Since December...

Since December three people (including Nathan) in my family have been diagnosed with cancer...all on the same side of the family too. I found out about the latest diagnoses on Monday.

I'm trying to write a blog around this...but honestly I don't know what to say...so for now I'll just end this post and try again later


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhoneu

Change the subject

Seriously one of the worst things about having a sick kid is the way people call you.

I hardly ever answer the phone anymore and that's for a number of reasons, one being how people call:

"Hello (extremely sad voice), How are you?" (followed by a whole bunch of sighs, etc.)

It's so annoying!!!!! The silly part is usually when I answer I'm almost tempted to ask the person what's wrong and I'm not trying to be funny but a few times I thought I was getting called to be told that someone died or something because that's just how you people sound. There's been a few times when Sam and I and the children are laughing and playing, having a good day, then the phone rings..."(Sigh) Hello (very very depressing voice) Calling to check on Nathan."

Please people quit doing that!!!! I guess people feel it would be inappropriate to call sounding happy I don't know and maybe I can't blame you for feeling that way but my goodness, it would probably be better not to call until you can sound a little better on the phone. I mean who's supposed to be cheering up who here?

I have one friend who still talks to me like normal. Don't get me wrong she's highly concerned about Nathan and checks on him, came to the hospital several times but she doesn't come over or call all sad and you know what I LOVE talking to her, I get to hear about her children, about works etc. She still tells me about life. I just told one of my friends to please not feel obligated to call and get quiet on me, waiting for me to run the conversation. If I feel the need to talk I will but I really want to hear about your life. Have the kids been cutting up in school? Please tell me about it. Any in law arguments? I want to hear them. Believe it or not changing the subject helps me. I have this blog to write about Nathan and honestly I'm going to fill it up talking about him and I'm meeting people that are in the same situations and I want to talk to them about Rhabdomyosarcoma...but for those of you not in this situation, I so appreciate everything, the concern etc. but a lot of you keep asking me what you can do to help...well changing the subject every now and then will suit me just fine.

One Day

One day I swear I'm going to return every one's calls. One of my BFF's told me to just write for now. I honestly wish I could talk and some days it's easier than others but it's hard. I think I put up a good front. Not all of it is a front though, there's definitely some strength there but at times I'm really weak. Last night I came across a picture of Nathan, we were at Preston's Hope a park here in Cleveland and in the picture Nathan is walking into a big house that's on the playground. I took the picture from behind and his little arms are open and he's in mid stride and there's this big opening and he's heading in and I don't know why but for some reason I had a vision of him walking into glory and of course the tears began to flow and now when I cry it's horrible. I cry like I never have before. I can feel it in my stomach it's so painful. I went in the bathroom so I wouldn't disturb Sam and I just cried myself sick literally. I feel as if this is a nightmare. And I've gotten so many kind words and acts of kindness thrown our way but it doesn't help. I know God can fix this. I know He can heal Nathan and I know he could do it right away. So why is He stalling? I don't know. I still trust Him. Honestly I have no where else to go but to Him and that's where I've been. Begging God to spare our child. I literally pleaded with Him not to take Nathan's life. Honestly a car accident would be better than this. I've watched Nathan suffer so much already. They have to put him to sleep everytime they do a lot of CT scans and MRI's because he's too young to understand not to move. Have you ever seen anyone put your child under? Every see your child go from screaming to crying to just floppy limp? Have you ever seen your kid have out of it calling for his Dad? Have you ever had to send your baby away over and over into the hands of strangers, knowing they're going to be probing him etc and you can't go in to protect them.

To do the CT Scan to measure for radiation they had to put Nathan asleep and bolt his head to the table...literally. They do it with a mesh facial mask that they wet in water and quickly put on your face to mold it to the shape of your face. They do this because when they get radiation, they absolutely cannot move so he'll be put under to get the radiation that will last everyday for 4 weeks starting feb. 15. We were in there when they put the first facial mask over his face and they closed his mouth and were molding the mask but he had been breathing out of his mouth instead of his nose so the Doctor in the room had to quickly have them unbolt the mask because his oxygen level went down. I was so thankful for that doctor. Have you ever had to give your child an injection? It hurts enough to watch the doctor do it but imagine giving a 3 year old a shot every single day.

