'm just giving you a few to let you know it's not a decision to take lightly.

So am I implying that you should stay home when you have children. No. I'm actually saying do your planning so you have options. Before you marry see where your future husband stands on this issue. Set up your household so that if you have that baby and change your mind then you can be there with him or her. And if you decide to keep working then have that planned out as well. Where is your child going to stay while you work? Is your job family friendly etc. It's a little something I wish I knew before Sam and I had children. No matter what you say you never know how you're going to feel when you get pregnant. Then you may feel differently again after you actually have your child and look at them. Just be prepared and position yourself so that you have several options instead of just one. Even though Sam and I did it and in the end it's going really well, I believe it would have been a lot better if we'd planned it out. It still would have been a transition but I don't believe it would've had as many bumps in the beginning if we'd set ourselves up differently.

Good Hair...

Ok this post is directed more at African/African American women...but of course anyone can read and comment. I just say that because they're probably the only ones who will understand it.



Recently I've been hearing a lot of buzz over the term "good hair" again. I know this term has never left our speech as African Americans, but for some reason I'm hearing it more now. Especially since I have a daughter of my own.

So what is "good hair"? Unfortunately the term is just as negative as the word nigger. "Good Hair" when said by a black person, means hair that is naturally straight, or like a white persons.

Every little black girl is going to deal with this at some point in her life. It's inevitable. I remember in first grade my best friend Shelly was white, with the prettiest, long, blond hair I'd ever seen. And for the life of me I couldn't understand why my hair wasn't like hers. I remember begging my mom to be able to wear my hair down instead of in pigtails and just didn't understand why I couldn't. It didn't help that my mom had what blacks consider to be "good hair". As a little girl I remember my mother being able to wash and dry her hair and not have to go through the straightening, relaxing, and flat ironing etc. And it was extremely thick and beautiful...but mine though thick, was different.

For the longest I was the only black girl in my gymnastics class. By that time my mother used to straighten my hair but of course gymnastics in the summer equals sweating and I'd "sweat my hair out" so the straightening job wouldn't last. It was hard because on the days of our gymnastics meets my coach would want us to look uniform, but I couldn't wear the hairstyles my teammates wore so again I'd look different. Alot of the hair clips they wanted to wear I couldn't wear and that was hard. Though I did used to get a lot of compliments on my hair which helped. But as a black girl it wasn't as easy to just fling my hair into a pony tail. It needed to be "done".

Also swimming in high school sucked. I took swimming lessons as a child so I knew how to swim and didn't see the point in swimming in junior high and high school. You're only given 10 minutes after getting out of the pool to get dressed and get to your next classes. You could always tell the swim weeks in high school, because unless a black girl had braids in her hair or really short hair, then it just looked a mess for those two weeks...

Growing up I had a lot of family members with naturally straight hair so I was around it a lot. I also had some friends with naturally straight hair or hair that didn't require a perm or a straightening comb to be straight. LOL I've also come across a ton of people who claim to have naturally straight hair....that's a whole other post for a whole other day.

The term "good hair" was a curse word in our home. Although my mother's hair was naturally straight she never let me believe mine wasn't just as beautiful and she spent a lot of time learning how to do my hair. She had to learn how to use a straightening comb, etc. and she worked hard at it. She also took the time to find hair dressers who were able to do my hair.

I don't remember the exact time that I grew out of wanting hair that was different than mine, but somewhere along the line I came to not only, like, but love my hair. I could braid it and I could go from straight hair to extremely curly (with the help of a few rollers), my hair is thick and I learned what I needed to do to help it grow etc. It may have been the huge rise in the hip hop culture that helped me appreciate my hair more or maybe it was reaching another level of maturity, I don't know, but I do know that now I absolutely love my hair and I feel my hair is perfect for me.

Now I have a daughter. I was soooo happy when I found out I was having a little girl, but having a child reveals again just how many obstacles we as a people still have to overcome. Believe it or not when my children were born I had people watching them closely to see if they were going to "darken up" or not. I could care LESS what complexion my children were but others around me were so picky about it. Also my daughter especially was watched to see what her hair was going to do. And a lot of black people do not believe in cutting their boys hair the first year. There's absolutely no reason not to, and if you ask ten different black people, you'll get ten different reasons as to why you're not supposed to cut it, but the main reason I hear is you'll mess up the texture...

My daughters hair is beautiful and I love it. I love coming up with ways to do it and I LOVE putting bows in her hair...though I do know one day I'm going to have to explain to her why hers is...different. Why it takes a little work to get a comb through, why she can't just "wash and go" etc. And not only that I'm going to have to teach her how to love hers. I don't know if this is as big a deal with African American boys. My husband and I had a long discussion about this the other day and I don't believe it is from what we discussed so I don't worry about my son as much but with my daughter I know it's going to be an issue.

