What Happened?

A lot of you are to waiting to hear from me just to know what happened. What lead to Nathan being diagnosed with Cancer?

SATURDAY January 2, 2010

This is my day to sleep in. Sam came into the room with Nathan and they both had their coats on. He showed me a lump under Nathan's left ear. "Have you seen this?" I hadn't. He told me that he'd already called the doctor and that he was taking Nathan in.

I prayed because the lump looked really weird. It was huge and hard. Sam called me on the way from the doctors office saying that it was a severe ear infection and medicine was prescribed. The lump was from the infection pushing up against the ear drum causing fluid build up.

So Sam picks up the prescription and they come home. Nathan is still acting normal. Life continues.

THURSDAY January 7, 2010

Nathan had begun waking up during the night. Sam and I have never had an ear infection so we're figuring he'd been waking up from that. We talked to several people who told us they can be very painful and it just made sense.

I went into his room though early Thursday morning and it looked as though he had a stroke...it was very slight, I almost couldn't see it, but something was drooping, so I called Sam in to confirm and again the doctor was called.

Nathan was taken back to the doctor and diagnosed with Bell's Palsey. A condition where the face can become semi paralyzed due to an infection. Also his prescription was increased. We went home and of course I jumped on the internet because I'd never heard of this and I found it. Bell's Palsey can occur after an infection. Makes sense.

The new prescription given was supposed to be a 10 day prescription. I was told he should gradually begin to get better. We were told though that the Bell's Palsey would talk awhile to heal. A follow up appointment was made for January 19, 2010,

THE NEXT WEEK STARTS

Nathan slowly started acting worse. We were told that the prescription would knock out the ear infection and that we could give him tylenol for pain. The fussiness should begin to go down.

Again Sam and I have never had an ear infection and we talked to a lot of people who did that week and they said that they are excruitiating.

Over the next week Nathan quit sleeping. He quit eating. Actually he went in the cupboard and found some old baby food and begged for it and I gave it to him (I didn't even know it was in there). He was being potty trained and doing well at it but he quit wanting to do that.

TUESDAY January 12, 2010

Nathan was walking around the house begging to be carried crying almost constantly...It didn't make sense. Then he went and laid on the couch, something he NEVER does. So I called the doctor and they said to bring him in at 4:00 pm. I got off the phone and called Sam at work. While I was on the phone with Sam Nathan pops off the couch and starts walking around. Ok, I thought maybe I'm overreacting. I've never had an ear infection, maybe I should just wait until the follow up appointment. So I call back and cancel the appt.

WEDNESDAY January 13, 2010

Sam looks at Nathan late that night and questions the movement of his eye. Not sure but it looks like it's moving incorrectly on the side that has Bell's Palsey. Nathan has quit sleeping in his room and started sleeping in between us. His ear infection seemed so bad that we figured we'd let him sleep with us now and just break the habit later. It seemed to be helping him having him sleep in between us.

That night I give him some tylenol and we all go to bed.

THURSDAY January 14, 2010

Nathan is waking up every 20 minutes holding his head crying screaming "Help Baba!" Scares us half to death. We rock him and he's able to go back to sleep.

At 6:00 am we wake up (Sam's working from home this day) and we have a long talk. "Sam to me he's getting worse not better" Sam tells me "But by my understanding ear infections are pretty painful" I say "I know but I'm not comfortable" Sam says "Then we'll call again."

I call his doctor and he tells us to bring him in again, he may be resistent to the medication, which happens. So Sam takes him.

Sam said that when he got there the doctor checked his ear and said "that's funny, his ear infection actually looks better..." Sam told him about all of the personality changes we've been noticing. Then Sam said "Dr. get down in front of him and move in front of him so that his eyes follow you because it looks to us that his eye isn't moving correctly." The doctor does it and Sam said his entire demeanor changed. He said that has nothing to do with Bell's Palsey or an ear infection and he stepped out to make a few phone calls.

Sam was then sent to Marymount hospital for an emergency CT scan. He called me on the way and I started praying. After a horrible week and him saying what had happened so far, I knew in my gut that something was seriously wrong with Nathan.

About 2 hours later Sam called and said "what are you doing? Whatever it is drop it and meet me at Dr. Yeh's office right now, they found something on the CT scan" He said that the doctor doing the scan didn't even let it run for more than two minutes before he shut it down and called our doctor and then told Sam to go back to our pediatricians office because something was found.

I was hysterical. Literally. I called my neighbor and she sent her daughter to get Peyton and another little girl I was babysitting and I did 80 mph all the way to the doctors office.

When I got there the entire office was empty, cleared out for us. The receptionist sent me back to where our pediatrician was with Sam and Nathan. When I saw Sam I knew something was seriously wrong. My husband NEVER cries and tears were streaming.

Our doctor briefly explained that we were to go home and pack our bags and head out to University Hospitals where an Oncologist was waiting. ONCOLOGIST????? WHAT???? Why is an Oncologist waiting for us??? I started asking him what it was they found but he said that they didn't know other than it was a huge mass in his head. Everything else he said was a complete blur.

I remember walking out of that office crying, the receptionist grabbed me and hugged me but I didn't care.

I got in the care and called my father in tears and he said they were already on the highway.

My parents reached the house when we did and got Peyton, we packed quickly and went to the hospital.

We were admitted onto the pediatric Oncology floor.

FRIDAY January 15, 2010

Nathan is put to sleep to undergo an MRI and more detailed CT scan. Whatever this mass is, it's growing pretty fast.

We met a huge team of doctors etc. Cleveland may be known as one of the poorest cities in the country but it ranks at the top in medical care. One of the best pediatric neurosurgeon's in the world is at University Hospitals so as far as medical care went I knew we were in the best spot for this horrible situation...but I still didn't want to be here.

Later that night we sat with the Oncologist and met the Ear Nose Throat Surgeon and his team. A biopsy was going to be done in the morning on Nathan's mass and we had to be told about the risks.

The Oncologist then sat and talked to us. He told us, it's actually unethical for him to tell us this but based on the mass and the way it was pushing through Nathan's bone he's more than positive it's malignant. I broke down crying immediately. I didn't want to hear this!!!!! My son is three!!!!! Cancer!!!!!! This happens to other people! Not us! I planned this family! It's perfect! He has to be wrong!!!!

The doctor left to give us some time to digest this. When he came back he walked in with Dr. Barksdale...(Yes world renowned Dr. Barksdale). Our Oncologist introduced him to us. The reason why they were telling us tonight that they thought the tumor was malignant was because they wanted to move forward with putting in a metaport right after they did the biopsy. Dr Barksdale would do this. What they would do is take tissue samples and look under the microscope and if it was malignant they would put in the metaport (device used for chemo therapy). The reason they wanted to do this is because Nathan's mass was extremely aggressive and growing rapidly. Waiting to put in the metaport would delay chemotherapy. No matter what we had to wait until Tuesday January 19, 2010 when we got the exact name of the cancer but when they come back with a diagnosis they can immediately start chemo. If we wait on the metaport that would delay chemo because we would have to have surgery again to have the metaport put in. It was left up to us.

Believe it or not this was a hard decision for us. I knew before the biopsy that the tumor was malignant. Our Oncologist said he hopes he's wrong and we did too, but honestly I already knew in my gut he was right. But actually moving forward with a metaport was hard for me to accept. We felt like by saying yes we were accepting cancer before it was actually stated, so honestly we talked about this all night. In the end we decided to have the metaport put in. If this turned out to be cancer and if it was as bad as the doctors are saying then we'd rather not have chemo delayed by another surgery so we gave the doctors our consent to put in the metaport.

SATURDAY January 16, 2010

The morning of the biopsy. The Ear Nose Throat doctor came to talk to us before Nathan's surgery and showed us his MRI...

This mass is huge. So big that it's pushing everything in his head over to the right. When we got to the hospital one of the questions we were constantly asked was "how was Nathan breathing at home?" Now I understood why we kept being asked that. Another couple of weeks and he wouldn't have been breathing at all. EVERYTHING was being pushed over. They estimate the tumor hadn't been there long but it was growing fast which is why we saw such a change in his personality so quickly.