Some people have suggested I talk to someone... well talk to who? Some specialist who've never experienced having a sick child? I don't think so. Maybe in the future I'll talk to someone but not now.

I want to scream over and over but I can't, it's not helping. My child has changed, he's sick and it's almost like he's sad. I just got off the phone with my husband who said that he's calling the doctor because he still feels like they're missing something. He said even if we have to bring him back today he wants him looked at. So I'm here getting our clothes ready. I hate life right now. I want to love it but I can't if our child isn't well.

I hate to sound like I'm contradicting my last post but get used to inconsistencies if you're reading this. Some days are OK and some are horrible.

Ever Need a Break?

Seriously I needed one today. It has just been one of those days where you feel so much pressure. I just wanted to go into the basement to scream at the top of my lungs to release some and I honestly would've but I didn't want to scare my babies either so I just held it in. But seriously I need a break. I need a spa day or something, or a date with the hubby would be really nice right now. Just thinking out loud...

Traditions

I'm so looking forward to the holidays this year! Thanksgiving will be at our home this year and I'm so excited about it. In past years Sam and I had to bounce to about 5 homes and usually we missed someone or an Uncle called the next day insulted that we didn't stop by and after having children it became increasingly harder to manage going to more than one house. Now in the last three years I became really strict on Christmas. I said to my husband that on Christmas we will be home. Period. As many people can come over as can fit, the more the merrier but it will be at home, this year I've set the same rule on Thanksgiving.

My mother always had the best holiday traditions and I'm so excited to be able to mimic hers and create some of my own. Both of my parents agreed readily to me taking over and have given in to me calling the shots. I actually think they like the idea. I remember going to Thanksgiving dinner at my grandparents and then it switching to my parents house and now ours. It's amazing to see how life progresses and changes. My mother always cooked everything and now I'm excited about doing everything (except the turkey...I don't do turkeys lol she can still handle that).

I've been enjoying so much organizing and planning this. The menu I put together is amazing (yes I'm bragging). Even though I don't do it often, I'm beginning to love entertaining and love being a host. I hope to bring our children many fond memories this holiday season and in years to come.
-- Post From My iPhone

Just stress

What do you do when life stresses you and you pray and pray but God seems silent? And you really want to tell someone what you're stressed about but you really have no one to tell? And it's sad to feel you have no one to tell especially since you have a ton of friends. I know what the scriptures say and I've literally been telling God everything lately. Just talking to him more and more (along with my hubby of course:-)

What happens when you need a getaway, yet there's no one around to help? What happens when you remain silent and your frustrations continue to mount one after another almost to the point that you're ready to snap at anyone outside of your immediate family. What happens when you don't have a support system? What happens when you know full well you're not supposed to harbor things and let your heart grow bitter, yet you feel yourself going in that direction anyhow? What happens when you want to start voicing what's truly on your mind even at the expense of losing relationships or hurting people, because you just can't be silent anymore? What happens when some well meaning people try to offer encouragement but all you want to do is tell them to get lost? What happens when your best isn't better? Just writing because I have a lot on my mind. I truly want no comments or emails on this post. It just felt good to write since I wasn't sleep anyhow.

-- Post From My iPhone

Nannies

I was at my son's gymboree class last week and had an interesting conversation with a Nanny. Now being a stay at home mom, I meet a ton of different people as I'm out with my children. I have Nathan and Peyton involved in several things and coming across a child and his/her nanny isn't uncommon though to me it still strikes me as weird.

A nanny is a lot more than a baby sitter and when I'm out I do run into children and their babysitters as well, they're pretty easy to spot. A child and a nanny isn't (unless of course the nationalities are different). But they're very hard to spot because most times you'd just assume the child was with their mommy.