Now my parents did a WONDERFUL job of explaining it to us. And not only that my parents were adamant about making sure we were in places and around people who looked like us. To some people that sounds prejudice but it's not. We were in a mixed neighborhood and always went to mixed schools. I don't think it's prejudice to want your kids around your race, I think racism comes in when you don't want your kids around any other race but theirs. That's the difference. My parents just made a point in making sure we were not the minorities in our environment. Now I know what you're going to say "if it wasn't for the Little Rock Nineand other trailblazers we wouldn't have the right to go to schools so maybe it was a bad idea for my parents not to make trailblazers out of us"...to that I say don't forget we were born in the 70s...we already had those freedoms to go where we want the trailblazers came before us. My parents had us in mixed environments for a reason. We were allowed to befriend whomever we wanted. But when I had questions or issues with my pigtails, I wasn't the ONLY girl in my church, or school with pigtails. I didn't stick out like a sore thumb. My best friend happened to be white but still there were people there who looked like me and had hair like mine and I really applaud them for making an effort to put me in situations that I could not only learn about people who didn't look like me but also have people around who did look like me. And I was the only black in my gymnastics class as I mentioned above and that's mainly because gymnastics, like golf, and tennis have few blacks in them to begin with, and I had a wonderful coach and made a lot of great friends (some of whom still remember my afro puffs to this day:-)

Peyton one day is going to question her hair, she's going to wonder why her friends of other nationalities can wash their hair everyday, yet she cannot or it will damage her hair. I used to go to a salon where there were white and black hair dressers, and one lady approached me, she was white and we had a wonderful conversation and she said she never realized until she started working at that salon just how much it took to do a black woman's hair. Seriously a white hairdresser will do about 6 people's heads to every 1 black customer. She said she was blown away to witness it and and she loved learning about it (of course there are a ton of white hairdressers out there that know how to style African Americans hair).

As mom I might take a different approach with her. I'm very protective of both of my children although some things they're still going to have to learn on their own but I protect them whenever I can. In talking to Sam the other day I told him that I don't know how to do my natural hair. Seriously I've been straightening my hair and getting relaxers for so long that if I were to go back to my natural hair, I honestly wouldn't know what to do with it. And believe it or not, many black hairdressers don't know how to style natural African/African American hair either. It's not that I'm not proud of my hair, but seriously I only know how to style it with perms and relaxers...it's just all I know. I think I'm going to teach Peyton different. I want her to have pride in her natural hair, and I want to learn how to do it. If she gets a little older and want a relaxer or wants it straightened then I have no problem with that either, but in the meantime I want her to know that her hair is "good" and beautiful and absolutely perfect. I tell her that when I'm combing it. I want her to love and appreciate it. I want her to love everything about her self and improve the things she can improve but appreciate and love how God made her as an African American woman. And to be honest with you that's another beauty in our hair. We can go from Natural, to straighten, to a relaxer, to a jerry curl (if you really want to go back there lol), to curly, to braids, to an afro etc...and I'm proud of that and I want Peyt to be proud of that too.

*Please don't take this post to mean that African/African American women are the only ones with hair issues. I'm not saying that. I'm just writing about my hair and what I can relate to :-)

I just don't know...

Have you ever been at a crossroads? A place where you need to make really tough decisions but you really don't know which is the right decision? And you're praying about it but it really doesn't seem like an answer is coming? And you want to consult a friend for Godly counsel but none of your friends have been where you are and talking to people who aren't there or haven't been there just doesn't help... What do you do?

I'm in that situation right now and I really don't have a clue what to do. Some will say "wait on the Lord" and I agree with that but what to do in the meantime because in every situation I can't just sit and do nothing. As you can see I'm not going to go into detail about the situation. I would like to but it involves more than just myself and to be honest with you I'm really not seeking advice from anyone on the situation until I find someone in a similar situation. It's like if someone loses their mother, it's nice to give condolences but true understanding can only come from someone who's been there.

Since I've been praying on this I've ran into many people in this situation that I've met in bathrooms or out and about. And you know how we women are we just get to talking and tell our life stories within 5 minutes :-) and in the midst of these conversations I feel God may not be answering my prayer just yet. But then it does seem like He's comforting me. Telling me through these strangers that it's going to be ok in the end. If it's not God then I don't know what or who it is because it's been too weird the run ins I've been having with people lately. Out of the blue they're talking to me about something I'm going through and these people don't even know it. They may or may not be Christians but God has used these run ins in my life and they've come at times when I was at my lowest. Now again I'm waiting.

Lord I really really need your help and guidance, Thank you so much for the strangers I've met lately. Thank you for a supportive husband and two wonderful children. Have you told me what to do and I'm just missing it? If so please tell me again. I want to make the right decisions but I just want to know what do I do, because I really don't know anymore...

Loving someone more

Ever since I've had children I look at the gospel in a new light. Jesus was the son of God and for him have to watch his son suffer and die... It had to be the ultimate sacrifice. I couldn't imagine willingly sending my child that way.

I so love my family. To be honest with you I don't ever like to think about the possibility of losing my husband or children. I even pray that if God were to choose someone in our household to allow them to go through something then let it be me not my husband and especially not my children. Though if God chooses not to answer that prayer then I have faith knowing he'll carry me through whatever trials may come.

Having children has been the most life changing thing for me. I already loved my husband before them but love him so much more now. My daughter's really clingy to him right now. I watched him put her down yesterday to get some things done but she still wanted to be held and I saw her follow him into the kitchen (past me) and extend her little arms up to him. He stopped what he was doing and grabbed her. It was a beautiful moment.

Lately I find myself observing a lot. I find myself just watching my children in play and even when they sleep. While writing this my 2 year old woke up with a nightmare and I just put him back down (mind you those times specifically aren't always fun:-) but I still get joy out of being able to comfort them. Luke 2:51 says: "51Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart". Notice how his mother "treasured" these moments.