Nathan was then taken off to surgery. I started feeling sick. I went out into the hall and I just cried, I didn't care who saw me, it's like no one else existed. I just cried. The week, Nathan had fought me when getting his teeth brushed. I honestly thought it was a toddler being bad. It wasn't though. It was because it really really hurt him to have his teeth brushed. He had been in that amount of pain and I really as his mom didn't know it and that hurt me so bad. I'm supposed to protect him right? I'd made an appointment on Tuesday. Why did I cancel it???? I was inconsolable. Later on a nurse who'd passed me came and gave me a huge hug. She said she'd saw me earlier and didn't want to impose but she knew that I needed that...and I did.

After surgery Nathan was so weak. Our son is strong. He's tall for his age, handsome and he hardly ever gets sick. It was too much for Sam who cried again. I'm not used to seeing tears out of Sam, all of it was so overwhelming.

The Oncologist came and confirmed our worst fears. The Tumor in Nathan was malignant.

SUNDAY January 17, 2010

This was supposed to be a day of just waiting. But at three in the morning Nathan was up crying and I called his name from right in front of him but he wouldn't look at me. In fact it looked as if he was searching for me even though I was holding him. Sam and I called the doctors in and asked them if he was losing his sight, it'd never occurred to me before but suddenly it dawned on me that it was possible for Nathan to lose his sight and that scared me.

The doctors came in and said he could be acting that way because he was disoriented and on morphine but they weren't taking any chances and ordered an emergency CT scan at 4 am to make sure the tumore hadn't moved. There wasn't time to sedate Nathan for it and he did great. Thankfully the tumor hadn't grown.

Later that morning two Optometrist came to check Nathan's eyes. To make sure the left eye was still responding (his tumor is pushing against that nerve) and to make sure the right eye isn't being affected. So far everything checked out good. But he did tell me there is a possibility that Nathan could lose sight in his left eye.

MONDAY January 18, 2010

Nathan has to get a bone scan and a spinal tap as well as bone marrow taken to check and see if the cancer has spread. Also while he's sedated the Optometrist Oncologist is going to check his eyes.

TUESDAY January 19, 2010

Results day. Dr. Amma, Dr. Sterns, and Barb (NP) come in to tell us what kind of cancer Nathan has.

Rhabdomyosarcoma. A rare cancer that strikes only about 350 children a year, most commonlin children under the age of 6. This is a total nightmare. I began to feel so sick. I wanted to wake up. But I couldn't.

Survival rate is 65%. This isn't happening. Nathan's is in a spot that is inoperable. The plan is 43 weeks of chemo and 4 weeks of radiation. Prayerfully the radiation knocks it out or at least minimizes it so much that there's a chance to operate.

WEDNESDAY January 20, 2010

A Pet scan was done to determine if it's spread to any organs.

THURSDAY January 21, 2010

Nathan has his first day of Chemo therapy (from which he got really sick)

TODAY

And that's where we're at right now. Nathan has stage 3 Rhabdomyosarcoma. So far there isn't any evidence that it spread anywhere else, but it's in a very bad critical spot.

It's important to note that his pediatrician never mis diagnosed him in the beginning. Nathan DID have a severe ear infection, he DID have Bell's palsey and Sam and I count those two things as blessings in disguise, if that hadn't happened then who knows how much more this tumor would have grown before we caught it

So here we are. People ask how we are. Our three year old has cancer, we're horrible. It's hard to comprehend and it's hard to grasp. I'm learning what's important in life. We say we know, but trust me you really don't until that life is being compromised. Nothing else matters right now because my worst fears have already come true. Every other problem seems small right now. Nathan's speech problems...not such a big deal anymore. Half the time I don't even know what day it is. All the money in the world means nothing. I only want one thing and that's for our son to be healed. I want him to grow up and outlive me. I could care less about money, no matter how much, I don't care about a bigger house, a better school district. Absolutely nothing. I wouldn't be able to enjoy those things if Nathan isn't here to enjoy them with us.

Know this though, for those of you taking this hard as well. God is in control. Even though it may seem as if He's silent. He's in total control. No matter what He decides, whether He heals Nathan or not, He's still in control. He loves Nathan, more than Sam and I ever could and He hasn't left and He never will. I don't want anyone hearing our situation to start to doubt our faith or your faith in all of this. We serve a mighty God. Bad things happen on this earth and unfortunately they're going to continue to happen. If this hadn't happened to us it would've happened to someone else. And I'm learning there's a TON of Someone else's out there. Truthfully our son's situation can go one of two ways. But I do know that God is loving, He is gracious, He is Alpha and Omega and even though we don't understand all of this we do rest assured that He knows our pain (don't forget He watched His son suffer and die on the cross) and He hasn't left. No one enters into the Kingdom except through Him. God is the only one who can heal. We have a wonderful medical team and Cleveland leads the way with the nations best hospitals but even that doesn't matter if God decides not to heal Nathan. I pray He does. No one prays that more than Sam and I. No one wants to see our children grow up and live life more than us. But NO MATTER WHAT know that God is real, He loves us and He still hears.

God Bless

One Day

One day I swear I'm going to return every one's calls. One of my BFF's told me to just write for now. I honestly wish I could talk and some days it's easier than others but it's hard. I think I put up a good front. Not all of it is a front though, there's definitely some strength there but at times I'm really weak. Last night I came across a picture of Nathan, we were at Preston's Hope a park here in Cleveland and in the picture Nathan is walking into a big house that's on the playground. I took the picture from behind and his little arms are open and he's in mid stride and there's this big opening and he's heading in and I don't know why but for some reason I had a vision of him walking into glory and of course the tears began to flow and now when I cry it's horrible. I cry like I never have before. I can feel it in my stomach it's so painful. I went in the bathroom so I wouldn't disturb Sam and I just cried myself sick literally. I feel as if this is a nightmare. And I've gotten so many kind words and acts of kindness thrown our way but it doesn't help. I know God can fix this. I know He can heal Nathan and I know he could do it right away. So why is He stalling? I don't know. I still trust Him. Honestly I have no where else to go but to Him and that's where I've been. Begging God to spare our child. I literally pleaded with Him not to take Nathan's life. Honestly a car accident would be better than this. I've watched Nathan suffer so much already. They have to put him to sleep everytime they do a lot of CT scans and MRI's because he's too young to understand not to move. Have you ever seen anyone put your child under? Every see your child go from screaming to crying to just floppy limp? Have you ever seen your kid have out of it calling for his Dad? Have you ever had to send your baby away over and over into the hands of strangers, knowing they're going to be probing him etc and you can't go in to protect them.

To do the CT Scan to measure for radiation they had to put Nathan asleep and bolt his head to the table...literally. They do it with a mesh facial mask that they wet in water and quickly put on your face to mold it to the shape of your face. They do this because when they get radiation, they absolutely cannot move so he'll be put under to get the radiation that will last everyday for 4 weeks starting feb. 15. We were in there when they put the first facial mask over his face and they closed his mouth and were molding the mask but he had been breathing out of his mouth instead of his nose so the Doctor in the room had to quickly have them unbolt the mask because his oxygen level went down. I was so thankful for that doctor. Have you ever had to give your child an injection? It hurts enough to watch the doctor do it but imagine giving a 3 year old a shot every single day.

Some people have suggested I talk to someone... well talk to who? Some specialist who've never experienced having a sick child? I don't think so. Maybe in the future I'll talk to someone but not now.

I want to scream over and over but I can't, it's not helping. My child has changed, he's sick and it's almost like he's sad. I just got off the phone with my husband who said that he's calling the doctor because he still feels like they're missing something. He said even if we have to bring him back today he wants him looked at. So I'm here getting our clothes ready. I hate life right now. I want to love it but I can't if our child isn't well.

I hate to sound like I'm contradicting my last post but get used to inconsistencies if you're reading this. Some days are OK and some are horrible.

Ever Need a Break?

Seriously I needed one today. It has just been one of those days where you feel so much pressure. I just wanted to go into the basement to scream at the top of my lungs to release some and I honestly would've but I didn't want to scare my babies either so I just held it in. But seriously I need a break. I need a spa day or something, or a date with the hubby would be really nice right now. Just thinking out loud...

Nannies

I was at my son's gymboree class last week and had an interesting conversation with a Nanny. Now being a stay at home mom, I meet a ton of different people as I'm out with my children. I have Nathan and Peyton involved in several things and coming across a child and his/her nanny isn't uncommon though to me it still strikes me as weird.

A nanny is a lot more than a baby sitter and when I'm out I do run into children and their babysitters as well, they're pretty easy to spot. A child and a nanny isn't (unless of course the nationalities are different). But they're very hard to spot because most times you'd just assume the child was with their mommy.

