Homemaker

Ok I have a couple of friends who are Homemakers who are still getting beat up for their decisions. Even though some of you have been homemakers for awhile you still have to deal with the naysayers and have asked me how do I cope with it and also some have asked me some questions that I'll address as well. Well this blog entry is directed towards you and I hope it helps.



HOW DO YOU ANSWER THE NAYSAYERS

I don't. Don't waste time trying to justify or explain your decision. It's a waste of time. If you and your husband are confident with your decision then who cares what others have to say.



WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR SPARE TIME

LOL I don't have much spare time to be honest with you. When I get it, I really like to read or scrapbook or if Sam's home then I like to spend time with him. For my birthday Sam got a really good book for me it's called "In Praise of Stay-at-Home-Moms" I encourage you to read it. It deals with a lot of the questions I get asked all them time. And the author offers a lot of encouragement. Maybe it'll help if I put this in bullet points

• Also I like to go to the library. There's free classes there for that I've gotten Nathan and Peyton involved in.


• Also our local library has a "Toy Library" with over 5000 toys that I can rent out for three weeks. They're all sterilized and washed so I take advantage of that


• I LOVE going for walks. I'll throw the kids in the stroller in a minute and set out. We always go to very well populated areas for safety:-)


• Most towns have a Children's Museum and we're no stranger to ours.


• I also love staying home and inventing games. It's ok to be creative. I've made forts out of the kitchen chairs and a comforter. I've used plastic cups as "pins" and played bowling etc. I find it fun to get on the floor and just play with the kids.


• There's mom groups that you can google and join. One being "Mochoa Mom's" most of these groups have local chapters and I haven't joined any but heard of a lot of benefits from them.


• For Clevelanders visit clevelandkidsguide.com for more ideas


• Every evening I soak for an hour in the tub (that really rejuvenates me) and I can read for awhile.


• Once a month it's nice to go to dinner with one of my girlfriends.

DO YOU EVER GET BORED

Honestly hardly ever. If you're home you have certain freedoms. You may not get the lunch breaks etc that you'd get if you were working but you have the freedom to plan your day. If you want to go to the park then go. If you want to stay home then stay home. I actually have a white board up in my home and I plan out our activities. It helps me because I have certain goals every single day. And I'm flexible, if I don't get to something on my little list then who cares, I just move it back another day.

I STRUGGLE WITH TALKING TO KIDS ALL DAY

I don't struggle to much with this actually. I have people I can call if I want to but to be honest with you I only plan on make one or two phone calls a week. I don't particularly like taking time away from the children. I find if I'm on the phone for two hours then I have less time with them and although that happens and I like to keep in touch with people, I don't like making it a habit. So if I was on the phone on Monday, then I don't plan on being on it the next day.

HOW DO YOU FIND TIME TO GET THINGS DONE

Well first of all relax. Some things will get done and others won't and that's ok. I'm almost obsessed with making Sam and the kids comfortable but sometimes things don't get done. I've cleaned one room to move into the next only to hear Nathan emptying his toybox onto the floor of the room I just finished cleaning. I've learned to laugh at these situations and at times I just sit and join in the play.