I was at a family reunion about 2 weeks ago on my husbands side and I was talking to a cousin of his and I let her know that I noticed two things about her. First she really loves her husband, second they truly seemed to enjoy their children ( they have three grown and one still at home). I told her that and she said she loves that man and loves being a mother. I'm sure it wasn't all roses all the time but through it all I loved talking to an older woman who let me know it was still worth it.

Our children are only in our care for a season and it's not even gauranteed they will live longer then us though that is our prayer. Please enjoy them, love them and cherish them.


-- Post From My iPhone

Stepping back

Seriously, I just needed a break from everything which is why I haven't updated this blog in so long.

I was listening to a program the other day and the Pastor was saying how some people rely heavily on Christian programs, books, ministry groups etc. to get them through but spend very little time in God's word and prayer and just time to themselves. And I realized that was starting to describe me.

I'd gotten semi addicted to face book and blogging and in my spare time, when the children and hubby were sleep that's what I've been doing and I realized it was beginning to be too much. I listened to my ministries while washing clothes but was spending very little time with Christ himself, in prayer and Bible study. And this should be primary not secondary.

I actually love Bible study but lately I'd been squeezing it in instead of making time for it. So I decided to take a two day hiatus from face book. Kind of like a fast if you will. I wanted to use this time to concentrate on other things and to fit in Bible Study. And not just a rushed verse here and there but real Bible reading. I have the IPhone now and it's so easy to just click on that app and the other apps on my phone. My People app, my TMZ app etc. Just stuff that takes up a ton of time with no real benefit. So I deleted a few apps that were time consumers and decided to take a step back from face book (by not clicking on it).

And you know it was one of the best things for me. So much so I'm going to start doing it more often. I'm not leaving face book completely. It's a really great tool for keeping in touch with people but I have to set limits on that and everything else in my life that's starting to get in the way of what's most important. Time with my Saviour, my husband, and my children.

New Blog

Hi all! I've started a new blog! I'll still be maintaining this one but I've started my weight loss process and didn't want to include that in this blog. So I've created another blog totally designated for weight loss. If your interested you can read it here.

Being the best

I saw a report on Beyonce the other day. I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan, though I'd be outright lying if I denied liking some of her music. The girl's got talent and recently Forbes named her the Highest paid star under 30. Which is a pretty huge accomplishment. That made me go on Youtube and look her up. I wanted to see a biography on her. I'm curious when I hear about people being the best in their field. There's a ton of singers, entrepreneurs, actors, actresses, doctors, teachers etc. But few ever are recognized for being the best. That seems hard to do and when I see someone deemed the best in their field I'm always curious about their work ethic.

So anyway I found a biography on Beyonce that was actually quite interesting and very quickly came to realize why she entered a very competitive field and was able to surpass so many people who were already in it and ultimately dominate it. The music industry already had their envogues, TLC, Allure (if you can remember them), 3LW etc. All these different girl groups. So what made Destiny's Child the best? One person and that was having Beyonce in the group. Also having Matthew and Tina as parents.

The Biography report had her old Destiny Child members on talking about her as well as her parents. And something they said struck me. Beyonce is probably the hardest working woman in show business and she was always thinking outside of the box. One of the members said she'd come up with stuff for them to do, routines if you will, before going out on stage and it'd be something so incredibly outrageous but when they performed it...well it worked. After leaving Destiny's Child she went on to be the number one female entertainer.

I can't leave her parents out. He father quit his high paying job as a sales person to manage the group and his wife said that for awhile he seemed almost obsessed with the girls singing group. After Beyonces group lost on Star Search he asked Ed McMahn for advice.

I know you're wondering why am I writing so much about Beyonce, especially since I already said I'm not a huge fan per se. And I know you may feel what I'm saying about her may contradict some of my earlier post regarding music etc. But I guess her life intrigued me. Not because I care about stardom and I really don't want my children in that industry but it intrigued me because as children of God we should strive to be the best in whatever we do. And our motivation should be to please Christ.

I was just convicted when watching it because I can be better at so many things yet laziness sometimes holds me back. I know I can blame it on being tired, with two children, blah, blah blah. But sometimes that's not it. Just plain old laziness. People who succeed in life are hard workers. Period. And even when they run into rough situations that seem impossible to get over they still figure out away to make it through. They don't give up. Ed McMahn told Beyonces Dad something interesting. He said believe it or not the people who were the most successful are the people who lost on star search. He said rarely do the winners go on to be anything, but rather the losers have a better chance. Interesting. He said those people if they choose not to give up, analyze their performance and figure out how to do it better and that makes a difference in their success.

So anyway it was interesting. Beyonce's living her dream because of her hard work. Everyone's dream job is different. I never knew this would be it to be honest with you but I find being a homemaker exciting and I always want to be the best at what I do and I've said in the past I want to be the best at loving the Lord, being a Godly wife and a good mother. I put a lot of focus on my marriage and a huge focus on motherhood. There's so much going on now as the children are growing so fast. Nathan's language is progressing and I'm so proud of him. Peyton is starting to use words and she knows sign language and she's working on her walking. I set goals for myself and the children all the time. Right now one of my main goals is to continue to move the children forward, especially in the areas that need the most attention. I try to come up with new and creative ways to teach Nathan and Peyton things. I'm really interested in their personalities and how they learn. There's going to be tons of mistakes along the way but I still want to be the best wife and mother I can be for my family :-)

I hate bugs

I'm laying down watching tv last nighy when out of the corner of my eye something was running full speed! I look down and saw a huge cenitipede. It was brown and the carpets beige so I almost missed it. I didn't want to step on him (it was on my carpet). I was able to find the Raid (of course I couldn't find the nonscented one when I needed it) and I lightely sprayed him cause I didn't want that in the carpet either. Now it's the next morning and I still smell the Raid yuck! And I'm extremely paranoid and can't wait until the children are up so I can vacuum the enitre upstairs. (who knows that dumb centipede may have brought a sibling up with him:-)
-- Post From My iPhone

Can't put a pricetag on it

This post is kind of directed more so at my SAHM buddies.