And I must admit I'm extremely jealous of some of these Nannies. I had a long conversation with one named Lindsey last Thursday. Ironically she was from my husband's hometown and though she was 4 years younger than me and had no children of her own, she had a ton of experience and gave me the best advice on potty training I'd ever gotten. Seriously no mother has ever given me methods such as hers. She's potty trained three and she attended Alexandria School in Solon, OH. She's already been a nanny to twins in Canada, as well as the family she's currently with now. The perks of her job are phenomenal. Not only is her salary higher than I'd guess most people's are, but it also comes with room and board and a car. When she becomes a mother to her own children, I can just imagine the experience she's going to bring to the table.

But the thing that saddened me and I point blank asked her is "aren't you technically raising the children yourself?" The answer obviously is yes. Right now she's a nanny to a family of two attourney's. It's obvious the little girls parents are very successful, though I see they're missing so much they can't get back to chase something for a child who could care less... Am I saying one of the parents should stay home? Not necessarily, but I am saying they should have a little more time for their child. When it gets to the point that the nanny is attending classes, and baseball games, and spelling bees instead of of mommy or daddy, then I think some priorities need adjusting. I do remember when I used to work I met with one of the executives, named Tom and he gave my team the best bit of advice ever. You can get your job back but not time with your family. Tom had a strict rule, no anything after 4:00 - meetings, phone calls, etc. After 4 he went home and this particular day he had to be at a ball game for his niece so he wasn't about to let the meeting run over. And he reported directly to the CEO and had an office overlooking the browns stadium yet he always said it didn't compare to family.

You see some people have this concept down. Yet others and I'm sad to say, especially women struggle in this area horribly. If someone else is literally raising your child in this way, then I think maybe priorities should be question. Not all but some nannies are paid so well that it's obviously a very important job. Most nanny position require the nanny to enter into a 1 to 2 year contract so that the child has some normalcy. Nannies are required to work at least 16 to 18 hours a day and do some of the house hold cleaning. They're also responsible for teaching the child manners, and basic things about life etc.

I think women need to check themselves. Nannies no matter how fantastic can't replace the love of a mother and father. Quit letting someone else enjoy our children.

I read an interesting quote in a community on circle of moms:

"while I was in college I was a summer Nanny for families in Chicago and I saw how much my little charges missed they're Moms and Dads who sometimes only spent a few hours a week with them. Yes some of these kids got everything they wanted financially and they weren't starving for food but some were starving for Mommy and Daddy's attention and Love. because lets face it no matter how much I gave them I wasn't there Mom."

Good Hair...

Ok this post is directed more at African/African American women...but of course anyone can read and comment. I just say that because they're probably the only ones who will understand it.



Recently I've been hearing a lot of buzz over the term "good hair" again. I know this term has never left our speech as African Americans, but for some reason I'm hearing it more now. Especially since I have a daughter of my own.

So what is "good hair"? Unfortunately the term is just as negative as the word nigger. "Good Hair" when said by a black person, means hair that is naturally straight, or like a white persons.

Every little black girl is going to deal with this at some point in her life. It's inevitable. I remember in first grade my best friend Shelly was white, with the prettiest, long, blond hair I'd ever seen. And for the life of me I couldn't understand why my hair wasn't like hers. I remember begging my mom to be able to wear my hair down instead of in pigtails and just didn't understand why I couldn't. It didn't help that my mom had what blacks consider to be "good hair". As a little girl I remember my mother being able to wash and dry her hair and not have to go through the straightening, relaxing, and flat ironing etc. And it was extremely thick and beautiful...but mine though thick, was different.

For the longest I was the only black girl in my gymnastics class. By that time my mother used to straighten my hair but of course gymnastics in the summer equals sweating and I'd "sweat my hair out" so the straightening job wouldn't last. It was hard because on the days of our gymnastics meets my coach would want us to look uniform, but I couldn't wear the hairstyles my teammates wore so again I'd look different. Alot of the hair clips they wanted to wear I couldn't wear and that was hard. Though I did used to get a lot of compliments on my hair which helped. But as a black girl it wasn't as easy to just fling my hair into a pony tail. It needed to be "done".

Also swimming in high school sucked. I took swimming lessons as a child so I knew how to swim and didn't see the point in swimming in junior high and high school. You're only given 10 minutes after getting out of the pool to get dressed and get to your next classes. You could always tell the swim weeks in high school, because unless a black girl had braids in her hair or really short hair, then it just looked a mess for those two weeks...

Growing up I had a lot of family members with naturally straight hair so I was around it a lot. I also had some friends with naturally straight hair or hair that didn't require a perm or a straightening comb to be straight. LOL I've also come across a ton of people who claim to have naturally straight hair....that's a whole other post for a whole other day.

The term "good hair" was a curse word in our home. Although my mother's hair was naturally straight she never let me believe mine wasn't just as beautiful and she spent a lot of time learning how to do my hair. She had to learn how to use a straightening comb, etc. and she worked hard at it. She also took the time to find hair dressers who were able to do my hair.

I don't remember the exact time that I grew out of wanting hair that was different than mine, but somewhere along the line I came to not only, like, but love my hair. I could braid it and I could go from straight hair to extremely curly (with the help of a few rollers), my hair is thick and I learned what I needed to do to help it grow etc. It may have been the huge rise in the hip hop culture that helped me appreciate my hair more or maybe it was reaching another level of maturity, I don't know, but I do know that now I absolutely love my hair and I feel my hair is perfect for me.

Now I have a daughter. I was soooo happy when I found out I was having a little girl, but having a child reveals again just how many obstacles we as a people still have to overcome. Believe it or not when my children were born I had people watching them closely to see if they were going to "darken up" or not. I could care LESS what complexion my children were but others around me were so picky about it. Also my daughter especially was watched to see what her hair was going to do. And a lot of black people do not believe in cutting their boys hair the first year. There's absolutely no reason not to, and if you ask ten different black people, you'll get ten different reasons as to why you're not supposed to cut it, but the main reason I hear is you'll mess up the texture...

My daughters hair is beautiful and I love it. I love coming up with ways to do it and I LOVE putting bows in her hair...though I do know one day I'm going to have to explain to her why hers is...different. Why it takes a little work to get a comb through, why she can't just "wash and go" etc. And not only that I'm going to have to teach her how to love hers. I don't know if this is as big a deal with African American boys. My husband and I had a long discussion about this the other day and I don't believe it is from what we discussed so I don't worry about my son as much but with my daughter I know it's going to be an issue.

Now my parents did a WONDERFUL job of explaining it to us. And not only that my parents were adamant about making sure we were in places and around people who looked like us. To some people that sounds prejudice but it's not. We were in a mixed neighborhood and always went to mixed schools. I don't think it's prejudice to want your kids around your race, I think racism comes in when you don't want your kids around any other race but theirs. That's the difference. My parents just made a point in making sure we were not the minorities in our environment. Now I know what you're going to say "if it wasn't for the Little Rock Nineand other trailblazers we wouldn't have the right to go to schools so maybe it was a bad idea for my parents not to make trailblazers out of us"...to that I say don't forget we were born in the 70s...we already had those freedoms to go where we want the trailblazers came before us. My parents had us in mixed environments for a reason. We were allowed to befriend whomever we wanted. But when I had questions or issues with my pigtails, I wasn't the ONLY girl in my church, or school with pigtails. I didn't stick out like a sore thumb. My best friend happened to be white but still there were people there who looked like me and had hair like mine and I really applaud them for making an effort to put me in situations that I could not only learn about people who didn't look like me but also have people around who did look like me. And I was the only black in my gymnastics class as I mentioned above and that's mainly because gymnastics, like golf, and tennis have few blacks in them to begin with, and I had a wonderful coach and made a lot of great friends (some of whom still remember my afro puffs to this day:-)

Peyton one day is going to question her hair, she's going to wonder why her friends of other nationalities can wash their hair everyday, yet she cannot or it will damage her hair. I used to go to a salon where there were white and black hair dressers, and one lady approached me, she was white and we had a wonderful conversation and she said she never realized until she started working at that salon just how much it took to do a black woman's hair. Seriously a white hairdresser will do about 6 people's heads to every 1 black customer. She said she was blown away to witness it and and she loved learning about it (of course there are a ton of white hairdressers out there that know how to style African Americans hair).

