Happy New Year

I had such a wonderful Holiday Season this year.

Christmas was fantastic, both my parents and in-laws were present, along with both of my brothers and my brother-in-law and his family, not to mention my Grandmother. It was a wonderful time and I was so thankful.

Not to be morbid but I looked around the room several times and thought to myself: "You never know but someone may not be here this time next year." Who knows it could be me. But for now I'm cherishing all these precious moments.

I attached the above song because it's truly one of my favorites and it speaks volumes as to how great Jesus Christ is.

Have a blessed and safe New Year!

Separate but Equal...

****This topic I'm tackling is kind of controversial but it's been bothering me lately so I'm going to attempt to discuss it tastefully. I respect everyone who reads this blog. Please read this to the end before passing judgement and I welcome any and all comments. You can attach them or email them to me directly.****

Sam and I love going for drives. We actually go pretty often and as a result we know our way around Cleveland pretty well. Actually we know our way better than some of the "natives." But we stumbled up on a new area on Sunday while we were out. It's North Ridgeville and I'm not sure if it's Cuyahoga county or not but anyway we happened up there. And I didn't like it. As a matter of fact I'm getting pretty sick of Cleveland and all of it's suburbs especially since Sam and I have had children. I was reading an article and did you know that in 1997 Cleveland was ranked #4 in the list of the most segregated cities. Am I the only one outraged at this?

I'm sick of going to Bedford Heights, East Cleveland, Warrensville Heights and seeing all black people, just like I'm sick of going to Westlake, Medina, Mentor, and seeing all white. When I talk to black people, well they won't move to the West side and when I talk to white they're usually in an area where black people won't go. And I'm usually talking to Christians when I'm having this conversation.

I live on the West side of Cleveland. When Sam and I were in the process of moving to Cleveland we were really searching for diversity. We failed. It's not diverse here. If anything it's more white than black and I don't mind that aspect of it. There's quite a few Hispanics here as well. And we loved it until we had children. Now I always look at our children wondering "What school will I send them too?" I want it to be a mixed school. Seriously I do. I had friends of different races in school and I loved it. I'd love to go in the basement and see Nathan and Peyton playing with black, white, Hispanic, Indian, Arab whatever. However the schools here aren't diverse and Sam and I refuse to send our children to a school that's not. Contrary to what people tell me about "good" schools, I don't consider it "good" at all if only one race goes there (and that doesn't matter if that race is black or white). As a matter of fact I consider it one of the worst and so I live around some of the "worst" schools there are and my son or daughter won't be going to them, I'm going to home school before I do that. I'm proud of the Little Rock nine (and if you're reading this and don't know about the Little Rock nine...) but as a mother I couldn't have been the one to allow my children to do that. I'm glad God picked people in our history that did that but if I choose to put myself in the situation that's one thing but I couldn't have done it with Nathan and Peyton.

There is a Christian school not to far from us and we looked into that as an option. But have anyone noticed that churches are Extremely segregated? And I'm guilty in this area as well. We visited the church a few years ago and we made two mistakes. First we were about 10 minutes late. Second we entered in the front of the church where everyone could see us. It was Wednesday night Bible study and Sam and I decided to go knowing that we'd probably be the only blacks in there. You see I can get the word of God from any race. I listen to Moody radio and as long as the Pastor is teaching and it's Biblical then I don't care what race it is. But anyway so we get to the church a little late and there's about a 1000 people (no joke) at Bible Study...and all of them decided to "welcome" Sam and Me. It was the most awkward experience ever. I know we probably would've been insulted if no one spoke but before you criticize let me explain where I'm coming from.

I actually consider myself an introvert. That'll surprise a lot of you, but I am. If I don't know you, work with you, or if I'm not properly introduced I usually keep to myself. I'll smile or wave but I probably won't start a conversation cause it's out of my comfort zone. So to have a huge number of people constantly singling you out to "welcome" you in one setting (and that setting isn't a party for you or your wedding) was very uncomfortable. I'm sure Sam and I weren't the only visitors but we were the only black ones so we stuck out like a sore thumb and I think the people meant well but it actually made us want to leave. After the first group of people greeted us we had to quit making eye contact because we just didn't want to be approached anymore (that method didn't help - they kept coming in numbers). I think they really wanted us to feel welcome but it kind of backfired a little. I don't know what they could've done different and I'm not mad at them for it because they were doing what we as Christians are supposed to do but it was just very very awkward for Sam and me and just uncomfortable. I didn't feel that they were welcoming us as visitors because I didn't see any of the other visitor being "welcomed" the way we were, I think we were being welcomed because we as African Americans visited the church and that made it awkward.

Needless to say I did go back to the church on my own. Sam was out of town one Sunday and I decided to visit again and again I was welcomed in the same way. I even got to meet the first lady and the Pastor of the church and they came and visited Sam and me at home that week. That was a really nice memory that we have. I couldn't believe that they took the time out of their busy schedule to come and see us...of course I haven't heard from them since and that's been about 4 years ago.