My husband and I got into an interesting conversation today. We were talking about the age old struggle (one of the age old struggles I'd imagine there's many others to choose from) of why women struggle so much with choosing to stay home vs. working a job.

I think I said this before that when first walking away from work it was a huge struggle. I really felt like I was giving up something I'd worked so hard for just to stay home and possibly be bored with a baby. And when I first went home I felt that it'd really only be until my children entered school. But since decided that unless the hubby wants me to work I'd like for this arrangement to be permanent. But my husband and I were talking and I told him that a lot of SAHM's still struggle with missing work and he was wondering why. After all he said if he was able to leave his job and stay home he'd be fine with it. (Keep in mind that my hubby runs a website so if he were to come home he'd be doing that full time which is what he really wants anyhow, me too I might add). But if we didn't need the income that his work provides then he'd have no problem leaving and to be honest with you I totally believe him. So why, he's wondering do some women struggle with this feeling as if they're missing something when home instead of at work. Why such discontentment among SAHM's? And I know quite a few SAHM's now and I'm not saying they're not all content but I truly only know one other who would want to make staying at home permanent after the kids are in school. The rest do really like being at home but at the same time can't wait to go back to work.

I guess I have a different mindset. I think I said in an earlier post that I don't care what my children become as long as their profession honors Christ. And not to contradict that earlier post but of course I'm going to encourage them in different areas. However I don't share the same attachment to work that some women have for several reasons:

1. Due to this rough economy I was let go from two positions. It was so hard walking into work to find out I only have a week left due to cut backs. Especially after getting rave reviews the week before.
2. I didn't major in a field that I really cared for. I was after money doing something I liked wouldn't have earned as much as the field I chose, so I chose money over what I liked. I did end up in a position I loved in the end but I worked a lot of jobs I hated to get there.
3. And this is the biggest and the one I'm going to really focus on. A lot of money is relative to whoever you're talking to.
   

Now I'm going to only focus on number three as to why I never had this struggle and the hubby shares the same sentiments. When going to school I couldn't wait to have a career making a lot of money. And when I'm talking about a lot of money I mean 6 to 7 digits. I guess I didn't do my research because very few careers pull in that kind of money.

Call me shallow but I like things big and expensive and never wanted to be middle class. I'm thrifty out of necessity not out of desire. I want to live in a gated community with a 10,000+ square ft home (and someone else to clean it) with the vehicle of my choosing. To some that's unbiblical to state you want to be rich but I don't care. It's not a life long goal or an obsession of mine by any means but I'll be real I want more money. I'm content with where I am right now but I still believe on improving and if we're going to get to that upper 6 and 7 digits we're not going to do it pushing any one's time clock. Someone once said Job stands for Just Over Broke and I echo that sentiment. Some may argue that if I were to go back to work I may have some of these things. If you think that, you still don't understand my mindset. I want those things and I want to pay cash for them. No financing etc. I want the 10,000+ sq ft home and I want it paid in full...I told you I don't think like most people and neither does Sam. I will not have that going back to being a project manager. And moving up in the system to get to this position I'm talking about will take FOREVER. Will I ever have this being at home? With our website I honestly believe we will one day (Sam's work is beyond amazing). With working a job, we won't.

Am I in to prosperity preaching? No I'm not. I don't believe in teaching God wants you to be rich etc. as the Joel Olsteens of the world do. I do believe in doing the best you can with the talents that God has given you. I don't believe that verse says it's wrong for people to be rich I just believe it's saying it's wrong for people to love money more than they love Christ and that's what I believe and what I'll tell my children. But that doesn't' mean they have to stay broke either. They just have to put everything in the right prospective. It's a goal we have, we don't walk around the house verbalizing it all the time, we both know the goal and end result and the amount of work it'll take to get there and other then this post it never comes up in conversation with anyone outside our home. In the meantime we just stay busy working towards it.

It was very soon after graduation and landing our first jobs that Sam and I realized that working in this field (and in most other fields) we're not going to make as much as we'd like to make. I don't consider 60 and 70 thousand a lot of money. That's just me. Other's don't have to agree but I really want financial freedom and most careers or jobs don't do that. I don't care if you're senior manager, you're still counting dollars.

In saying that I was never content in any job I was working anyhow. As much as I loved it I wanted to make more. You work like a dog. You get told how great you're doing and if the company needs to cut you then they cut you regardless. If you want to take a vacation you have to get someone to cover your projects for you or your shift depending on how your job works and you have a set amount of vacation days each year. I've worked some jobs where you have to accrue vacation days which was really hard 5.25 vacation days every two weeks - do you have any idea how long that'll take to accrue 40 hours!!! I still at that time didn't think I'd be home but I knew I wasn't huge on the working hard thing for a salary I deemed too low. And when raise time came around, guess what you get? 5% (sometimes a little higher but still not high enough in my opinion).