As mom I might take a different approach with her. I'm very protective of both of my children although some things they're still going to have to learn on their own but I protect them whenever I can. In talking to Sam the other day I told him that I don't know how to do my natural hair. Seriously I've been straightening my hair and getting relaxers for so long that if I were to go back to my natural hair, I honestly wouldn't know what to do with it. And believe it or not, many black hairdressers don't know how to style natural African/African American hair either. It's not that I'm not proud of my hair, but seriously I only know how to style it with perms and relaxers...it's just all I know. I think I'm going to teach Peyton different. I want her to have pride in her natural hair, and I want to learn how to do it. If she gets a little older and want a relaxer or wants it straightened then I have no problem with that either, but in the meantime I want her to know that her hair is "good" and beautiful and absolutely perfect. I tell her that when I'm combing it. I want her to love and appreciate it. I want her to love everything about her self and improve the things she can improve but appreciate and love how God made her as an African American woman. And to be honest with you that's another beauty in our hair. We can go from Natural, to straighten, to a relaxer, to a jerry curl (if you really want to go back there lol), to curly, to braids, to an afro etc...and I'm proud of that and I want Peyt to be proud of that too.

*Please don't take this post to mean that African/African American women are the only ones with hair issues. I'm not saying that. I'm just writing about my hair and what I can relate to :-)

Being the best

I saw a report on Beyonce the other day. I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan, though I'd be outright lying if I denied liking some of her music. The girl's got talent and recently Forbes named her the Highest paid star under 30. Which is a pretty huge accomplishment. That made me go on Youtube and look her up. I wanted to see a biography on her. I'm curious when I hear about people being the best in their field. There's a ton of singers, entrepreneurs, actors, actresses, doctors, teachers etc. But few ever are recognized for being the best. That seems hard to do and when I see someone deemed the best in their field I'm always curious about their work ethic.

So anyway I found a biography on Beyonce that was actually quite interesting and very quickly came to realize why she entered a very competitive field and was able to surpass so many people who were already in it and ultimately dominate it. The music industry already had their envogues, TLC, Allure (if you can remember them), 3LW etc. All these different girl groups. So what made Destiny's Child the best? One person and that was having Beyonce in the group. Also having Matthew and Tina as parents.

The Biography report had her old Destiny Child members on talking about her as well as her parents. And something they said struck me. Beyonce is probably the hardest working woman in show business and she was always thinking outside of the box. One of the members said she'd come up with stuff for them to do, routines if you will, before going out on stage and it'd be something so incredibly outrageous but when they performed it...well it worked. After leaving Destiny's Child she went on to be the number one female entertainer.

I can't leave her parents out. He father quit his high paying job as a sales person to manage the group and his wife said that for awhile he seemed almost obsessed with the girls singing group. After Beyonces group lost on Star Search he asked Ed McMahn for advice.

I know you're wondering why am I writing so much about Beyonce, especially since I already said I'm not a huge fan per se. And I know you may feel what I'm saying about her may contradict some of my earlier post regarding music etc. But I guess her life intrigued me. Not because I care about stardom and I really don't want my children in that industry but it intrigued me because as children of God we should strive to be the best in whatever we do. And our motivation should be to please Christ.

I was just convicted when watching it because I can be better at so many things yet laziness sometimes holds me back. I know I can blame it on being tired, with two children, blah, blah blah. But sometimes that's not it. Just plain old laziness. People who succeed in life are hard workers. Period. And even when they run into rough situations that seem impossible to get over they still figure out away to make it through. They don't give up. Ed McMahn told Beyonces Dad something interesting. He said believe it or not the people who were the most successful are the people who lost on star search. He said rarely do the winners go on to be anything, but rather the losers have a better chance. Interesting. He said those people if they choose not to give up, analyze their performance and figure out how to do it better and that makes a difference in their success.

So anyway it was interesting. Beyonce's living her dream because of her hard work. Everyone's dream job is different. I never knew this would be it to be honest with you but I find being a homemaker exciting and I always want to be the best at what I do and I've said in the past I want to be the best at loving the Lord, being a Godly wife and a good mother. I put a lot of focus on my marriage and a huge focus on motherhood. There's so much going on now as the children are growing so fast. Nathan's language is progressing and I'm so proud of him. Peyton is starting to use words and she knows sign language and she's working on her walking. I set goals for myself and the children all the time. Right now one of my main goals is to continue to move the children forward, especially in the areas that need the most attention. I try to come up with new and creative ways to teach Nathan and Peyton things. I'm really interested in their personalities and how they learn. There's going to be tons of mistakes along the way but I still want to be the best wife and mother I can be for my family :-)

So worth it

I wake up a hour before Peyton, then she wakes up an hour before Nathan. During that time we cuddle and say quick prayers. Then Nathan wakes up full of energy usually and his hugs are tight with a rough edge and thus begins our day. The children are feeling better so their activities have increased. It's summer so a lot of the neighborhood kids are outside playing.

I'm just so thankful right now. I love being home. I was walking around the zoo yesterday, thanking God and thanking Sam for being so appreciative of this arrangement. The day before we went to a kiddie park and had a wonderful time.

Even when Peyton was in the hospital I was thankful to be able to be there myself. I love being home. Even right now it's 9:50 and I'm letting the children sleep in. Peyton's usually up at 8 so I'm guessing she's pretty tired ;-). The windows are open and the birds are chirping. My storms have passed it's 80 degrees. It's so nice to plan the day. I keep activites planned for the children but if we get to them fine - if not - oh well.

I'm in love with being home full time and as time progress and the children grow, my love for being here grows as well. I love watching them discover new things, and taking them on trips. I love researching online- finding new places and things to stimulate them. I love putting them down for naps and greeting Sam after he gets off.

I love being able to console the children at night, knowing the next day we can just relax if we haven't gotten the proper sleep. I love it. This post is more so directed at the mother's or new mothers contiplating leaving work or staying at home with your new baby. You always hear the negatives but not the postives. If you have to work then don't beat youself up over that but if there's a possibility of staying home and you're hesitant or scared-don't be. It's a transition and in the beginning it may be rough, but it's so worth it if you can.

I hear Peyton waking up "talking" so I have to go :-)



-- Post From My iPhone

Pleasantly Quiet

Have you ever reassured someone that everything's going to be ok? Is it just me or is it always easier to say those words when you're not the one in the actual sitaution. I know we mean well but sometimes those words or variations of it aren't helpful.

My son's speech is delayed. He's extremely bright. If you show him something once he gets it. He imitates everything and he's so loving. He's my angel- my firstborn and only boy(so far;-). I remember when I was pregnant with our daughter my biggest fear was that I wouldn't be able to love her as much as Nathan. (I do love her as much, but it was a fear during her pregnancy that thankfully didn't come true). Nathan is a fantastic big brother as well.

I've been blessed to spend a ton of time with Nathan and I really know him. When it started becoming evident that his speech was delayed I became extremely fearful of autism since one of the signs is delayed speech. Sam and I went overboard and had him examined 7 times by 7 different professionals to rule it out. I even did my own intensive study to rule it out by researching and digging up videos of autistc toddlers to watch their behaviors and I too came to the conclusion that it's definitely nothing more then a speech delay.

I'm not going to go into intricate details of Nathan's actions and I no longer take or answer questions of what he can or cannot do. Nor will I address treatment because I do want to respect my son and keep some things personal.

But it has been a trying year for everyone. Compared to what a lot of other people are going through a speech delay isn't a big deal. And through this experience God has blessed us with a wonderful Pediatrician whose own son didn't speak until he was three, a neighbor who's son didn't talk until he was three and a cousin whose son had a speech delay as well and it's really helped me to talk to all of them. A lot of other people have been supportive too but sometimes the best help comes from people who have been through what you're going through.

There's been a few negative things said and to be honest with you when I first started writing this post the goal in mind was to vent a little, but for some reason it's just not worth writing anymore.

God blessed us with our children. And to be honest with you even on the hardest day I wouldn't trade them ;-). Just one of the joys of motherhood.


-- Post From My iPhone

Joy

I'm experiencing one of the greatest joys in life, having my daughter sleep on my chest, while listening to her calm even breathing. I swear life doesn't get much better than this :0)

Mother's Day

Wow! What a wonderful day. First off over the last few days I was able to listen to some of the most amazing sermons on Moody radio. I think I mentioned before that my favorite woman in the Bible is Hannah. I can't wait to meet her someday. She's inspired me so much that our daughter's middle name is Hannah. But I heard some wonderful sermons on her over the last few days and her story never ceases to inspire me.