I would love to find a mixed church just like I'd love to find a mixed neighborhood but Sam and I realize that it's not going to happen in Cleveland, OH and we plan on moving out ASAP. I'm sick of having this conversation with people. It's actually a very hard one to have. When I used to work I remember talking to one of my co workers and he was telling me how terrified he is to drive through East Cleveland. So I was really insulted by this. I know the crime is high there but here I am an African American and he's Italian and to me it just sounds like "I'm afraid to drive through that all black neighborhood" So I casually said "I'm afraid to drive through Parma" and he looked stunned and asked why? And I told him for the same reason he's afraid to drive through East Cleveland - no one in that neighborhood looks like me. And then he truly realized what he was saying and apologized for it. But he didn't know why I would be afraid of something like that. He may see that area as no crime but I see it as an area I wouldn't want to break down in.

Case in point, when Nathan was only about 7 months old, we were leaving a Dollar General store in the plaza and as I'm loading things into the car a man in a pick up truck sitting nearby yelled at Nathan and me "Stupid Nigger."

Honestly I had to stop typing for a second cause the emotion I felt from that day just came back. I wasn't so mad about him calling me that as I was that my son was in my arms and he called him that. If I'd had a gun that day, I probably would've shot him. That's how angry I was at that moment. I was thankful that Sam wasn't with me because I have no clue what he would've done. I put Nathan in the car and I have a coupe. Remember when Britney Spears drove with her children in her lap saying she feared for their safety and we all talked about her. Well honestly I almost put Nathan in my lap to drive away. I have to lean in the back to put him in his carseat (he wasn't in his carrier, I'd left that in the car) so out of fear for his safety mainly I almost drove a little distance just to get him to where I felt he was safe enough to put him in his seat. But I prayed for God's protection and I got in the backseat with Nathan and locked the door and strapped him in and then got out and drove away and I haven't been back to that Dollar General since. I remember the drive home and yes I cried about it and was still crying when I got home to Sam. It was only supposed to be a quick run to grab something really quick. I don't know how my ancestors dealt with that day in and day out. I know some of my people use that word but I don't. I hate it no matter who says it and I won't even buy music that promotes that crap.

So it sucks because I can't find a neighborhood here that we like. I want Nathan and Peyton to be able to relate to all people. Have you ever run into anyone who grew up in a neighborhood that's all one color and went to a college that's all one color? I have and it doesn't matter if they're black or white - they're at a disadvantage in my book. I had a friend that I worked with at Key who grew up in East Cleveland and then went away to an all black college. Well the department she worked for was all white and she didn't fit in at all and she knew it. I had many a lunch date with her and she'd be in tears telling me what she's going through. And you know what? I blame her. I'm sure it was nice to go to the historically black college but at some point in life you're going to have to learn to deal with other races and if she would've sought that out earlier, then it wouldn't have been such a "culture shock" to her. And news flash if we can't get along down here how can we get along in Heaven?

Sam worked with a guy that I truly admired. He was our parents age and he said that he grew up in Mentor and when he went to college it was the first time that he ever had to deal with black people and it was a culture shock to him. He said all through grade school and high school it was always white then he went to a diverse college and he just couldn't relate. This man made great money and could've moved to Westlake, Strongsville or whatever but he told us that he chose South Euclid because he wanted his children to be around other nationalities and be able to relate to all people.

Do you know that the Bible never said anything about other races dating? The Bible said not to be unequally yoked, meaning don't marry a non Christian. Sam and I had a long discussion and we decided early on that we have two requirements for Nathan and Peyton: 1. Whoever they date/marry must be born the opposite sex then them (in this day in age unfortunately you have to specify that) and 2. They must be a Christian (some of you are wondering why I specify that second but hey a lot of transgendered people are claiming to be Christians so I feel we have to get the other out of the way first). Color doesn't matter to Sam or me. Now I don't want to hear them downing their race and using that as an excuse to date someone else. As African Americans ourselves I won't have that but if they want to date outside their race, I'm fine with it as long as the above two requirements are met.

But I don't know where life is going to take us. Hopefully away from Cleveland and its suburbs and we're always on the quest to find diversity. Sam and I have exhausted the Cleveland suburbs and we're not satisfied. There's Shaker but to me in shaker the blacks live on their side of Shaker and the whites live on their side of Shaker and the taxes there are ridiculous so that's out. And I want more for our children. Please be careful in commenting on suggestions as to where we should move. When I used to work people would say "Hey how about North Royalton, I have a black family on my street" One or two black families in a neighborhood doesn't make it diverse! Just like one or two white families in a neighborhood doesn't do that either. So watch and think about your suggestions. I'm trying to teach them to love Christ but how can I do that if I don't teach them to love their fellow man? I know they're going to run into prejudice just like I did that day (and many times before, yes I've been followed in stores and my husband has been pulled over COUNTLESS times by the police for no reason) and we'll have to equip them with the knowledge on how to deal with that. But God told us to love people:

1 John 4:20 - 20If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

And how can I teach our children to love people that they never get to see...Think about it.

Rediscovered

There was a show on last night called "Rediscovered." Where the producer of the Mickey Mouse Club brought back 5 people who'd auditioned for the show when they were kids to sing in front of a live audience. The people are now grown and 4 out of the 5 were married and the winner got $50,000 in cash. None of them are stars now.