And I must admit I'm extremely jealous of some of these Nannies. I had a long conversation with one named Lindsey last Thursday. Ironically she was from my husband's hometown and though she was 4 years younger than me and had no children of her own, she had a ton of experience and gave me the best advice on potty training I'd ever gotten. Seriously no mother has ever given me methods such as hers. She's potty trained three and she attended Alexandria School in Solon, OH. She's already been a nanny to twins in Canada, as well as the family she's currently with now. The perks of her job are phenomenal. Not only is her salary higher than I'd guess most people's are, but it also comes with room and board and a car. When she becomes a mother to her own children, I can just imagine the experience she's going to bring to the table.

But the thing that saddened me and I point blank asked her is "aren't you technically raising the children yourself?" The answer obviously is yes. Right now she's a nanny to a family of two attourney's. It's obvious the little girls parents are very successful, though I see they're missing so much they can't get back to chase something for a child who could care less... Am I saying one of the parents should stay home? Not necessarily, but I am saying they should have a little more time for their child. When it gets to the point that the nanny is attending classes, and baseball games, and spelling bees instead of of mommy or daddy, then I think some priorities need adjusting. I do remember when I used to work I met with one of the executives, named Tom and he gave my team the best bit of advice ever. You can get your job back but not time with your family. Tom had a strict rule, no anything after 4:00 - meetings, phone calls, etc. After 4 he went home and this particular day he had to be at a ball game for his niece so he wasn't about to let the meeting run over. And he reported directly to the CEO and had an office overlooking the browns stadium yet he always said it didn't compare to family.

You see some people have this concept down. Yet others and I'm sad to say, especially women struggle in this area horribly. If someone else is literally raising your child in this way, then I think maybe priorities should be question. Not all but some nannies are paid so well that it's obviously a very important job. Most nanny position require the nanny to enter into a 1 to 2 year contract so that the child has some normalcy. Nannies are required to work at least 16 to 18 hours a day and do some of the house hold cleaning. They're also responsible for teaching the child manners, and basic things about life etc.

I think women need to check themselves. Nannies no matter how fantastic can't replace the love of a mother and father. Quit letting someone else enjoy our children.

I read an interesting quote in a community on circle of moms:

"while I was in college I was a summer Nanny for families in Chicago and I saw how much my little charges missed they're Moms and Dads who sometimes only spent a few hours a week with them. Yes some of these kids got everything they wanted financially and they weren't starving for food but some were starving for Mommy and Daddy's attention and Love. because lets face it no matter how much I gave them I wasn't there Mom."

Good Hair...

Ok this post is directed more at African/African American women...but of course anyone can read and comment. I just say that because they're probably the only ones who will understand it.



Recently I've been hearing a lot of buzz over the term "good hair" again. I know this term has never left our speech as African Americans, but for some reason I'm hearing it more now. Especially since I have a daughter of my own.

So what is "good hair"? Unfortunately the term is just as negative as the word nigger. "Good Hair" when said by a black person, means hair that is naturally straight, or like a white persons.

Every little black girl is going to deal with this at some point in her life. It's inevitable. I remember in first grade my best friend Shelly was white, with the prettiest, long, blond hair I'd ever seen. And for the life of me I couldn't understand why my hair wasn't like hers. I remember begging my mom to be able to wear my hair down instead of in pigtails and just didn't understand why I couldn't. It didn't help that my mom had what blacks consider to be "good hair". As a little girl I remember my mother being able to wash and dry her hair and not have to go through the straightening, relaxing, and flat ironing etc. And it was extremely thick and beautiful...but mine though thick, was different.

For the longest I was the only black girl in my gymnastics class. By that time my mother used to straighten my hair but of course gymnastics in the summer equals sweating and I'd "sweat my hair out" so the straightening job wouldn't last. It was hard because on the days of our gymnastics meets my coach would want us to look uniform, but I couldn't wear the hairstyles my teammates wore so again I'd look different. Alot of the hair clips they wanted to wear I couldn't wear and that was hard. Though I did used to get a lot of compliments on my hair which helped. But as a black girl it wasn't as easy to just fling my hair into a pony tail. It needed to be "done".

Also swimming in high school sucked. I took swimming lessons as a child so I knew how to swim and didn't see the point in swimming in junior high and high school. You're only given 10 minutes after getting out of the pool to get dressed and get to your next classes. You could always tell the swim weeks in high school, because unless a black girl had braids in her hair or really short hair, then it just looked a mess for those two weeks...