So let me back up a bit, when talking with the hubby I told him I was asked how we'd handle Peyton. After all doesn't she need to see Mommy working outside the home too? She may not get married, or she may marry a man who wants a dual income. So what values or ideas do we instill in her?

For us that's simple. Own whatever you do. It'll be the same for Nathan. If you want to be a doctor then that's fine but own your own practice. Build it up so high that one day you don't have to take patients but can hire other doctors to work under you and your name and you can take vacations. My goal for her would be to run some sort of business she can do remotely something on the internet or anything where she's not tied to some sort of store front. So she can travel etc when she wants. Is what we're telling her a pipe dream? No but it's very hard work. Is it risky? Of course. So is working for a company. (Did I mention I've been let go twice before). My husband and I started late. Our children can start early. I'm so interested in learning their interests to help them develop it into a ministry for Christ and a profit. But that's what we'll tell them. Go to school of course, but choose the best school you can. Be better then mom and dad. We live and learn. I don't go back in the past a lot on this and honestly don't take this post the wrong way I have not regrets. Had I thought of this in about 1995 or so I'd have a successful business of some sort and still be home doing it. It's all about choices and this is the life I chose and right now I'm extremely happy but for Peyton I'd say choose different. If she wants to work for a company one day, than that's her choice but I want to let her know she has options and I don't want her to be afraid to try something different then the "norm".

Also if I were to go back to work I wouldn't achieve much else. I'd finally get that minivan but up above I said I think big right? I want the limited edition, brand new, with navigation and leather, AWD etc. I'd still be looking at monthly payments working or not to determine if I could afford that one or not along with the best childcare I can find so I just don't see the benefit in doing it. I'd honestly rather stay home and see what skills I can use to make a profit on my own. There's tons of people making money off of blogging, I've never bothered researching how, but who knows maybe I could look into that. I know how to bake pretty good if I do say so myself. I really need to work on my presentation but the flavor is amazing :-) Who knows maybe I could turn that into a profit. It's something I'd explore before going back into the workforce. There's many ways to make money other then going to work for someone else. As a matter of fact with the economy being as bad as it is, it's becoming known as the best time to go into business for yourself. And it's also important to note that while a lot of people were impacted by the bad economy, a lot of other people weren't, I really wish the news would focus on those people a little more.

I'm not saying every one should be this way. We were at a picnic with one Sam's friends who said that he knows he'll never make big money working but he honestly feels more comfortable working for someone else then he would trying to make it work for himself. And you know what? That's ok too. I have an aunt who has a very small nice home and loves it. She tells me all the time: "Why would anyone want a house that big?" She truly wouldn't want it. And that's fine too. It's a preference.

I guess to answer the hubby's question. Everyone is different. Some people are happy working. It's great fulfillment to go into work and do something they worked to do in college. And we should respect that. And for some they know our children will only be with us for 18 years or so God willing and they want to still have their careers after the children are gone. And the truth is some people just don't want to do it. I've heard the "we can't afford to live on one income" thing to. Actually in some situations that's true but in others it may not be. When I left work, our bills far outweighed what was coming in. We made drastic changes in how we lived. We started cooking more than eating out, started shopping on Craigslist etc and we actually ended up paying off more bills on one income then we ever did on two. We don't talk about it a lot but if there was ever a time that we "stepped out on faith" that was it. You can come up with all the age old excuses that you want but at times it boils down to some women like working outside of the home and don't like staying at home and again that's that persons business.

I think that's why I love being home so much. The rewards for what I do are endless. I don't get compensation in the form of money but rather in the form of hugs. Does it get boring sometimes? I hardly get bored but I'd be a liar if I said it doesn't get boring at times. But I got bored with working too, even more bored actually. As much as I liked the people I was around going to the same cube got pretty monotonous. Just today I was in the other room and saw my two year old in the kitchen spill a little water on the counter as he was playing, he didn't know I was watching him but I saw him go and get a washcloth and take his time washing it up. He was so serious and concentrating so very hard and he did a really great job too. I watched him finish. Put the the washcloth away and pick up playing where he left off. I don't think he ever noticed me watching. I've got to witness my one year old learn what an airplane is. I love watching that finger in the air as she screams airplane. We live close to the airport so airplanes fly over all the time and that little finger goes straight in the air when she hears one screaming "airpune" LOL of course everything is "airpune" now. She's also very huggy and at time throughout the day she just crawls over and gets hugs. I have so many memories. Nathan just accidentally clunked a kid on the head at the park the other day (I know, aren't I the one always griping about bad children :0) and I took him over to apologize and he's been learning sign language and at that moment I realized he didn't know the sign language for "I'm sorry" and so we had to improvise. So many wonderful memories, that just go on and on, day after day after day... And I share these with Sam throughout the day as he's at work, and I guess he questions even more why anyone would dream of missing this if they had the chance to stay home and witness it. I was working on teaching my son how to count and I was teaching him on his fingers and he wasn't paying any attention to me and I was getting a little frustrated thinking he wasn't getting it so for the time being we moved on to something else. The next week I went into his room in the morning and he had his hands up, fingers spread, counting...he'd gotten it, what a wonderful memory. I get to discipline with patience (well sometimes at least that's my goal, LOL) and love. I was putting on my shirt to leave today and Peyton saw me putting over my head and she lifte her little shirt really high showing off her toddler belly. Her and Nathan have this silly laugh that they do back in forth that I love hearing when they're in the other room playing. Memories. So many memories.

