How Am I Doing?

You know I'll be perfectly honest, I feel kind of low right now. There's only three things in life I truly care about:

1. Loving and honoring Christ
2. Respecting my husband
3. Loving and caring for my children

And to be honest with you that's it. I have hobbies that I love but they have very little value. I love scrapbooking and journaling to name a few but again it's level of importance isn't that high.

I honestly can care less if I'm told I suck at sewing (which I do by the way). My decorating skills need work and I'm not going to win any awards for cooking. But please don't label me a failure in the three categories I listed above. But lately I've been struggling in the third category.

I'd heard of guilt in motherhood but didn't realize it'd be so hard. I'll just give you an example:

Today my son and I went to McDonald's for lunch and playtime (you know on those climby things they have) anyway he went up and stayed on the top and honestly he was having a good time and there were two little girls there. There was a weird climby thing on one side and a tunnel slide on the other and he LOVES slides but he's only gone down tunnel slides a few times and if my son isn't familiar with something he won't try it. The little girls kept going down but he probably figured they're crazy and he wouldn't do it, anyway it came time to leave and I had to go up and get him (yes I really went in there) and when I reached him he threw a horrible tantrum, kicking, screaming the works so I spanked him right there on the spot. It was at the top of the tunnel thing and I'm already way to big to be up there and time out wasn't an option nor was "waiting out the tantrum". So he got spanked and shoved down the slide which he ended up loving and wanted to go back up in. But he couldn't cause we really had to go.

I looked at his tear stained face in the rear view mirror questioning if I could've handled the situation differently. I know why he was up there he was stuck not being bad, the spanking was for the fall out he had when I came up. I'm all for a spanking but I'd rather not spank in public I care about my child's feelings especially when others are around but I don't know what else I could've done in the situation and my son's pitiful tear streaked face is etched in my mind for some reason. And please don't email me or comment on how the situation could've better been handled or how spankings are wrong in your opinion etc. I kid you not I really feel sad over the incident and don't feel like being taken lower, it was supposed to be a fun day and though he needed disciplined I would've rather both of us remembered it for a great time.

I've been told to expect many more days like today in the future and that's fine but how do I deal with this "mother's guilt" I guess you call it.

There's other things I could write about like this. I could fill a book already. With Mother's Day approaching a program I listen to "revive our hearts" allow listeners to call in and express their thanks to their mothers. And to hear what some people say is amazing. Some are in tears as they pay tribute to their mothers. And every year I pray that my children will one day consider me worthy of such recognition.

I don't desire to be perfect. I made to many mistakes already and especially with the teenage years coming I may not always be liked. I have no desire to be a friend. I want to be their mom. I want them to know three things:

1. I love my Lord
2. I respect and deeply love their father
3. I so very much love them and want what's best for them

But right now I'm really not sure how I'm doing.

-- Post From My iPhone