I woke up to a wrapped gift at my feet. Sam had been sick all week and he knows I'm not picky on receiving gifts yet, him and Peyton set out early this morning to get me a printer and some decorative scissors! It was perfect, he'd gotten me a photo printer a few months earlier and after printing one set of photos our 2 year old broke it. I hadn't complained and I'd just received a coupon from Archiver's to get several free prints so I figured I'd just get those for now. But Sam is amazing and so attentive and surprised me with this and it was totally unexpected.

I've been journaling for so many years and just started scrapbooking recently and I'm noticing it can be a really expensive hobby (as I can imagine any hobby can be). But I've noticed over the last few months that Sam has gone out of his way to get me what I not only need but want so I can continue doing this. So the printer and the scissors were extra special.

And he knows how much I love hearing Mother's Day sermons and was all ready to go to church but since he's been so sick and we'd just spent the day before with our mother's I told him I'd rather stay in so he could rest and we did.

It was a wonderful day surrounded by the three people who mean the most to me. I love being Sam's wife and love being Nathan and Peyton's mother.


-- Post From My iPhone

How Am I Doing?

You know I'll be perfectly honest, I feel kind of low right now. There's only three things in life I truly care about:

1. Loving and honoring Christ
2. Respecting my husband
3. Loving and caring for my children

And to be honest with you that's it. I have hobbies that I love but they have very little value. I love scrapbooking and journaling to name a few but again it's level of importance isn't that high.

I honestly can care less if I'm told I suck at sewing (which I do by the way). My decorating skills need work and I'm not going to win any awards for cooking. But please don't label me a failure in the three categories I listed above. But lately I've been struggling in the third category.

I'd heard of guilt in motherhood but didn't realize it'd be so hard. I'll just give you an example:

Today my son and I went to McDonald's for lunch and playtime (you know on those climby things they have) anyway he went up and stayed on the top and honestly he was having a good time and there were two little girls there. There was a weird climby thing on one side and a tunnel slide on the other and he LOVES slides but he's only gone down tunnel slides a few times and if my son isn't familiar with something he won't try it. The little girls kept going down but he probably figured they're crazy and he wouldn't do it, anyway it came time to leave and I had to go up and get him (yes I really went in there) and when I reached him he threw a horrible tantrum, kicking, screaming the works so I spanked him right there on the spot. It was at the top of the tunnel thing and I'm already way to big to be up there and time out wasn't an option nor was "waiting out the tantrum". So he got spanked and shoved down the slide which he ended up loving and wanted to go back up in. But he couldn't cause we really had to go.

I looked at his tear stained face in the rear view mirror questioning if I could've handled the situation differently. I know why he was up there he was stuck not being bad, the spanking was for the fall out he had when I came up. I'm all for a spanking but I'd rather not spank in public I care about my child's feelings especially when others are around but I don't know what else I could've done in the situation and my son's pitiful tear streaked face is etched in my mind for some reason. And please don't email me or comment on how the situation could've better been handled or how spankings are wrong in your opinion etc. I kid you not I really feel sad over the incident and don't feel like being taken lower, it was supposed to be a fun day and though he needed disciplined I would've rather both of us remembered it for a great time.

I've been told to expect many more days like today in the future and that's fine but how do I deal with this "mother's guilt" I guess you call it.

There's other things I could write about like this. I could fill a book already. With Mother's Day approaching a program I listen to "revive our hearts" allow listeners to call in and express their thanks to their mothers. And to hear what some people say is amazing. Some are in tears as they pay tribute to their mothers. And every year I pray that my children will one day consider me worthy of such recognition.

I don't desire to be perfect. I made to many mistakes already and especially with the teenage years coming I may not always be liked. I have no desire to be a friend. I want to be their mom. I want them to know three things:

1. I love my Lord
2. I respect and deeply love their father
3. I so very much love them and want what's best for them

But right now I'm really not sure how I'm doing.

-- Post From My iPhone

Homemaker

Ok I have a couple of friends who are Homemakers who are still getting beat up for their decisions. Even though some of you have been homemakers for awhile you still have to deal with the naysayers and have asked me how do I cope with it and also some have asked me some questions that I'll address as well. Well this blog entry is directed towards you and I hope it helps.



HOW DO YOU ANSWER THE NAYSAYERS

I don't. Don't waste time trying to justify or explain your decision. It's a waste of time. If you and your husband are confident with your decision then who cares what others have to say.



WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR SPARE TIME

LOL I don't have much spare time to be honest with you. When I get it, I really like to read or scrapbook or if Sam's home then I like to spend time with him. For my birthday Sam got a really good book for me it's called "In Praise of Stay-at-Home-Moms" I encourage you to read it. It deals with a lot of the questions I get asked all them time. And the author offers a lot of encouragement. Maybe it'll help if I put this in bullet points

• Also I like to go to the library. There's free classes there for that I've gotten Nathan and Peyton involved in.


• Also our local library has a "Toy Library" with over 5000 toys that I can rent out for three weeks. They're all sterilized and washed so I take advantage of that


• I LOVE going for walks. I'll throw the kids in the stroller in a minute and set out. We always go to very well populated areas for safety:-)


• Most towns have a Children's Museum and we're no stranger to ours.


• I also love staying home and inventing games. It's ok to be creative. I've made forts out of the kitchen chairs and a comforter. I've used plastic cups as "pins" and played bowling etc. I find it fun to get on the floor and just play with the kids.


• There's mom groups that you can google and join. One being "Mochoa Mom's" most of these groups have local chapters and I haven't joined any but heard of a lot of benefits from them.


• For Clevelanders visit clevelandkidsguide.com for more ideas


• Every evening I soak for an hour in the tub (that really rejuvenates me) and I can read for awhile.


• Once a month it's nice to go to dinner with one of my girlfriends.

DO YOU EVER GET BORED

Honestly hardly ever. If you're home you have certain freedoms. You may not get the lunch breaks etc that you'd get if you were working but you have the freedom to plan your day. If you want to go to the park then go. If you want to stay home then stay home. I actually have a white board up in my home and I plan out our activities. It helps me because I have certain goals every single day. And I'm flexible, if I don't get to something on my little list then who cares, I just move it back another day.

I STRUGGLE WITH TALKING TO KIDS ALL DAY

I don't struggle to much with this actually. I have people I can call if I want to but to be honest with you I only plan on make one or two phone calls a week. I don't particularly like taking time away from the children. I find if I'm on the phone for two hours then I have less time with them and although that happens and I like to keep in touch with people, I don't like making it a habit. So if I was on the phone on Monday, then I don't plan on being on it the next day.

HOW DO YOU FIND TIME TO GET THINGS DONE

Well first of all relax. Some things will get done and others won't and that's ok. I'm almost obsessed with making Sam and the kids comfortable but sometimes things don't get done. I've cleaned one room to move into the next only to hear Nathan emptying his toybox onto the floor of the room I just finished cleaning. I've learned to laugh at these situations and at times I just sit and join in the play.