So I guess I explained how I feel about work but don't let that discourage you. Everyone is different that's just my perspective. If you still decide that you want to go back to work one day, then that's fine. But while you're home try to let the feelings of discontentment go.

I chose a different path and a career that didn't do what I thought it would for me. Staying home was a culture shock and more fulfilling then punching a time clock. You know those mastercard commercials (or is it Visa) that says stuff like: "Buying a latte, 3.99, meeting a friend for lunch, priceless" For me it's: "Working outside the home, $50,000 a year. Staying home with Nathan and Peyton, priceless."

Blogging

You know I've really grown to love this blogging thing. I've always kept some sort of journal but with blogging I only have time to keep up Nathan and Peyton's journals and I'll just have to print this stuff I write for them to read when they're older.

I don't really do it for the people who read it. Occasionally I'll blog about something if asked but I forget about people who read it since most of you don't leave comments. LOL I was talking to my brother and he was like "yeah I was reading on your blog the other day..." that just struck me as hilarious. And you guys always email instead of leaving comments. Which I don't mind that either. I have to remember to check my email though. Since most of you are on face book now I hardly check my email anymore. I used to check it all the time but now maybe once a day if I remember (sometimes only once a week...). So forgive me for the late responses. Blogging has become therapeutic for me in a sense. I love it. I have a mind that stays full and that's where journaling always came in handy for me. I remember being up during the wee hours of the night before-unable to sleep and would grab a journal and write down what was on my mind and for some reason that always helped me to sleep. It was like I got something off my chest. Blogging can be like that and even better at times because I can type faster than I write anyhow.

I hope I don't offend when I write. That's never my goal. But it does feel good to talk openly at times and hear your views as well, whether they're in agreement or not. I've shared good times, frustrating times, things I think are wrong, my personal thoughts, my anger etc. and again it just felt good to write it. I'm not a wordsmith. I've always preferred to write my feelings out rather then discuss them (something that tends to drive my husband crazy). But it's just how I express myself. I'm not really a big phone person, although please note I don't mind getting calls, LOL don't want that statement to be misunderstood. I love hearing people's voices every now and then but the only people I really call regularly are my buddies who I know don't do anything electronically. So writing for me as a whole is just fun. It's also great because I'm not being graded on bad grammar (and I'm sure there is a lot of it) etc. I can write and just be me.

LOL if you haven't already noticed this blog has not real point to it, so with that I'll end it here. God Bless have a great week!

Just us women

I had lunch with two of my good friends today and it was so wonderful to be able to laugh and be silly together. No husbands or children just us girls. We were able to talk about the serious stuff as well as the not so serious and also encourage each other in Christ.

I'm thankful for the women God have placed in my life in recent years. Sam and I keep saying we want to move out of Cleveland yet at times I have my doubts because I've met quite a few people that I'd hate to leave behind. People who are like family to both of us. Who knows what the future holds. I'm honestly just taking one day at a time. But today was a good day:-)

-- Post From My iPhone

My Hero

I have to write about my hero. My love. My husband.

There's so many wonderful things I can say about him but this post couldn't fit them all.

I can't tell you how much I admire him. Still to this day I've not met anyone quite like him. He's not easily provoked and not easily angered. Sometimes I wonder if anything phases him. And the best trait about him is he really thinks before he speaks. It's a trait I'd like to emulate one day. He brings a peace to our home that is immeasurable. In all of our 7 years of marriage I've honestly never heard him argue with anyone (except me of course;-).

He's gentle yet firm when it comes to disciplining the children, hardly raising his voice. He keeps his cool in the most difficult situations. He knows how to admit when he's wrong and he will accept his faults and apologize if need be. He's not perfect and is willing to admit that and he's always willing to learn in areas that he's weak.

Sam works hard providing for his family and he does it without complaining. As a matter of fact it seems to bring him joy. He's diligent.

He's not a fearful man, not easily ruffled even in the most difficult situations.

The most important thing is he lead me to Christ. My parents took me to church my entire life but my husband led me to Jesus Christ. After witnessing all of the qualities I described above I wanted to know what was his inspiration. What made him truly love and care for people.? What makes him love me and our children so much? What makes him hold his tongue even in the most difficult situations?

I love the caring soft way he cares for the children. I love to see him greasy underneath the hood of the car (kind of sexy too I might add). He's a hard worker. He has goals for our family and he works hard at making those goals a reality.

I see a lot of my husband in my son and I'm so proud of that. As much as I want Nathan to talk more I notice how much he observes, how much he listens to people. Sometimes it's fun to watch them standing next to each other father and son. Then I love how Peyton crawls to him full speed screaming Dada. I love how Sam makes a point of giving her a kiss every single night. I love the tone of his voice when he says "honey" to Peyton and Nathan. I love that he tells them "I love you" all the time.

He seeks God and leads us in prayer every night. He's my best source of advice. My favorite shoulder to lean on. Just my favorite person in this world. My hero. My husband.

Quotes part 1

Just sharing a few quotes I like and heard on focus on the family today.