Also get the kids involved. If you have toddlers then they'd love to "help" you, so let them. You may not get much done but you'll create some wonderful memories.
WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR STRUGGLES/CHALLENGES
Honestly since I've learned to quit letting peoples comments get to me I don't have too many. But I will tell you some of the things I used to deal with.
Hurtful Comments
It used to really hurt to hear people say "you're wasting your life" or "your missing out" or "I just can't do it" (that honestly is the dumbest comment of them all to me. I want to ask people "what can't you do?").
It used to hurt to hear people throw their positions in my face. And it was evident at about 15 months that my son was a late talker so that really opened up the flood gates for criticism and of course he's talking late because he's home with me...and that hurt because he's involved in everything and has always been around people and kids but still people for some reason assume if you're home you sit in this weird little bubble.
How did I deal with it?
Well my husband helped a lot in this area, reassuring me. And I remember too that sometimes hurt people, hurt people. The truth starts to come out if you listen to people. So I really learned not to take all comments to heart.
Also a friend of mine in Nathan's gymboree class who is a SAHM made a comment that just always stood out to me. She's a former engineer and she said about the career, "I've been there, done that, here's my life now" It was so simple and to be honest with you at the time we were just chatting not trying to cheer each other up or anything but that statement struck a cord. How can you miss something you've already done? I've had the career, I know what that's like already. I'm not "missing" anything.
And about my son he was examined by 7 different professionals (we went overboard with it I know) and one thing I asked each one is "is it because he wasn't in daycare or that he was around me too much." Every single one told me that being home with me was the best thing for him. So there ya go.
What about your children or husband not respecting you
Another common fear amongst SAHM. To be honest with you our marriage has flourished since I've been here. Sam LOVES it. As much as I love it he probably loves having me home more. Our lives are calm (well kind of calm, LOL I do have two toddlers so as calm as calm can be).
Was it hard leaving the workforce initially
Yes. Very, very hard. I'd worked hard to get my position and after years of working jobs I didn't like, I finally found a position I loved. Not only that but we were terrified of going to one income. This society is really set on a two income family and it almost seems like the only way to provide is if two people are working and the more stuff you have ties into happiness and if you go to one income you'll live like paupers etc. So that was hard and scary.
Also I worried about the comments. "She's going to do what??????!!!!!!" and the "When are you going back?"
What I didn't worry about surprisingly is if Sam would leave. I know that's a fear of many women but I just feel if that was my fear then I wouldn't have children with him. It's just crazy to me to work "in case of a divorce" and still have kids. If you feel that way I honestly think you shouldn't have children. That way if he leaves at least you're only responsible for yourself don't bring a child into the mix. I'd rather spend that time and energy investing it in my marriage.
I didn't worry about death although I'd be devastated to lose my husband, we already had policies so there wasn't a fear there.
I worried about boredom. What was I going to do. Who was I going to hang around with etc.
How did I deal with this?
It was a culture shock at first. And I did not deal with it good at first. I don't want this post to seem as if I had it all together because I cried many a day in the beginning.
I do remember though a particular hard day I was having with Nathan. He was a colicky baby and this particular day he'd cried three hours straight and I was ready to pull my hair out. Nothing I was doing was consoling him and I was actually supposed to go somewhere but because he was so worked up I had to cancel. He finally fell asleep on our bed and I laid next to him and I'll never forget instead of wanting to get away from him it was the day I remember being most grateful for being with him. As difficult as he was to deal with that day I was happy that I was the one dealing with him and not someone else and it just made it worth it at that moment.
As far as the income is concerned. In the beginning we hit some rough patches. I was used to eating out all the time and buying things on a whim and that had to stop. But to be honest I was just telling Sam yesterday that it seems like we have more. I don't have that minivan yet. But I do have two nice cars that are paid off. I still love our home and my needs and even some of my wants are provided for. I'm actually really content right now.
Boredom. Well I already addressed that, it really doesn't happen and too Sam is blessed to be able to work from home 2 days a week so that breaks up my week a lot having him home.
IN CLOSING: HELPFUL TIPS
Pray. I can't stress that enough. I set up my calendar to alert me every hour to remind me to say a quick prayer. I pray for my children, my husband, for strength and I pray for contentment, I give thanks etc. But pray without ceasing.
Sam got me hooked on Zig Ziglar, who is a Christian motivating speaker and I listen to him and he taught me something valuable. That is always start the day on the right foot and end on the right foot. I always make sure my children are greeted nice and warm in the morning. I never plan anything too early in the day because I don't like to set the day rushing. I like them to wake up slow and to be greeted because the way you start your day sets the tone. I also like to do the same at night.
Respect your husband and actually pray for ways to serve him. LOL I know it sounds old fashioned but some of you who are SAHM - your husband is really good friends with mine and I get to hear how much they love having you home and that's a blessing because all husbands don't support this. Sam looks for ways to make my life easier and it's so evident in the way he treats me and our family that I love to do the same for him. Remember our marriages come first and you and your spouse will be together long after the children leave. I encourage you to do something very nice for your spouse every single day of the week, make a point of it. If you know he needs his lunch packed, then pack it. etc. But show that man respect and watch how much he loves you in return.
Don't get into a battle of words with people. And don't down mothers who work either. You can't enter into anyone else's household just like they can't enter into yours so save your critical tongue and spirit. And learn to forgive those who's words have hurt you.
Rest when you can. I don't advise cleaning when the children are down (I know sometimes that's the only time). I say rest with them. You need to be as well rested as possible and that's so hard with children but if you can steal a few minutes to rest then do so.
Concentrate on making your house a home and enjoy it. Enjoy your children, they're only in your home for a very short season don't let it be marked by complaining or discontentment. You could be having that career you miss, but it's a catch 22 because then you'd be missing some of their growing up. So choose in your mind which one you'll rather focus on and get over the other and enjoy what you're doing!

Teach me how to Love

I just had one of the best Easter's ever.

I woke up at 4 am to my daughter "calling" me and wasn't able to fall back asleep after putting her down (stay with me it really was good).

After I laid back down I started to worry about frivolous stuff when at about 6 am I got a text from a friend saying "Happy Easter" and it just jolted me and my thoughts turned immediately and I began reflect heavily on the Resurrection. How years ago this time Christ was getting up and walking out of his grave. It really hit me hard for some reason yesterday and I was just in awe. I tried to imagine myself back there as a witness to this. Can you imagine? Being there to witness our Savior alive! What would it have been like to have seen his nail pierced hands! And I just couldn't fall back asleep. I then put on Redeemer by Crabb Family (my favorite song which I'll post above) and just really let myself think about the words and Christ.