I'm still waiting for my call. Many of you don't know this but I auditioned for the Mickey Mouse Club when I was in the fifth grade. I'm not kidding I really did. My parents brought me to Cleveland and I auditioned. I passed the singing part - not to brag but my voice is ok. Please don't ask me to sing you any solos I wouldn't put it in the category of great...no one would every say "That girl can sang" (those of you brought up in my family know that if the term "sang" is used then you can really blow)...don't forget that Britney Spears made it, so me saying I passed the singing part isn't that big of a deal. Of course Christina Aguliera was on there too but I can't even touch her singing wise. But anyway I passed the singing part but got the boot when I went on to the dancing part of the audition.



I never looked back. I'm actually glad I didn't make it in show business. I'm so happy with Sam and our children and I would hate to be followed all the time by the paparazzi. I honestly wouldn't mind the money though (hey I have to be truthful) but I'd hate the fame...Ok, I'm lying, I would like to sign a few autographs LOL but I wouldn't want the lasting fame where I get no privacy. And I have to admit, it would be kind of cool to be called to go on the "Rediscovered" show.




I have to call my parents to make sure the producers didn't call. I could see my mother on the phone, "Who? Mickey Mouse. LaToya doesn't live here anymore." LOL I'll have to call my mom to let her know just in case.

Time's ticking away

Yesterday I was on the floor playing with Peyton. Sam was working from home and Nathan was taking a nap and Peyton didn't want to nap so I got on the floor and played with her. I've done this before but yesterday was different. I started tapping the floor and she started imitating me and when I'd stop she'd grab my hands to continue. I started making noises and she started trying to imitate. The bad part was I wondered to myself, "How long has she been doing this?"

It's so easy to miss the little stuff. And I realized that I've been pretty busy lately. Even though I'm home full time "stuff" still gets in the way. Well that's about to change. I have to set limits. I have a ton of stuff to do each day to keep the house functioning properly but I'm going to have to manage my time better. It was a lot easier with just one child.

When Nathan was a baby it was quicker to clean and I didn't have a toddler going behind me when I'd finished cleaning making new messes :-) Also I kept a whiteboard up and I literally had everyday written out and that was a big help. Now the whiteboard is down because it used to be in the "office" which is now Peyton's room (that she's still not sleeping in by the way). Too Peyton is a much "easier" baby than Nathan was, as long as I'm in the room I can put her somewhere and this allows me to get stuff done.

A lot of people think I chose to stay home because I don't trust daycares or sitters. While that's a small part of it it's only about 5% (a VERY small part). The main reason I chose to stay home is because I don't want to miss my children growing up. Especially during these Baby/Toddler/Pre school years. Before Sam and I made the decision for me to be home full time, I spent a lot of time talking to "career" women. And I only spoke to the ones who's children were now grown. And every single one of them told me that if they had it to do over they wouldn't have worked when their children were young. They'd had no problems with daycares or sitters actually, but they said they missed way too much. I also talked to some stay at home mothers or mothers who'd stayed at home until their children were older (my mom included) and some of them wished they'd worked, mainly so they would've afforded more, I can relate to that feeling at times, if I were working now I'd have that minivan I've been wanting... So I had two opinions to go on to decide what we wanted to do. It also helped that I worked in a daycare for a year while in college so I already knew how they worked. Sam and I didn't have the option of working alternate shifts or going part time and though he can work from home at times he still wouldn't be able to have the kids around - it's a big no no to be dialed into a meeting with children behind you. We worked 8 hours a day with 1 hour for an unpaid lunch so Nathan and Peyton would've been with a sitter no less than 10 hours a day (hopefully because sometimes I worked 60 hour weeks...). So for Sam and I it was just figuring out which I may regret more. Working or not working.

I admit I need my sanity at times and time with adults (no children around). And I have to give it to Sam, he's very good at making sure I get that. I don't think I've ever heard him object to me getting together with one of my girlfriends. As a matter of fact he really encourages it so no complaints there. And I found a few other full time mothers so our children can socialize and I can have other adults to be around during the day so that helps too. Though I had a great job with a wonderful manager and great co workers, I've actually never missed work for any reason other than the extra income it brings.

So what's getting in the way? I can't blame it on having 2 children. Sam's a hands on father and spends ample time with the children and I get a significant amount of alone time with each child because of this. So I can't use that excuse. It's just stuff. The desire for a clean home. The desire to call my friends to say "hi" or "can I pray for you." The desire to keep in touch with people by sending a gazillion e-mails a day. etc. Just stuff. So I'm cutting out some stuff.

If God's willing I'll have my children for 18 years (22 if they go to college locally) and I think I'd rather have a less cleaner home (although trust me not nasty) and send fewer emails so that I can witness every moment possible.

So I'm starting today. It's actually 8:00 am and both children are in bed, which is the reason I'm writing. And I'm going to get that whiteboard back up. I have to go back to the original reason as to why I'm home which is to take care of my family. Believe it or not it is possible to be home full time and still "miss" this little stuff and I don't want to miss a thing. I know there's going to be times when the children have to entertain themselves or Peyton has to be in that swing or bouncer while Nathan plays with his cars on the floor so I can get things done and also I'm not going to give up the hour of alone time I get each evening but I just need to refocus and scale back a little.