Growing up I had a lot of family members with naturally straight hair so I was around it a lot. I also had some friends with naturally straight hair or hair that didn't require a perm or a straightening comb to be straight. LOL I've also come across a ton of people who claim to have naturally straight hair....that's a whole other post for a whole other day.

The term "good hair" was a curse word in our home. Although my mother's hair was naturally straight she never let me believe mine wasn't just as beautiful and she spent a lot of time learning how to do my hair. She had to learn how to use a straightening comb, etc. and she worked hard at it. She also took the time to find hair dressers who were able to do my hair.

I don't remember the exact time that I grew out of wanting hair that was different than mine, but somewhere along the line I came to not only, like, but love my hair. I could braid it and I could go from straight hair to extremely curly (with the help of a few rollers), my hair is thick and I learned what I needed to do to help it grow etc. It may have been the huge rise in the hip hop culture that helped me appreciate my hair more or maybe it was reaching another level of maturity, I don't know, but I do know that now I absolutely love my hair and I feel my hair is perfect for me.

Now I have a daughter. I was soooo happy when I found out I was having a little girl, but having a child reveals again just how many obstacles we as a people still have to overcome. Believe it or not when my children were born I had people watching them closely to see if they were going to "darken up" or not. I could care LESS what complexion my children were but others around me were so picky about it. Also my daughter especially was watched to see what her hair was going to do. And a lot of black people do not believe in cutting their boys hair the first year. There's absolutely no reason not to, and if you ask ten different black people, you'll get ten different reasons as to why you're not supposed to cut it, but the main reason I hear is you'll mess up the texture...

My daughters hair is beautiful and I love it. I love coming up with ways to do it and I LOVE putting bows in her hair...though I do know one day I'm going to have to explain to her why hers is...different. Why it takes a little work to get a comb through, why she can't just "wash and go" etc. And not only that I'm going to have to teach her how to love hers. I don't know if this is as big a deal with African American boys. My husband and I had a long discussion about this the other day and I don't believe it is from what we discussed so I don't worry about my son as much but with my daughter I know it's going to be an issue.

Now my parents did a WONDERFUL job of explaining it to us. And not only that my parents were adamant about making sure we were in places and around people who looked like us. To some people that sounds prejudice but it's not. We were in a mixed neighborhood and always went to mixed schools. I don't think it's prejudice to want your kids around your race, I think racism comes in when you don't want your kids around any other race but theirs. That's the difference. My parents just made a point in making sure we were not the minorities in our environment. Now I know what you're going to say "if it wasn't for the Little Rock Nineand other trailblazers we wouldn't have the right to go to schools so maybe it was a bad idea for my parents not to make trailblazers out of us"...to that I say don't forget we were born in the 70s...we already had those freedoms to go where we want the trailblazers came before us. My parents had us in mixed environments for a reason. We were allowed to befriend whomever we wanted. But when I had questions or issues with my pigtails, I wasn't the ONLY girl in my church, or school with pigtails. I didn't stick out like a sore thumb. My best friend happened to be white but still there were people there who looked like me and had hair like mine and I really applaud them for making an effort to put me in situations that I could not only learn about people who didn't look like me but also have people around who did look like me. And I was the only black in my gymnastics class as I mentioned above and that's mainly because gymnastics, like golf, and tennis have few blacks in them to begin with, and I had a wonderful coach and made a lot of great friends (some of whom still remember my afro puffs to this day:-)

Peyton one day is going to question her hair, she's going to wonder why her friends of other nationalities can wash their hair everyday, yet she cannot or it will damage her hair. I used to go to a salon where there were white and black hair dressers, and one lady approached me, she was white and we had a wonderful conversation and she said she never realized until she started working at that salon just how much it took to do a black woman's hair. Seriously a white hairdresser will do about 6 people's heads to every 1 black customer. She said she was blown away to witness it and and she loved learning about it (of course there are a ton of white hairdressers out there that know how to style African Americans hair).