Also get the kids involved. If you have toddlers then they'd love to "help" you, so let them. You may not get much done but you'll create some wonderful memories.
WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR STRUGGLES/CHALLENGES
Honestly since I've learned to quit letting peoples comments get to me I don't have too many. But I will tell you some of the things I used to deal with.
Hurtful Comments
It used to really hurt to hear people say "you're wasting your life" or "your missing out" or "I just can't do it" (that honestly is the dumbest comment of them all to me. I want to ask people "what can't you do?").
It used to hurt to hear people throw their positions in my face. And it was evident at about 15 months that my son was a late talker so that really opened up the flood gates for criticism and of course he's talking late because he's home with me...and that hurt because he's involved in everything and has always been around people and kids but still people for some reason assume if you're home you sit in this weird little bubble.
How did I deal with it?
Well my husband helped a lot in this area, reassuring me. And I remember too that sometimes hurt people, hurt people. The truth starts to come out if you listen to people. So I really learned not to take all comments to heart.
Also a friend of mine in Nathan's gymboree class who is a SAHM made a comment that just always stood out to me. She's a former engineer and she said about the career, "I've been there, done that, here's my life now" It was so simple and to be honest with you at the time we were just chatting not trying to cheer each other up or anything but that statement struck a cord. How can you miss something you've already done? I've had the career, I know what that's like already. I'm not "missing" anything.
And about my son he was examined by 7 different professionals (we went overboard with it I know) and one thing I asked each one is "is it because he wasn't in daycare or that he was around me too much." Every single one told me that being home with me was the best thing for him. So there ya go.
What about your children or husband not respecting you
Another common fear amongst SAHM. To be honest with you our marriage has flourished since I've been here. Sam LOVES it. As much as I love it he probably loves having me home more. Our lives are calm (well kind of calm, LOL I do have two toddlers so as calm as calm can be).
Was it hard leaving the workforce initially
Yes. Very, very hard. I'd worked hard to get my position and after years of working jobs I didn't like, I finally found a position I loved. Not only that but we were terrified of going to one income. This society is really set on a two income family and it almost seems like the only way to provide is if two people are working and the more stuff you have ties into happiness and if you go to one income you'll live like paupers etc. So that was hard and scary.
Also I worried about the comments. "She's going to do what??????!!!!!!" and the "When are you going back?"
What I didn't worry about surprisingly is if Sam would leave. I know that's a fear of many women but I just feel if that was my fear then I wouldn't have children with him. It's just crazy to me to work "in case of a divorce" and still have kids. If you feel that way I honestly think you shouldn't have children. That way if he leaves at least you're only responsible for yourself don't bring a child into the mix. I'd rather spend that time and energy investing it in my marriage.
I didn't worry about death although I'd be devastated to lose my husband, we already had policies so there wasn't a fear there.
I worried about boredom. What was I going to do. Who was I going to hang around with etc.
How did I deal with this?
It was a culture shock at first. And I did not deal with it good at first. I don't want this post to seem as if I had it all together because I cried many a day in the beginning.
I do remember though a particular hard day I was having with Nathan. He was a colicky baby and this particular day he'd cried three hours straight and I was ready to pull my hair out. Nothing I was doing was consoling him and I was actually supposed to go somewhere but because he was so worked up I had to cancel. He finally fell asleep on our bed and I laid next to him and I'll never forget instead of wanting to get away from him it was the day I remember being most grateful for being with him. As difficult as he was to deal with that day I was happy that I was the one dealing with him and not someone else and it just made it worth it at that moment.
As far as the income is concerned. In the beginning we hit some rough patches. I was used to eating out all the time and buying things on a whim and that had to stop. But to be honest I was just telling Sam yesterday that it seems like we have more. I don't have that minivan yet. But I do have two nice cars that are paid off. I still love our home and my needs and even some of my wants are provided for. I'm actually really content right now.
Boredom. Well I already addressed that, it really doesn't happen and too Sam is blessed to be able to work from home 2 days a week so that breaks up my week a lot having him home.
IN CLOSING: HELPFUL TIPS
Pray. I can't stress that enough. I set up my calendar to alert me every hour to remind me to say a quick prayer. I pray for my children, my husband, for strength and I pray for contentment, I give thanks etc. But pray without ceasing.
Sam got me hooked on Zig Ziglar, who is a Christian motivating speaker and I listen to him and he taught me something valuable. That is always start the day on the right foot and end on the right foot. I always make sure my children are greeted nice and warm in the morning. I never plan anything too early in the day because I don't like to set the day rushing. I like them to wake up slow and to be greeted because the way you start your day sets the tone. I also like to do the same at night.
Respect your husband and actually pray for ways to serve him. LOL I know it sounds old fashioned but some of you who are SAHM - your husband is really good friends with mine and I get to hear how much they love having you home and that's a blessing because all husbands don't support this. Sam looks for ways to make my life easier and it's so evident in the way he treats me and our family that I love to do the same for him. Remember our marriages come first and you and your spouse will be together long after the children leave. I encourage you to do something very nice for your spouse every single day of the week, make a point of it. If you know he needs his lunch packed, then pack it. etc. But show that man respect and watch how much he loves you in return.
Don't get into a battle of words with people. And don't down mothers who work either. You can't enter into anyone else's household just like they can't enter into yours so save your critical tongue and spirit. And learn to forgive those who's words have hurt you.
Rest when you can. I don't advise cleaning when the children are down (I know sometimes that's the only time). I say rest with them. You need to be as well rested as possible and that's so hard with children but if you can steal a few minutes to rest then do so.
Concentrate on making your house a home and enjoy it. Enjoy your children, they're only in your home for a very short season don't let it be marked by complaining or discontentment. You could be having that career you miss, but it's a catch 22 because then you'd be missing some of their growing up. So choose in your mind which one you'll rather focus on and get over the other and enjoy what you're doing!

How many is too many...

Ever notice how hard people are on women who have 3 or more children. It used to be the norm to see families of 8+ children but now that's seen as odd. Even in churches it's frowned upon.

I'll admit I used to have this same view. If you had more than two children (especially if your first two are a boy and a girl) then I secretly saw more as too many. I just couldn't understand why anyone would want more. I recently over the past year have been trying to figure out why I felt this way. I don't feel that way anymore, as a matter of fact I wouldn't mind having 5 or 6 or maybe even 8 (yes you read right I said 8).

But I notice I get a lot of people who approach me, surprisingly in the church the most, that tell me "you have your boy and girl I know you're done." Why? Why do we as a society see having children this way. Most of the time I hear people refer to children as expensive and they put the connotation on it as if they're a burden. I hear "I can't wait until they grow up" etc. I run into a lot of young mothers who have one and they are done. Even if they themselves grew up in a big family they do not want to go through "that" again.

I admit it was hard for me to have another child. I loved my son and still do but had a pretty difficult pregnancy. I spent the last three months working from home and made about 4 emergency room visits so it wasn't very pleasant and in the end I had to have an emergency c-section to have him delivered. I remember before having children hearing mothers talk about how wonderful pregnancy is and sadly I didn't have that view the first time because I was in a lot of pain most of the time. The only reason I really decided to have another is because I really wanted Nathan to have a sibling and I wanted them to be as close in age as possible and that's where Peyton entered in. My second pregnancy was blissful. No emergency room visits and no c section not even a very long labor, and I got to thinking this wasn't so bad.

Now with both of them I couldn't be happier but I still run into very few people who say anything positive. I often hear "oh two in diapers" (followed by the odd look that's supposed to mean something). And to be honest with you having two in diapers hasn't been hard at all. I change one and then the other, really no big deal. As a matter of fact I really feel it's been easier with two then it was with one. I had a lot of anxiety with Nathan being my first child and now with Peyton that anxiety really hasn't been there. As soon as Peyton hit 8 weeks I flung her in her carseat and have been on the go ever since and when I'm out I change one, put them back in the stroller and change the other. I really haven't seen the big deal in it. Maybe the cost but even that hasn't been as astronomical as we thought it would be.

So then I began to re examine what I believed about children and in doing so I began reading to see what God had to say about children and I found that God has a very different view then society (isn't that usually the case?) As a matter of fact He sees them as blessings. And I realized what a big deal it is to Him to see us as Christian parents having more and more children.

I'm not big on ministering outside my home right now. I'm not against it if anyone else does it cause we all have our callings and need to be doing God's work but something people may notice about me is I don't participate in many ministries outside the home, at least not right now. And if anyone ask me how come I'm not involved in a ministry I tell them that I am. The ministry is my home and my husband and children.

Have you ever looked at a family tree. If you can trace your family tree back you can see just how many generations have come and gone. The image below isn't that great but I want you to look at it anyway and just picture if the person at the top told their family about Christ and then their children told their children's children etc. Look how far that "ministry" will span and just how many lives will be touched by that.

So I see why having children is so important in God's eyes but now that I see that how do we get people to stop having such a negative view about it.

I've grown to love being a mommy. There's been a great deal of challenges and I'm facing some heavy ones right now, but at the same token I love it. I love Nathan, the way he smiles, his personality the tone of his voice. The hugs he gives even some of the bad stuff I write in his journal because I often find some creativity in his disobedience. Every hardship I endured during his pregnancy pales in comparison to the joy of having him in my life. It was all worth it. And Peyton means the world to me as well. She has the most beautiful eyes and an infectious smile and she has a little face scrunch thing that she does that makes my heart melt and she loves to cuddle, and her favorite word is "done." I'm enjoying watching them grow and everyday it saddens me a little because I know I'm raising them to one day let them go and as these baby and toddler years creep by I can't fathom not having them in my home. I love the noise and chaos they bring. Throwing little socks into the washer and hanging up tiny pants to dry bringw me a weird sense of joy. My days are full of cherishable moments and I wonder what's wrong with this? Why do we speak against this as a society? Why are young girls and women growing up to believe that there should be a limit on children? That two are "enough." Now if you choose to just have two that's fine but if the connotation is that more than two is a bad thing then that's what I question. When it's seen as "I can't deal with any more."