In Your Dreams

Anyway I had a dream the other night that I was being pursued by Brad Pitt. I know that's what I said! Who? Yes I spelled it right Brad Pitt. The dumb part about this dream is that; 1. I'm happily married. 2. Brad Pitt? I don't find him attractive at all. Nor am I a fan. The only two movies I saw of his were "Troy" (and I didn't know he was in it until I watched it) and "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" (And actually I thought that one sucked, I just saw it out of curiousity. I wanted to see if I noticed an attraction between him and Angelina).

I told Sam about this dream and he had a good laugh at my expense. No nothing happened in the dream (get your minds out of the gutter).

I'm actually insulted at this. My goodness if I'm going to dream about someone other than my husband I couldn't dream anyone better than that?

Holiness

I've written several posts over the last few days actually but just haven't brought myself to publish any of them.

Right now I'm really struggling with something and that is the Holiness of God.

I know I just threw a lot of you with that but I guess it hit me the other day really really hard. I was sitting and reading a book called "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado and I came upon a part that said that the scribes used to wash themselves before they'd even write God's name (Yahweh) that's how sacred and holy that name is. Believe it or not that part in that book hit me like a ton of bricks and stopped me in my tracks and just haven't left me and it made me realize that I just don't understand how Holy God really is. If I did I wouldn't do half the things that I do.

I love the Lord. I love my salvation and it's something that's very dear to me. I dedicated my life to Christ at the age of 23 and have never been the same. But sometimes I truly don't understand how Holy God is. Does that make me any less of a Christian? I hope not. I want to honor Him and live for Him and His word provides me with all the information I need but sometimes when I'm reminded of how Holy He is it just stomps me.

I know when the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary he said "Don't be afraid Mary " (Luke 1:30) He said the same thing to Zechariah earlier in Luke 1:13. The angel of the Lord that appeared to the Shepard's in Luke 2:10 had to tell them not to fear as well. When God called to Moses from the bush he told Moses to remove his Sandals because he was standing on Holy ground. (Exodus 3:5). The lady who was bleeding had so much faith in Christ that she just wanted to touch the Hem of his garment.

Please don't feel that I'm extremely well versed in the Bible just cause I'm quoting scripture above. I'm actually just looking these verses up as I go along. But the point is that God was revered. He was seen as the Holy being He is.

I've been struggling with this because maybe sometimes we as Christians don't give Him the respect He deserves. It's as if as time goes by He becomes less and less important and even though He's just as powerful now as He was then we don't respect Him as such. And I don't know why but over the last few days this concept has been weighing heavily on my mind.

I was just reading a book called "Lies Young Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh Demoss and I came across a quote in the book:

"All too often what passes for Christianity is not true Christianity at all. It is an impostor. And the sad thing is that most people don't know the difference." J David Hoke

In the old testament it was known that you couldn't look upon the face of God and live. He's a Holy God and we're to regard Him as such, but what does that mean?

I don't really ask a lot of people for their advice on how we're to act as Christians...truth be told I don't respect most people's opinions on the subject. Sadly I have very few role models in this area and maybe my recent posts on the Britney Spears songs disqualify me as well in some peoples eyes but how are we to act as Christians? It's something I'm praying for. The Bible is the best place to start but I remember arguing with friends long ago who made statements like "The Bible didn't say we can't listen to this music." My answer was, of course not Britney Spears wasn't around then, along with CD's, Blue Ray, Ipods, etc. So how in this day and age are we to conduct ourselves? And what should we consider crossing the line? Or better yet what would God consider crossing the line? Too often we look no different than the non Christians and this makes Christianity very unattractive to the people we're trying to reach.

I was struggling awhile back when watching Top model because the show really advocates homosexuality and Tyra is a big supporter if it and I know that the more people who watch the show help the ratings and keep it on the air. Anyway I voiced my concerns to one of my Christian friends and she told me there was nothing wrong with me watching it since I knew better. Was this bad advice?

I'm going back through a book called "Holiness" by Nancy Leigh Demoss and she addresses some of these issues head on and just steps on all my toes and maybe I need that right now. I really want to be able to model Christ for my Husband, and children and for myself because I have to stand alone on judgement day.

But anyway I know this post isn't really that well written and that I could probably never understand the true Holiness of Christ but I really want to understand more. I know when I get to Heaven I'll be praising God all day and will love doing it, but I struggle with that because it seems so wonderful but why am I not doing that now? I pray a lot and when a prayer is answered I stand in awe at what God has done at that moment but then the moment fades and life continues and I don't find myself praising as much as I should.

Also if God were to appear right now and I was to live through that, what would my reaction be? Would I cry, fall to my knees and worship. What would I see?

A funny side note is as I was thinking all of this the other day it just hit me that what if one of the angels were to appear now? How scary would that be? I understand why they told everyone not to be afraid. Could you imagine just standing there and out of the blue there's this Holy being right next to you? What if you were using the restroom at that time? Do you finish or sit there and listen?

Happy Birthday

Nathan's birthday is tomorrow. I can't believe it! My baby will be 2 years old.