As mom I might take a different approach with her. I'm very protective of both of my children although some things they're still going to have to learn on their own but I protect them whenever I can. In talking to Sam the other day I told him that I don't know how to do my natural hair. Seriously I've been straightening my hair and getting relaxers for so long that if I were to go back to my natural hair, I honestly wouldn't know what to do with it. And believe it or not, many black hairdressers don't know how to style natural African/African American hair either. It's not that I'm not proud of my hair, but seriously I only know how to style it with perms and relaxers...it's just all I know. I think I'm going to teach Peyton different. I want her to have pride in her natural hair, and I want to learn how to do it. If she gets a little older and want a relaxer or wants it straightened then I have no problem with that either, but in the meantime I want her to know that her hair is "good" and beautiful and absolutely perfect. I tell her that when I'm combing it. I want her to love and appreciate it. I want her to love everything about her self and improve the things she can improve but appreciate and love how God made her as an African American woman. And to be honest with you that's another beauty in our hair. We can go from Natural, to straighten, to a relaxer, to a jerry curl (if you really want to go back there lol), to curly, to braids, to an afro etc...and I'm proud of that and I want Peyt to be proud of that too.

*Please don't take this post to mean that African/African American women are the only ones with hair issues. I'm not saying that. I'm just writing about my hair and what I can relate to :-)

I just don't know...

Have you ever been at a crossroads? A place where you need to make really tough decisions but you really don't know which is the right decision? And you're praying about it but it really doesn't seem like an answer is coming? And you want to consult a friend for Godly counsel but none of your friends have been where you are and talking to people who aren't there or haven't been there just doesn't help... What do you do?

I'm in that situation right now and I really don't have a clue what to do. Some will say "wait on the Lord" and I agree with that but what to do in the meantime because in every situation I can't just sit and do nothing. As you can see I'm not going to go into detail about the situation. I would like to but it involves more than just myself and to be honest with you I'm really not seeking advice from anyone on the situation until I find someone in a similar situation. It's like if someone loses their mother, it's nice to give condolences but true understanding can only come from someone who's been there.

Since I've been praying on this I've ran into many people in this situation that I've met in bathrooms or out and about. And you know how we women are we just get to talking and tell our life stories within 5 minutes :-) and in the midst of these conversations I feel God may not be answering my prayer just yet. But then it does seem like He's comforting me. Telling me through these strangers that it's going to be ok in the end. If it's not God then I don't know what or who it is because it's been too weird the run ins I've been having with people lately. Out of the blue they're talking to me about something I'm going through and these people don't even know it. They may or may not be Christians but God has used these run ins in my life and they've come at times when I was at my lowest. Now again I'm waiting.

Lord I really really need your help and guidance, Thank you so much for the strangers I've met lately. Thank you for a supportive husband and two wonderful children. Have you told me what to do and I'm just missing it? If so please tell me again. I want to make the right decisions but I just want to know what do I do, because I really don't know anymore...

Stepping back

Seriously, I just needed a break from everything which is why I haven't updated this blog in so long.

I was listening to a program the other day and the Pastor was saying how some people rely heavily on Christian programs, books, ministry groups etc. to get them through but spend very little time in God's word and prayer and just time to themselves. And I realized that was starting to describe me.

I'd gotten semi addicted to face book and blogging and in my spare time, when the children and hubby were sleep that's what I've been doing and I realized it was beginning to be too much. I listened to my ministries while washing clothes but was spending very little time with Christ himself, in prayer and Bible study. And this should be primary not secondary.

I actually love Bible study but lately I'd been squeezing it in instead of making time for it. So I decided to take a two day hiatus from face book. Kind of like a fast if you will. I wanted to use this time to concentrate on other things and to fit in Bible Study. And not just a rushed verse here and there but real Bible reading. I have the IPhone now and it's so easy to just click on that app and the other apps on my phone. My People app, my TMZ app etc. Just stuff that takes up a ton of time with no real benefit. So I deleted a few apps that were time consumers and decided to take a step back from face book (by not clicking on it).

And you know it was one of the best things for me. So much so I'm going to start doing it more often. I'm not leaving face book completely. It's a really great tool for keeping in touch with people but I have to set limits on that and everything else in my life that's starting to get in the way of what's most important. Time with my Saviour, my husband, and my children.