I know it's hard in today's day and age especially when jobs seem so uncertain. And to be honest with you I'm kind of nervous about having a third, that's not going to stop me but at the same token I'm not looking forward to the negative comments that'll come from people ("You're pregnant again???!!! Already? " or "Are you ever going back to work") I've already been told by one person I'm a "baby making machine" when I was pregnant with Peyton (I'm still trying to figure out if I should be insulted or not). But I guess what goes around comes around because I used to feel the same way at one point.

But the questions I'm open to discussing are; how many are too many? And shouldn't each family have a right to have as many children as they want if they have the means to support them? Why can't we as women be as happy for someone's 5th pregnancy as we were for the first? Why do we think a woman with 4 or more children have "too many"? And why do we care so much about what other people do in their homes? If they choose to have 12 that's their right, correct? Let me know what you think.

She's got Talent

This is a really touchy subject but I want to open it up for discussion.

I get told a lot that I'm wasting my talents by being at home. I get told by friends point blank that they don't stay at home because they don't want to waste their talents. To be honest with all of you, I usually won't approach the topic at all because it's so controversial among women and usually steps on a lot of toes and for awhile I didn't even want to blog about it in this way but since it's in my face all the time and on my mind I decided to write about it anyway.

What does that mean? And I'm not asking that in a smart way at all, I very honestly want some comments on what that means.

I've been home for two years now and I hear it (or some variation) almost every week when I go to church (that's honestly no exaggeration). I get asked constantly (usually by the same people) when I'm going back to work and told not to waste my talent and that they too would stay home but they don't want to waste their talents.

I loved my job and while I worked hard to get it, I always considered it just a job. Yes I'm a college grad, yes I worked in jobs I hated before landing my "dream job" but it was still just a job to me. It was a place to go and make an income. If I have to go back it'd still be that, I never felt it was where my talent layed. Even before children if I'd had the choice I would've been doing something else.

But that's just me, there are many different types of jobs out there (surgeons, concert pianist, etc). So I don't want to say it doesn't take talent to work certain jobs. I worked in a daycare for awhile and I didn't feel that was mindless work either when I was there. I guess I'm hurt when I hear women say this, not because they're implying I don't have talent I'm just hurt if they think this is the only place or way to display talent is by going to a job. Is that the case or am I wrong?

And it's weird to think that if you're at home than you're suddenly talentless.

What is the stereotype of staying at home? Is it a lazy job now? Worthless?

It's up to the individual if they choose to work but why not say you choose to work because you like what you do. There's nothing wrong with that at all. You can work because you're good at what you do to, again nothing wrong with that. But should we apply the word talent to it.

I just looked up the word talent in the dictionary and do you know what it means? :

1.
a special natural ability or aptitude:

Did anyone notice the word natural in there. I went to school for 4 years (actually 5 now that I think about it) to get the training to do what I did for a living. It wasn't my talent. It wasn't natural.

Mozart was a natural at the piano. Beyonce seems to be a natural singer. I'm sure they used training to enhance what they could already do but the talent was already there it was natural.

But then I'll be fair because the second definition of talent does say:

2.

a capacity for achievement or success; ability:

So maybe my job was a talent I don't know. I guess the question I really need answered is am I wasting my talent? Seriously. Or can't I excercise other talents? Don't I have other talents? Don't you?

Do I have to work at a corporation to showcase my talent? Is that the only way for us women to show that we have talents?

I'm really curious about this topic. Not so much whether women should stay home or not that's not the topic. But rather women feeling their wasting something by doing it. That's what I really want to know. And the term "talents" is what I really want to harp on because that term (or some variation of it) is usually used.

Maybe I'm different but even when the kids go to school I'd like to explore other things, if Sam's ok with it and if we can afford it. I'd like to start volunteering my time at our children's home not too far from my house. I won't be getting paid for it but it's something I'd like to invest time in while Nathan and Peyton are in school. Is that wrong since I won't be making an income? A lot of people expect I'll be going back to work when Nathan and Peyton are school age. Actually that's not a goal or desire of mine. Is that wrong? And that's another question. Is the talent in what you do or in what you make?

Do you feel less if you're not bringing in a check? I have to admit it was weird the first Christmas buying Sam something, knowing I wasn't bringing home a check per se. But honestly with all the work I do around here those feelings left pretty quickly.

This isn't directed at the people who have to work to help support their families. JOr even the people who choose to work because they like it. Just at the people (women actually) who feel like they're wasting something if they're not working.

Or is it just a personal thing to the individual. How and why do you feel that way?

And I get these comments point blank to my face a lot. How should I, as a person who chose to stay at home re act? I'm not really sure. Should I be insulted? Or feel less?

I know I'm asking a lot of questions but I just want a lot of feedback. Feel free to email me directly.

What does this look like to you?

Tell me what does this look like to you?

Nathan loves Elmo. Anything Elmo. Sam and I always rent Elmo's world DVD's from the library. The last one we just rented was called "Families, Mail & Bath Time." The fact that the word "Families" was in the title made Sam and I nervous since a certain group of people are fighting hard to redefine families.

Sam and I watched this video with Nathan the first day, we watched hard too, because we suspected something is going to be thrown in. But we were wrong we thought, because we didn't see anything. Still the title made us uncomfortable. So yesterday I watched it again.

If you blink you'll miss it. If you reach down to scratch something you won't see it. But yesterday I didn't have to scratch or reach for anything and I saw it. It appears and disappears so quickly on the screen that I had to pause the DVD really fast to get a good look at it. Then I called Sam in to confirm it.

You can describe me as angry right now. Or better yet down right heated. My son loves this show and I'm sure someone in your family does as well.

But you know what? My son will no longer be watching this show, a decision made by his father and me. Does that seem harsh? Maybe. Unfair? Maybe. But God entrusted us with these two and sometimes our decisions aren't going to be liked.

But he could just watch the "clean" ones. Again Elmo's not welcome at this address any longer. I thought the video I rented from the library was a "clean" one. But again look at the picture above and answer my question.

What does this look like to you?

When Parents are Silent

Lately I've been struggling with a few issues. My issues aren't with children but with parents of children. I expect a toddler/baby to act like one but when the parent fails to help the situation then I have a problem. What am I talking about you ask? Read below. I honestly haven't run into this with anyone who reads my blog which is probably why I'm so free about expressing this. The people I've run into this with I don't really associate with anymore because I couldn't figure out if it's best to confront the person on the issues or let the issues go. Some of you who read this have been parents longer than me. I'd greatly appreciate your comments on if you've dealt with any of the below issues and if so what was/is your response.

CHILDREN WHO ARE DISRESPECTFUL
I can't tell you enough how much this one bothers me. Whether it be a toddler or a young child or preteen. I can't stand a disrespectful child. I truly believe that a child should use titles when talking to an adult, unless that adult says otherwise. I also believe a child should say, "Yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no sir." And if you don't agree with that then can they at least say "yes" and "no" instead of "yeah," "naw", "huh," "yep."
And what's with the interrupting while adults are talking? Shouldn't they be taught to say "Excuse me?"

CHILDREN WHO HIT AND SNATCH
This is a HUGE deal to me. Hitting or snatching is disrespect and should not be tolerated at all. This one pisses me off in parents. You know why? If you do not teach your child to quit hitting or snatching then guess what - when you bring them over for a play date, they're going to hit and snatch from their peers. I don't know any mother who doesn't get pissed when they see something snatched from their child or their child hit and the other parent just sits and watches or just says "Billy that's not nice." DO SOMETHING! Take the toy from them or make them stop. Or better yet whoop them.

EVERY TIME your child hits or snatches you should discipline. I don't believe there are any exceptions to this rule (except maybe in the case of self defense among that child's peers). If I'm wrong on this then feel free to leave me comments. I'm sick of going places and seeing children getting away with this. If you decide that it's ok for your child to do this then don't get mad if another parent speaks up and reprimands your child because you fail to do so. And that leads me to my next point.

STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE
Don't get so mad if someone else corrects your child. Maybe you didn't see what they were doing. Would you rather they allow your child to stick their hand under that hot water or run into the street? Hopefully the people you choose to hang around have your child's best interest at heart so if they tell your child to get down from something don't be so quick to get mad about it.

RESPECT OTHER PEOPLES HOME
So you think it's ok for Sarah to climb up on your kitchen cabinets. That's your business but please realize that everyone you visit may not feel the same way. So when you take your child to that persons house -DON'T LET THEM CLIMB. You put your host in a very awkward situation here if you do. Especially if you're a sensitive person. If you're not that sensitive and don't mind your host telling your children to get down (and if you teach your children to respect others authority) then it may not be that big of a deal. After all to give people the benefit of the doubt every one's rules are different and you can't be expected to know them right off, but it doesn't hurt to ask if the person minds what their kids are doing. Sometimes the host will say he/she is fine. If you hear the host tell your child to quit doing something at their house could you please back the host up and make your child stop?

I've finally learned to move valuable things out of the way of my toddler but some things like my couch and arm chair and dinner table can't/won't be moved. Nathan has been taught not to climb them and we had to be diligent about it but we won that fight and he doesn't climb them. We'll also do the same thing with Peyton but what gets hard is when people come over and let their children loose. I have to discipline them because you know what? It's not fair to Nathan to allow other children to come in and do what he's not allowed to do. So if you can - look at it from that hosts point of view. Don't expect them to compromise their rules because you don't want to tell your children no.

HE/SHE IS JUST ACTING 1,2, OR 3 YEARS OLD
You know sometimes I can actually agree with this statement. But not when it comes to disrespect. I know 2 year olds hit. Mine tries to do it here and you know what he gets disciplined when he does it, no questions asked. Don't explain away such behavior with age. I'm not going to say Nathan hit me because he's 2. No, he hit me because he's cutting up.
Even if they do something that they don't know better, like run into the street for the first time. They did it because they didn't know better, if you don't teach them otherwise they're going to do again and possibly get hurt.

METHODS OF DISCIPLINE

The counting method
We all know this one, where parents count to three to get the kid to listen. I don't actually have a problem with this method just the way it's used. I hear it all the time when I'm out with Nathan, but I never hear it used to correctly. I honestly believe that if you're going to use this method then the whole purpose should be to discipline the child if they haven't done what you've asked by the time you reach 3. DON'T START COUNTING OVER!!!!!!!!!!

If you're going to keep counting over or if you have to repeat your command after 3 then tell me please, what was your point?

Time out
I'm not against this method at all either. What I'm against is the parent constantly asking the child "Do you want to go to time out?" Asking once maybe, but asking the kid over and over? PUT THEM THERE ALREADY!

Whoopins
I pretty much have the same problem with this as with above. If you're going to do it then do it. If you tell them you're going to whoop them if they touch the hot stove again, then actually do what you said. Whoop them for touching the stove (not beat, whoop - there is a difference).

Reasoning
This method down right angers me. You're the parent. You're the protector. It's not up to you to reason with a 2 year old.

People may argue with me on this one because Nathan and Peyton are still so young. I believe in picking and choosing my battles but I'm not going to "reason" with Nathan. Once I make a stand on something I work with him to follow through on what I said. If I tell him to pick something up and he doesn't do it, then I take his hand and walk him over to get what I said to get. If I tell him to give me something and he doesn't then I take it from him end of discussion.

DON'T CHANGE DIAPERS IN PEOPLE'S KITCHENS

It's unfortunate that I have to write this but I do. I know as mothers we've all probably changed our children in all parts of our homes. But that's OUR homes. When you go to visit, even if that person has children of their own, don't expect them to be understanding of you changing your child anywhere. Do not assume it's ok to just change children on people's couches or living room floors. Ask the host where you can go to change your child and they'll tell you.

Also don't just throw a poopy diaper anywhere. Again ask your host where you can throw it.

Anyway these are a few things that frustrate me. I'm definitely not where I want to be with discipline. I've recently been seeking the counsel of older women (our parents age) because our generation seemed to act so much better than our children's generation. My mother-in-law is actually my favorite one to talk to along the lines of this because I love the way her kids came out (Hey I even married one:-) I also love to talk to my father on this topic. I'm still striving to incorporate rules and relationship. And remember what I said in the beginning - I have no issues with children acting childish I have a problem when parents are silent.

Time's ticking away

Yesterday I was on the floor playing with Peyton. Sam was working from home and Nathan was taking a nap and Peyton didn't want to nap so I got on the floor and played with her. I've done this before but yesterday was different. I started tapping the floor and she started imitating me and when I'd stop she'd grab my hands to continue. I started making noises and she started trying to imitate. The bad part was I wondered to myself, "How long has she been doing this?"

It's so easy to miss the little stuff. And I realized that I've been pretty busy lately. Even though I'm home full time "stuff" still gets in the way. Well that's about to change. I have to set limits. I have a ton of stuff to do each day to keep the house functioning properly but I'm going to have to manage my time better. It was a lot easier with just one child.

When Nathan was a baby it was quicker to clean and I didn't have a toddler going behind me when I'd finished cleaning making new messes :-) Also I kept a whiteboard up and I literally had everyday written out and that was a big help. Now the whiteboard is down because it used to be in the "office" which is now Peyton's room (that she's still not sleeping in by the way). Too Peyton is a much "easier" baby than Nathan was, as long as I'm in the room I can put her somewhere and this allows me to get stuff done.

A lot of people think I chose to stay home because I don't trust daycares or sitters. While that's a small part of it it's only about 5% (a VERY small part). The main reason I chose to stay home is because I don't want to miss my children growing up. Especially during these Baby/Toddler/Pre school years. Before Sam and I made the decision for me to be home full time, I spent a lot of time talking to "career" women. And I only spoke to the ones who's children were now grown. And every single one of them told me that if they had it to do over they wouldn't have worked when their children were young. They'd had no problems with daycares or sitters actually, but they said they missed way too much. I also talked to some stay at home mothers or mothers who'd stayed at home until their children were older (my mom included) and some of them wished they'd worked, mainly so they would've afforded more, I can relate to that feeling at times, if I were working now I'd have that minivan I've been wanting... So I had two opinions to go on to decide what we wanted to do. It also helped that I worked in a daycare for a year while in college so I already knew how they worked. Sam and I didn't have the option of working alternate shifts or going part time and though he can work from home at times he still wouldn't be able to have the kids around - it's a big no no to be dialed into a meeting with children behind you. We worked 8 hours a day with 1 hour for an unpaid lunch so Nathan and Peyton would've been with a sitter no less than 10 hours a day (hopefully because sometimes I worked 60 hour weeks...). So for Sam and I it was just figuring out which I may regret more. Working or not working.

I admit I need my sanity at times and time with adults (no children around). And I have to give it to Sam, he's very good at making sure I get that. I don't think I've ever heard him object to me getting together with one of my girlfriends. As a matter of fact he really encourages it so no complaints there. And I found a few other full time mothers so our children can socialize and I can have other adults to be around during the day so that helps too. Though I had a great job with a wonderful manager and great co workers, I've actually never missed work for any reason other than the extra income it brings.

So what's getting in the way? I can't blame it on having 2 children. Sam's a hands on father and spends ample time with the children and I get a significant amount of alone time with each child because of this. So I can't use that excuse. It's just stuff. The desire for a clean home. The desire to call my friends to say "hi" or "can I pray for you." The desire to keep in touch with people by sending a gazillion e-mails a day. etc. Just stuff. So I'm cutting out some stuff.

If God's willing I'll have my children for 18 years (22 if they go to college locally) and I think I'd rather have a less cleaner home (although trust me not nasty) and send fewer emails so that I can witness every moment possible.

So I'm starting today. It's actually 8:00 am and both children are in bed, which is the reason I'm writing. And I'm going to get that whiteboard back up. I have to go back to the original reason as to why I'm home which is to take care of my family. Believe it or not it is possible to be home full time and still "miss" this little stuff and I don't want to miss a thing. I know there's going to be times when the children have to entertain themselves or Peyton has to be in that swing or bouncer while Nathan plays with his cars on the floor so I can get things done and also I'm not going to give up the hour of alone time I get each evening but I just need to refocus and scale back a little.