"He is no fool who gives up what he can't keep to gain what he can't lose"

"Some women work so hard to make men into good husbands that they fail to be good wives"

"A good marriage is a union of two forgivers"

"Changing your partner is only changing troubles"

"You can make more money but you cannot make more time"

"at the other end of life we're not going to wish we spent another day at the office"

"children are a living message we're going to send to a time we're never going to see"

"Lord if it pleases you, it pleases me...that's a sign of meekness"

"I can't learn to love, if I never learn to forgive"

"God uses those people who offend us to shape and mold and correct us"



-- Post From My iPhone

No Title

I couldn't figure out what to title this one. So it doesn't have one.

My ex sister in law made a point of letting me know what a horrible Aunt I am yesterday. She grew up in a household I guess where the aunts and uncles were really tight with the neices etc. Until I married my husband I never witnessed that kind of aunt and uncles relationship on that level.

Do I have a favorite aunt? Yes it's always been one of my Dad's sisters. I really have nothing bad to say about her. She's just great. We've never had a phone relationship I've just always gone over her house and she feeds us and we leave with Doggie bags and I love laughing with her etc. She's great what can I say.

I have a favorite Uncle too - my mom's oldest brother. I really love that man. He really reminds me of my Grandfather too. We talk maybe once a year.

Bare with me I may have a point. I was always close to my Grandparents and as a mom that's always been the main relationship that mattered with my children. I'm not undermining the others. It's just I never would've come to the conclusion that my children aren't important to their Aunts and Uncles. Whether they called them everyday or once every two years I wouldn't put much thought into it. Would it be nice if they chose to call everyday or once a week- I always felt it was up to them, not a requirement in my book and definitely not an indication of their love for them.

Did hearing the words hurt? They actually did. Especially since two years ago the same person point blank told me "if anything ever happens to us I want you and Sam to raise our son." And i've not acted any different auntwise as I did two years ago. The hardest part about relationships is that people often expect you to act as they would and if you don't then a conclusion can be reached in our minds that may be far from the truth. I'm guilty of this too. I've never had a close phone relationship with any adult ouside my grandparents. No Godparents I know about, I never asked at least. Would it have been nice if my aunts and uncles called more? I guess so but it's not something I think much about. Honestly in this new world of technology I'd prefer a quick email or something anyway.

Can I make excuses for myself being a 'bad' aunt? No, but honestly in this situation it's difficult divorces are ugly and I don't think anything would satisfy her no matter what I do and I prefer to deal with my brother so she'd never know any efforts I have or have not made.

What should I do in the future to be a better Aunt? Honestly not sure but won't deny there's always room for improvement and don't mind suggestions. People show and receive love in different ways I honestly thought I was by making sure my nephew had a good time when around but maybe that's not enough. So I'll take suggestions. I know a lot of you who email me directly will say the obvious "treat them how you'd want to be treated". LOL that advice won't work in this situation as I described above growing up was all about the grandparents and I already have treated all of my neices and nephews how I was treated. So I need something better.
-- Post From My iPhone

The new Christian

I'm so sick of this new Christianity. I see why people who aren't Christians don't want to be. I'm sick of the anything goes faith that basically says we can do whatever we want and there's no consequences.

So sick of talking to people shacking up and giving honor to God for it and telling me how God "spoke" to them yesterday. God doesn't speak while you're living in sin. I'm sick of people doing whatever they want and telling me how God talks to them everyday. Unless God is convicting you of your sin, I doubt He's talking to you. There's many examples in the Bible when God was silent.

Michael Jackson just died and tons of Christians are saying Rest in Peace. Granted we don't know where he went but the last we knew he was a professed muslim. And if we believe our Christian faith to be correct then unless he accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior then he is not Resting in Peace. The Bible clearly said there is only one way.

The funny part of this is other religions know it. Why do you think so many people are against Christianity. It's the only faith that specifically said that unless you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior there is no other way. It seems everyone knows this but Christians themselves.

How do I know all of this. Because I had sin in my life and I still struggle with sin and you know what God forgives but there are still consequences to sin that don't necessarily go away. God does not honor my sin or anyone else's.

We cannot get into heaven living however we want. You can't get there by being a good person either but your life should show some evidence of Christ or your talk is just that. And I'm not saying we're not going to make mistakes along the way, I'm just saying we shouldn't excuse them.

It Doesn't Matter

Three deaths this week in Hollywood. Maybe more I don't know. But three very big ones. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

You know what strikes me the most in death, especially death of rich and famous people? It doesn't matter. Hear me out. I'm not saying their death doesn't matter. Death matters no matter who the person is. But here we have people who travelled the world and made millions and were worshipped in a sense. No doubt many people are mourning right now. People who haven't even met any of these people yet feel they know them from watching them grow up.

But sadly their lives are over. Ages 86, 62, and 50. And now they enter into Eternity which is a lot longer than any of the numbers just typed and where did they end up? I honestly don't know and won't suspect, however, now that they're gone everything is left, the riches and the fame and they're left to face the creator who only cares about what they did for Him. Did any of them accept Christ and live out their lives for him? Now it's too late, but will they be like the rich man in the Bible looking up begging to go back and warn their families?