I don't know who's more excited about it him or me. I just have so many memories already with him in my stomach (he used to love when I took a bath. When I'd sit in the tub he'd just be kicking and going crazy in there and he loves getting baths now). I remember seeing him in the hospital and bringing him home etc. Just so many wonderful memories in this 2 year time.



We're going to be having a party for him, nothing big just a few guests. Since his birthday is so close to Christmas I want to make a point of always separating it and making sure it's celebrated. I didn't have a party for him last year when he turned 1 and believe it or not I caught a lot of slack for that. We just wanted to celebrate it with just the four of us (Peyton was in my belly). So Sam took off of work and we started the celebration at 12:09 am (when he was born...yes he was still awoke). We let him open his gifts and I'd ordered a banner that said "Happy Birthday Nathan" that we'd hung up in his room.



After he opened gifts we went to bed and the next day we took him to the "Children's Museum" here in Cleveland and we had a blast. It was honestly one of the best days ever. He got to play all day which is great and the museum was perfect for his age. I wanted to take him to Chuckie Cheese's also that day but he fell asleep as soon as he go in the car. When we got home we got him a slice of vanilla cake which he just played with.

He literally started walking without assistance on his B-day. Now he's running and playing and being a wonderful big brother and the perfect son for us :-) I than God for him everyday.

When I crack that whip, everybody gon' trip

This thing is spiraling out of control.

So this morning Peyton decides to wake up at 6:30ish. She popped up wide awake. I wasn't ready to wake up, but had no choice. So by the time I was already fully awake she decides to tuck back in (around 8:00). Nathan wasn't awake and I wasn't sleepy anymore so I turned on the tube. Big mistake.

Britney Spears was on Good Morning America this morning. I guess it's her birthday today and she has a new album coming out and they dedicated most of the show to her and she was performing and everything. Anyway she did a new song called 'Circus'...it was HOT! I liked it better than the 'Womanizer' song that I'd written about before. I don't even listen to secular radio but now I'm starting to hear all this Britney stuff and I'm liking it.

The only thing I didn't like is that she lost weight. I know that sounds cynical but the last time I saw her perform it was on some show and she was kinda flabby and it was all over the news. But I thought it was kind of cool. Being that I've had two children, one by c-section myself it was kind of good to see a star with a gut like mine flaunting it on national television. Now she's gone back to looking like everyone else and where's the originality in that?

What's wrong with me. I know I alluded to being a fan the last time but I was actually joking. Now I hear this song and like it as well, and I'm realizing it's not actually a joke anymore. Am I going to buy the album? No. I'm not going to go that far but I must admit my head started rocking quite a bit to that circus song.

It's ok

I had an interesting conversation with a 14 year old at church yesterday. I'll call the young girl Amy.

I always see the pre teens and teenagers in the bathroom when I go down to feed and change Peyton and I run into Amy nearly all the time down there.

Anyway we were discussing movies cause I told her that my son is a huge Elmo fan and she suggested that I get him a children's book by Tori Spelling. I didn't tell her but of course to me Tori Spelling and children's book don't even sound right in the same sentence. But anyway that's beside the point. I told her I didn't know that Tori Spelling had written children's stories and she went on to tell me that not only has she written children's stories but she left her ex husband for her current husband and not only that her current husband left his ex wife for Tori...ex wife and young infant Amy told me.

Anyway I told Amy that was horrible to hear that. And she said "no it's ok, they're happy now, they weren't happy before."

Are our young people really this twisted now a days to think that it's ok to cheat on your spouse and leave them for no reason other then unhappiness? According to Amy there's no abuse or infidelity...they just weren't happy.

It just really saddened me to hear a young pre teen talk so carelessly about marriage. I know she doesn't know much and doesn't even realize what she's saying but has Hollywood glamorized infidelity so much that it's becoming accepted?

If your spouse isn't making you happy then you should cheat on them? So I should cheat on Sam if he doesn't clean the floor the way I want him too? Or he should cheat on me if I don't vacuum the carpet in two weeks? Should I leave my children when Nathan throws his temper tantrums (believe me those don't make me happy!) Or what about when Peyton doesn't sleep in her own bed! WHAT ARE OUR CHILDREN LEARNING???!!!!

My point is that we all go through periods of unhappiness and just because we got married doesn't mean people from the opposite sex are suddenly unattractive. But to think it's ok to cheat and to justify it is just sad and it's more sad to see that Amy thought nothing was wrong with it. I let her talk the whole time and I looked into her pretty young brown eyes and saw a certain innocence. She really thought what she was saying was fine.

Then I talked to her a little more and sadly found out that her home situation wasn't much different then the situation that she described with Tori Spelling and her husband. So since she was raised in it, it seems ok to her because that's what's normal to her. And even though this young lady is in church every week, she's still walking around thinking that this lifestyle acceptable.

My question is are we dropping the ball? I didn't quite know what to say to this young girl I'll admit because I never was in her situation and thankfully I'm not in it now at home. And I don't want to insult her or her mother (whoever she is, I've never actually met her). But at the same token I wanted her to know and understand how Christ views our sin. That even though we sin everyday - all of us, it's never acceptable whether we're in this type of situation or not. How do I speak to her about it or do I speak to her mother, or just take the time to get to know her better.