Sam and I went back "home" for church services and it's an hour away and as we were driving I told him what I'd been up doing and we had a wonderful conversation. We talked about seeing Jesus one day, can you imagine! I asked him if he could imagine his reaction to seeing our Savior. We reflected on how as Christians we know this earth isn't our home we're just passing through. How we have so much to look forward to. It was a wonderful conversation. And one thing we really talked about is loving people. You know how Jesus said the two greatest commands are to Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and to Love your neighbor as yourself. He also told us as Christians to love one another. Something I truly struggle with at times and have written about it in the past.

And Sam is so wise, he's not much of a talker unless you know him (or if you're married to him of course;-) But when he does say stuff it's usually packed with wisdom and just ministers to me at the right time and I was asking him how come we as Chrstians struggle so much with the commandment to love each other. And he simply said because they struggle with the first one, to love God. It was such a simple statement but packed so much meaning. If you think about Christ and love Him truly with all of your heart do you realize it's actually hard to hate?

Happy Good Friday

I just wanted to add the below song because I love it so much. Enjoy!

Independent Part 2

First of all I really want to thank everyone who emailed me to weigh in on this subject. I didn't get any responses from guys. If I do then I'll add them later but the women really weighed in and I'll share some of those comments anonymously like promised.

And a lot of you put me in the hot seat telling me to answer my own question which I will do :-)

First of all I'll let you know where this topic came to mind. I just saw "Hell Date" for the first time not too long ago. LOL my cousin already informed me that this show is old and has been on for awhile, but I just heard of it and watched it on Joost.com. One thing that stood out to me though is when a woman was about to go out on a date she usually said something like "I'm an independent woman." And that just struck me as a funny way to describe oneself because I automatically take independent as meaning single, and since they're on the show to get a date why use that term, that's obvious to me. Then I heard one guy saying he wanted an independent woman so I said maybe there's more to this term then I realize and decided to open it up for discussion.

So here's my own answers to my questions:

1. What is an independent woman in your definition? (don't look up the definition to copy paste nothing either and please don't look it up to get ideas). A woman who is currently single. She stands independently and pays her own bills and takes care of herself. She doesn't answer to anyone. You'll notice the song I added above. I honestly think it only applies to single non married women.

2. Would you like to be with an independent man or a man that tells you he's independent? If a man is single then it's obvious he's independent or at least should be. So if he's spouting he's independent then I'd question if he would be good in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with him being independent when I meet him but as the relationship progresses and if were to ever get to the marriage point then I wouldn't want someone who's bent on staying independent. I'd feel if he wants to continue making his own decisions independently then he doesn't need me. Not saying he can't make them but in a marriage I believe in making most decisions jointly. (LOL now if he wants to buy a snapple I don't think we need to discuss what flavor)

3. Should you still be considered independent if you are married? No I believe married couples should be interdependent. If you have to stand on your own one day (after your spouse dies) only then you should become independent. Until then in a marriage I'd suggest depending on each other.

4. And is this a turn off or turn on for men? (I'd better not be seeing women answering this either LOL) I'm a woman not a man so I'd have to ask one:-)

I'll have more questions/answers in the coming months for you guys to participate in. I really appreciate everyone's answers and honesty. And everyone who wrote me is either a close friend or relative and I have much love and respect for all of you. As promised I'm going to post your comments in my comments section below (BOTTOM RIGHT click on COMMENTS). I don't want to open a can of worms of arguing. You have to remember these are all people's personal opinions and I won't let my comment section be used as a means to berate or belittle someone else as we all come from different backgrounds and experiences which may influence our answers. Nor will I provide you with the email addresses of someone you may disagree with :-)

Independent

Ok I'm not slamming the term but I'm wondering what do people mean when they say "I'm an independent woman."

I'm not against the saying per se, however, I notice a lot of women throw that around. And I looked up independent in the dictionary and it actually has several meanings.

So my questions are:

1. What is an independent woman in your definition? (don't look up the definition to copy paste nothing either and please don't look it up to get ideas)
2. Would you like to be with an independent man or a man that tells you he's independent?
3. Should you still be considered independent if you are married?
4. And is this a turn off or turn on for men? (I'd better not be seeing women answering this either LOL)

You can comment here or email me directly (LaToya_Murry@hotmail.com), but I'm curious. Feel free to send this link to as many people as you want to weigh in. I'll post my opinion next time along with your thoughts (what men say vs what the women say). Oh and everyone will remain anonymous.