Sam and I were just talking about this the other day. Many people have died and for those who had it all on earth and chose not to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and die and realize that God is real and eternity is spent in one of two places - How would they live their life if they could come back? Would they realize that nothing else matters except what they do for Christ? It'd be interesting to be able to see the change in those people if they were able to come back and do it over. And I told my husband aren't we guilty of the same thing? We have a golden opportunity to let our lives reflect Christ! To be the Christians God has called us to be. Let us not let time run out! If you haven't accepted Christ, then do it. I remember talking to a Jehovah Witness at my house recently who told me that if I choose not to follow their way then after I die I just stay in the ground, I then told her that's not a bad thing actually it doesn't sound like a consequence I just sleep for eternity so to me there's no point in following their way but if I'm right and she's wrong then the consequences are severe (this left her speechless). If you have accepted Christ then start honoring him with more than your words. I know the saying is old but talk is cheap. If we say we're Christians yet live and look like the world then our talk is cheap. Our time is going to run out. Unless the rapture happens first, we have an appointment to keep. We don't know the day or time but it's going to run out and like Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon we're going to leave everything behind. We have second chances while on this earth but we won't have a second chance then and God is only going to care about one thing.

So worth it

I wake up a hour before Peyton, then she wakes up an hour before Nathan. During that time we cuddle and say quick prayers. Then Nathan wakes up full of energy usually and his hugs are tight with a rough edge and thus begins our day. The children are feeling better so their activities have increased. It's summer so a lot of the neighborhood kids are outside playing.

I'm just so thankful right now. I love being home. I was walking around the zoo yesterday, thanking God and thanking Sam for being so appreciative of this arrangement. The day before we went to a kiddie park and had a wonderful time.

Even when Peyton was in the hospital I was thankful to be able to be there myself. I love being home. Even right now it's 9:50 and I'm letting the children sleep in. Peyton's usually up at 8 so I'm guessing she's pretty tired ;-). The windows are open and the birds are chirping. My storms have passed it's 80 degrees. It's so nice to plan the day. I keep activites planned for the children but if we get to them fine - if not - oh well.

I'm in love with being home full time and as time progress and the children grow, my love for being here grows as well. I love watching them discover new things, and taking them on trips. I love researching online- finding new places and things to stimulate them. I love putting them down for naps and greeting Sam after he gets off.

I love being able to console the children at night, knowing the next day we can just relax if we haven't gotten the proper sleep. I love it. This post is more so directed at the mother's or new mothers contiplating leaving work or staying at home with your new baby. You always hear the negatives but not the postives. If you have to work then don't beat youself up over that but if there's a possibility of staying home and you're hesitant or scared-don't be. It's a transition and in the beginning it may be rough, but it's so worth it if you can.

I hear Peyton waking up "talking" so I have to go :-)



-- Post From My iPhone

Lost, Frustration

I was just blogging - had a long thing and the program closed without saving the changes. I want to throw this phone across the room, but of course I won't.


-- Post From My iPhone

Lately

This will be another post with possible misspellings. I'm blogging from my phone and there's no spell check in this app and honestly I don't feel like proofreading.

I've been experiencing the worst migraine headaches lately. They started last week and have just been back to back. I made a Doctor's appt after the second episode. I honestly didn't know what canbe causing them and home remedies weren't working to make them go away.

It was interesting talking to the doc who just wanted to know "what's been going on in my life lately". I told him I didn't think it was stress related but as I began talking my list of "issues" got longer and longer.

•. I wouldn't call myself a neat freak, however I do hate a mess, but with Peyton in the hospital and then with both children still being sick the week after, household work has piled up to the point of unmanageable. And when I have time to work I have a migraine and can't.

•. My two children who were sleeping 10 hours a night constantly wake up screaming for some odd reason. So I really haven'tgotten any sleep in the last three weeks.

•. My 2 yr old is really fascinated with sticking any and everything up his nose (so far today I've pulled out 3 green beans and left the one I couldn't reach) so now I have to watch him like a hawk.

•. Peyton's hospital stay, combined with my husband's annual trip wipes out the possibility of a vacation (it's all a long story).

•. Since it's summer we're getting tons of invited to different places and I'd love to support but just don't feel like it anymore too much running.



But you know in all of this complaining (and I could continue) something happened Sunday that helped for some reason. I was at church and we try to go late so we can at least hear the sermon but the two toddlers were already restless so I decided to leave. And there's a lady there who I met three weeks ago and I'm going to blog about her soon because our initial meeting left such a huge impression on me. But anyway she was in the back row and as I was walking out with the children, she turned around and reached for Peyton.

It was such a simple gesture but I appreciated it so much. She has three children in their pre teen and teenage years so she definitely can relate to missing sermons. But she doesn't know yet but after some stressful weeks that simple gesture of help really helped start this week off right. I talked to her later in the lobby and she said "let me startholding Peyton more so she can get used to me, that way you and Sam only have to worry about Nathan". Do you see why I have to blog about this girl in the future? I didn't ask this or hint-nothing she reached out on her own. Everyone who reads this blog know how much I love the thought of a Titus woman and this person was that to me on Sunday.

Then after church we got to go over our friends house for brunch. A older couple whom we love and admire. And again unknown to them they ministered to us as well. Mr. Riggins has a smile that is so warm and genuine and Mrs. Riggins always comforts me with her motherly words of wisdom (she has three grown children herself). And as Sam and the children sat out on the patio with Mr. Riggins I had a long talk with Mrs. Riggins and she said "let me hug you sweetie" and to be honest it felt do great to be hugged by her as a motherlike figure to me.

So despite everything the week started ok. I only got one migraine this week so far and the medicine helped knock it out. This summer will get better, I'm sure of it :-)
-- Post From My iPhone