Well yesterday I chose just to let her talk and to listen. And I resolved to just get to know her better. I even told her to introduce me to her mother cause I'd like to meet her. And most importantly I'm going to pray for her and her family and God's guidance on dealing with these situations when they come up.

The Winner and Reigning Champion

If you notice, I haven't written anything in a few days. That's because I'm totally sleep deprived. Peyton's move isn't going so well. In fact it really isn't going at all. She's officially back in our room. Yes that's right, for right now she's the winner.

The first night I fought her hard. I'd lay her down and creep out of her room and about 20 minutes later I'd hear her wailing and I'd go back in. Please, don't leave me a bunch of comments about what the books say about doing this. I already know what the books say and in a way I don't agree with them. I might eventually have to let her cry it out and I'm not so against that idea, but since we recently just got her the crib she really hasn't spent much time in her room. It's a new place to her and I don't want to abandon her in there and just shut the door, not yet anyway. Yes I would love to have sleep and our bed back but I don't want to do it the wrong way and although I'm agonizing over this issue now it's really just a phase. Nathan's only 2 and I went through something similar getting him to sleep in his bed but honestly I can't remember the entire process now. Anyway I finally got her to sleep solid one time...only to have Nathan wake up with a serious nosebleed that required him to be dipped in the tub. So Sam gave him a bath at 4:00 in the morning and Peyton slept through that and woke up when Nathan was going back to sleep. I can't win!

Now we're taking a different approach and just trying to force her to nap in her room instead (another thing that isn't working). It was funny cause Sam's such a softy. I put her in there during the day to let her cry a little bit and get used to it. She was extremely sleepy yet she didn't want to sleep in her crib. She cried and wailed and I kept going in there to console her and then leave. Well Sam was working from home on Monday while I was doing this and took pity on her and said that we should go get her...I agreed with him although at 3 in the morning he's sleep when she's woke. I'm going to start playing with her in her room to get her used to being in there and we'll just take this one day at a time.

A really positive thing that's come out of this is that I get to rock her to sleep now. I used to rock Nathan all the time but I really haven't had the opportunity with Peyton. From the time she was born it's been me, her and Nathan while Sam's at work and when Sam's home I'd just fling her in our bed and she'd go right to sleep. Now Sam puts Nathan to sleep and I get to spend time rocking and feeding Peyton and it's been really great bonding time. She's such a sweet beautiful little girl and I just love this time with her. It's a very precious time that I'll never get back so I'm just cherishing it in my heart and trying to create memories. After she's fallen asleep in my arms I pull out my ipod and catch up on my "Focus on the Family" ministries. And I get devotional time as well. So the positive aspect is that I have that important bonding time with her and that quiet time with Christ.

I admit it

I know you're all probably wondering what happened last night with Peyton, but that's a long story I'm saving for a later post. Right now I have something that I need to get off of my chest.

I'm ashamed to admit this and to be honest I've been in denial for the last several weeks. Lately though I've been going through the acceptance phase. You know the new song 'Womanizer' by Britney Spears...well I love it! There I said it. Not only that but I find myself singing it a lot and yes I know some of the words. My favorite part is where she says "I got your crazy."

I'm not sure what kind of therapy I may need for this. Maybe someone has some suggestions...

The Exodus

So tonight's the night. Peyton will be leaving our bedroom to sleep in her own.

It's been a long time coming but now she's 6 months old and I feel she's ready. Her brother was in his room when he was 3 months old. Poor Nathan. I was so strict with him (and I don't regret it). I'd said that no child will sleep in the bed with me and Sam and with Nathan I meant it. He never liked his cradle and so he slept in his swing in our room until he was three months and then I moved him into his crib in his room.

Sure he fought it. But I won. At first he'd wake up several times at night and each time I'd rock him and put him back in his bed. One day he realized that he wasn't going to win this fight and gave up.

However, Peyton made a liar out of me and up until this time she's been sleeping in our room...in our bed. And you know what I don't regret it and neither does Sam. I used to force her to sleep in her cradle, but she'd wake up crying in the middle of the night and I'd have to grab her real quick because I didn't want her to wake up the household (especially Nathan). I didn't worry to much when Nathan used to cry because I could rock him and put him right back to sleep and so what if I didn't get much sleep that night cause I'm home anyway so I could just nap whenever he naps.

With Peyton it's not that simple. If she wakes him up then I'll have him crying in his room and her crying with me, and then Sam would probably want to get up and help but I don't want him sleepy at work the next day. So we let Peyton get away with murder.

And you should see her at night. We usually lay her down first and you can see her wiggling and settling into bed. When Sam lays down she'll turn her little face to him. It's kind of cute actually. But lately she's been getting too comfortable - spreading out and carrying on. So now Sam is off until the end of the month starting tomorrow and we've decided that it's time. Peyton's little bags are packed and she's outta here tonight!

Ashy Lips

I get asked by my friends why I always wear lipstick.

Well the main reason is because I love color on my lips. Also Sam enjoys the added color as well so I keep it on.

I also get asked if it's on all the time and if I sleep in it and the answer is yes. Partly because I wear Revlon color stay and you need makeup remover to get it off. Second is so I don't wake up and greet my husband with ashy lips.

You see Sam has an advantage on me. He's an early, early riser. Honestly, this man is up at 6 on the weekends even. I strive to be like the proverbs 31 woman myself but verse 15 disqualifies me where it says "15 She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day's work for her servant girls. " With two children under the age of two, I'm usually going to sleep around dawn. By the time I wake up, Sam's already been up, washed his face, brushed his teeth etc. Honestly in 6.5 years of marriage I've never seen his lips ashy or chapped and that's just wonderful. So I try to do the same and since he'll see me as soon as I wake up normally, then I at least have the lipstick part already taken care of. (The breath is handled pretty quickly as well.)

Now I may get teased for the constant lipstick wearing but I feel it's a strength in our marriage and may be why we're still trucking. People get divorced for many reasons, most being finances and children etc. But I bet if they were to trace it back, the root issue may have began with crusty, ashy, morning lips.

So I encourage women, even if you don't wear lipstick, keep chap stick or gloss at the bedside!

I'm telling!

Nathan loves playing with Peyton while she's in her bouncer. He'll play with the toys on it with her and she'll reach for him. It's kind of cute to watch. But I have to watch him closely because he loves touching her face (namely her eye). Anyway I stop him whenever he does this so he knows he's not allowed.

So Sam and I were eating dinner today as Nathan and Peyton played with the bouncer. All was going well when I got up from the table to go in the kitchen. All of a sudden Peyton screams at the top of her lungs and starts crying and I turn to see Nathan fleeing the crime scene. He had a look of pure terror on his little face and was running as quick as his toddler legs would carry him. Unfortunately he didn't make it too far, he was so busy getting away from Peyton that he fell as he was running...which generated tears from him. Sam was taking a bite out of his chicken when all of this transpired so he too failed to see what started the whole thing, however, we both came to the conclusion that Nathan was guilty of something, but neither one of us knows what that something was. So this is a secret that him and Peyton will share.

Needless to say we didn't discipline Nathan, the floor handled that part when he fell and whatever he did to Peyton didn't last long because she quit crying right when she got picked up.

But let the record show that today is the first day Nathan's little sister "told" on him.

Make me proud

I noticed when people talk to my children, they usually spend time trying to figure out what they should be when they grow up. I hear things like, "I hope Nathan becomes a doctor" or "Maybe she'll be a lawyer." It's actually fascinating because both of my children are under the age of two and even I, their mom, haven't taken much time to speculate on what I want them to be when they grow up. That may sound bad but really I haven't. I know what I don't want them to be, you know a drug dealer, prostitute, stripper to name a few but I haven't put much thought into what I want them to be yet. Maybe because they're still so little and I'm still caught up in diaper changes and late night feedings. Any other parent knows that when you're going through this stage it's kind of hard to see that far in the future. I have so many milestones that I haven't reached yet that it's just hard for me to look into their adult life. But I do pray for them often and I take it seriously when people tell me that it'll go by fast. I don't want it to - I'm actually in love with these baby and toddler years but the fact of the matter is they're going to grow up.

I mentioned that in an earlier post that the world relies and lifts up titles a lot and in a way that's not really a bad thing. I talk to many parents who'll tell me the dreams they have for their children and that's not a bad thing either I don't think. I remember as a young girl I wanted to be a brain surgeon, and an actress, and singer among many things. It changed all the time but the point was I wanted to be something.

Now I look at my children and I don't quite know what the future holds for them. I know Sam and I want to provide for them and guide them in every way we can and be there for them. I want them to make it in this world. And you know what's the heaviest burden I feel of all. How do I teach them to love Christ?

In reading and studying the Word of God I came across Mark 12:28:30

"28One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"
29"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'"

I know that there's often arguments over the interpretations of Bible verses but to me these are extremely clear. And when we think about the term "Love." How do we show our love for someone?

I know on this earth, there is no one I love more than my husband. I love my children to death too don't get it twisted but I'm a wife first, mother second. Anyway in saying that, I can't think of anything I wouldn't do for my husband. I really appreciate him and try to go out of my way to show him. I try to arrange our day so we'll get a little bit of time to ourselves (with two babies that's really hard, hence the word "try"). I'm here for him emotionally. I'll drop whatever I'm doing if he has an issue or really need to talk and if need be I'd give my life for him. That's true love in my opinion.

Now back to this Love that God commanded us to have for Him. I must admit, that I'm guilty of not loving Him as much as I'm supposed to. I sometimes go throughout my entire day without praying except at night. Sometimes the Bible doesn't get cracked for a week and unfortunately unless my life is in a crisis I forget to praise Him everyday for the wonderful things He's already done. What I'm trying to say is, I fall short on this command daily and I know that my words aren't going to be enough for my children. Who cares if I tell them everyday that they should love the Lord if they don't see Mama putting this love in action?

So it's something that's on my mind as I raise my children because I know that God entrusted them both to our care and it's not a responsibility that we take lightly. Maybe that's why I haven't put too much effort on what I want them to be. They can become that Doctor or Lawyer and yes I'd be proud. But if they become that and not accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, then what did they really accomplish? How will I feel one day bragging about my child's career knowing they haven't accepted Jesus Christ into their life?

I love John 14:6 that says: "6Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." I love it because I've accepted it, and I believe it. But that's me, it's a personal thing and I know that my children are going to be faced with the same choice one day.

So I'm trying not to worry about it because actually Jesus Christ was also clear about worrying. Matthew 6:23-32 told me:

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

And again I know people tend to question interpretations, but to me that's literal. He didn't give me an option when it comes to worry. He said don't do it. And God knew it'd be hard for us as humans not to do. How can you tell us not to worry when there's so much we can worry about? The economy is horrible, my children will have to go to school at some point, who knows what sicknesses may fall upon our family etc. How in the world can God give such a command? To be honest with you I know very few worry free people. My husband is one of them.

I'm telling you this man is the pillar of strength to me. I've never met anyone like him. I really can't think of any time I've ever seen him worried, even when I thought he should have been. That's why I'm so glad God chose him to be my husband and father of my children. He's not perfect but he does practice one thing and I'm learning it as well. To seek God in everything. Matthew 6:33-34 says: "33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

So I've decided to do just that. Seek God's will for Nathan and Peyton's lives. I'm sure God has a purpose for them and as a mom I want to seek God's purpose for them. Who knows, he may want them to become that Doctor or Lawyer and if He does then who knows how He'll use them in that position. But for now I am seeking God for them and for Sam and myself.

I need God's guidance on how to model this Christian walk in front of them. Children know if we're for real or not and they're watching or imitating. Just yesterday I watched Nathan try to put a garbage bag in the garbage can cause he sees Sam do it all the time. I always kiss Peyton and now she grabs my faces for kisses at just 6 months. So I know they're watching us, so what example am I giving them?

I often hear people say "She's just like her mother" or "He's just like his father" when referring to someone. It's funny cause they either say this about the most negative traits or the most positive ones. Or sometimes if it's a negative trait they'll say "I have no clue where he learned that." So one day Nathan and Peyton are going to be grown and no doubt they're going to take into adulthood our negative and positive traits, in other words they may begin look or sound like us. This concept is funny because I even see my husband doing some of the things his father does. He can't help it, he's just imitating things he saw (thankfully he had a wonderful example and I welcome these traits).

As a Christian I should be looking more and more like my Heavenly Father. Jesus provided lifesaving examples in the gospels. After I professed my love for Christ it doesn't stop there, now I'm going through the transformation of trying to look more and more like Him every single day. And I have to because my children are watching me. It's funny because I just heard on the radio recently that in many Christian homes children are leaving the faith. When polled it goes back to the examples they were taught in the home. Even children who went to church all the time are leaving because it wasn't for real when they got home. They see their parents gossip, holding grudges, cursing etc. Peyton and Nathan are watching me and God gave me a responsibility to be an example for them because in the end what I say isn't going to matter as much as what I do...that concept can be overwhelming and downright scary at times.

So I just pray that I take on these Christian traits because my children's most import decision has nothing to do with what grades they get in high school or college, or what career they choose. The most important decision they'll ever make is whether or not they open the door when Jesus knocks and nothing will make me prouder than that.

May I have this Dance...

So Sam and I decided to have a dance contest the other day. I don't know why exactly, I guess because we were watching "Stomp the Yard" on youtube and got inspired. So Sam found some Krump music on line and it was on!

We also let Nathan join us, at 23 months he's not that bad. Actually out of the three of us he probably had the most rhythm. I could see Sam and I aging because we both needed a lot of work. After about 20 minutes of dancing we were both pretty much exhausted. Nathan continued for about an hour as Peyton, Sam, and I looked on. It was a good time. I love to dance. Notice I didn't say that I could dance. I just said that I love to do it. I wasn't blessed with the natural rhythm it takes to make it as a dancer but I'll get up and dance in a minute if some music is on. I'll only retire when Nathan and Peyton are old enough to realize that mom is embarrassing them.

Introduction

Actually my sister-in-law's blog inspired me to do this (Thanks sis!) Maybe this will cut down on the gazillion emails I send a day.

I decided to give myself the title Home Engineer. I used to be a Project Manager in the workforce and when I quit on 12/1/06 I left that title behind and took on the role as full time wife and mother. Though that was extremely common in our Grandparents day and semi common in our parents day it's almost extinct now, due to a lot of reasons...mainly this horrible economy makes it hard to live on one income and some women love working etc.

Anyhow in doing so I quickly learned that when asked what you do for a living people expect some sort of esteemed title and unfortunatly homemaker usually isn't considered one in today's society. Although Sam and I are both happy and proud of what I do, I must admit it does get hard explaining over and over why we chose this path. So since most people care about and are impressed with titles even though they don't always know what those titles mean I decided to give myself one. Hence the title Home Engineer.

This blog isn't to give an opinion on whether women should work outside the home or not. That's a personal decision that should be made between a husband and wife. This is just to chronicle my life not only as a Home Engineer but as someone who left a career behind to do so.

I get a lot of questions on how life has changed and if there are any regrets. Some of you have asked if I miss work or if I get bored at home. So I'll answer those gladly. It's something I actually love talking about so I'll post what I go through regularly and also I'll keep you informed on how life is in the Murry household! I love feedback and don't mind the tough questions!

God Bless!