Since December three people (including Nathan) in my family have been diagnosed with cancer...all on the same side of the family too. I found out about the latest diagnoses on Monday.
I'm trying to write a blog around this...but honestly I don't know what to say...so for now I'll just end this post and try again later
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Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
New Blog
Hi All! I'll no longer be updating this blog. At least I won't for the next 43 weeks. Instead I've created a blog to follow Nathan. Please click here to read and link to it!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Miracles and Wonders
I was reading the Bible today and for some reason a passage stuck out to me:
46Once more he visited Cana in Galilee where he had turned the water into wine. And there was a certain royal official whose son lay sick at Capernaum. 47When this man heard that Jesus had arrived in Galilee from Judea, he went to him and begged him to come and heal his son, who was close to death. 48"Unless, you people see miraculous signs and wonders," Jesus told him, "you will never believe.". 49The royal official said "Sir, come down before my child dies. ". 50Jesus replied, "you may go. Your son will live." The man took Jesus at his word and departed. 51 While he was still on the way, his servants met him with the news that his boy was living. 52When he inquired as to the time when his son got better, they said to him, "the fever left him yesterday at the seventh hour." 53Then the father realized that this was the exact time at which Jesus said to him "your son will live." So he and all his household believed. John 4:46-53
Now the verse that most stuck out to me today was 48. To dig a little deeper I went to my MacArther Bible Commentary for an explanation, here's how he explains it:
48 Unless you people see signs and wonders. The "you" is plural. Jesus addresses these words to the Galileans as a whole and not just to the nobleman. The response of the Galileans was fundamentally flawed because it disregarded the person of Christ and centered in the need for a constant display of miraculous signs. Such an attitude represents the deepest state of unbelief.
Now let's look at another story:
5When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. 6"Lord," he said, " my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering." 7Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him." 8The Centurion replied, "Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9For I myself am a man under authorithy, with soldiers under me. I tell this one 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it." 10When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, "I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12 But the subjects of the king will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 13 then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.". And his servant was healed at that very hour. Matthew 8:5-13
The thing that really just grabbed me was in John the man didn't believe until the miraculous sign was done. Do we realize who our God is?? Do we really? (I'm including myself in this 'we'). Do you have any idea the amount of people God has healed from cancer???This is huge to us, but to God it's nothing. He told Lazarus to come forth, goodness He raised himself from the dead even. We don't need to question God's ability. I just like to read the Gospels sometimes just to remind myself of who I serve.
I've always loved Matthew 6, now it's taking on a new meaning. The Lord covers so much in that chapter but I especially like starting at verse 25 where the Lord tell us not to worry. And He didn't make it optional which always struck me as odd. How can we not worry???? But in verse 33 He gives us our answer, He said to seek Him first. Instead of pondering or worrying we're supposed to spend time we'd waste on that seeking Him.
And you know what, so far I've found it helpful. I thought before if I ever was in a situation like this I'd go crazy. I truly thought an issue like this would do that. Sam and I were just talking yesterday about this and believe it or not the conversation was around "how are we still standing?"
For those of you who are truly praying for my family please continue. I was talking to my friend yesterday and she asked if I had peace because that's what she's been praying for, that the Lord will give me peace. At first I'm thinking , I still don't have peace but then it hit me after we got off, I actually did sleep sound the last three nights, there's been a TON of laughter this week even through two hospital visits and truthfully I don't dwell on this situation, I do think about it of course but Sam and I are moving forward...yes I'm starting to feel better. So those of you praying, it's getting heard, please don't get disappointed if God doesn't answer our prayers the way we may want.
I'm loving our Savior right now, this situation stinks but He's teaching Sam and me so much. We thought we already knew but there's so much we just didn't know that we're learning through this. I'm reading back through Matthew and John I'm looking at not only how God healed but the way people approached him. We often quote how God healed the blind man but what did he say to him in the process. What did Jesus say to the man lowered in on the mat? How did he address Mary and Martha when he arrived at Lazarus's tomb? And too don't you know God could've stopped the beheading of John the Baptist??
We're talking about God who created the heavens and the earth just by speaking. The same God who rebuked the winds and the waves.
I truthfully just started this ride I have no clue how hard the journey is going to get and honestly i'm not going to spend too much time thinking that far ahead anymore. But I'm comforted knowing who's in control of this situation and that He's not only going on this ride with us but commanding the ship.
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46Once more he visited Cana in Galilee where he had turned the water into wine. And there was a certain royal official whose son lay sick at Capernaum. 47When this man heard that Jesus had arrived in Galilee from Judea, he went to him and begged him to come and heal his son, who was close to death. 48"Unless, you people see miraculous signs and wonders," Jesus told him, "you will never believe.". 49The royal official said "Sir, come down before my child dies. ". 50Jesus replied, "you may go. Your son will live." The man took Jesus at his word and departed. 51 While he was still on the way, his servants met him with the news that his boy was living. 52When he inquired as to the time when his son got better, they said to him, "the fever left him yesterday at the seventh hour." 53Then the father realized that this was the exact time at which Jesus said to him "your son will live." So he and all his household believed. John 4:46-53
Now the verse that most stuck out to me today was 48. To dig a little deeper I went to my MacArther Bible Commentary for an explanation, here's how he explains it:
48 Unless you people see signs and wonders. The "you" is plural. Jesus addresses these words to the Galileans as a whole and not just to the nobleman. The response of the Galileans was fundamentally flawed because it disregarded the person of Christ and centered in the need for a constant display of miraculous signs. Such an attitude represents the deepest state of unbelief.
Now let's look at another story:
5When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. 6"Lord," he said, " my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering." 7Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him." 8The Centurion replied, "Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9For I myself am a man under authorithy, with soldiers under me. I tell this one 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it." 10When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, "I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12 But the subjects of the king will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 13 then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.". And his servant was healed at that very hour. Matthew 8:5-13
The thing that really just grabbed me was in John the man didn't believe until the miraculous sign was done. Do we realize who our God is?? Do we really? (I'm including myself in this 'we'). Do you have any idea the amount of people God has healed from cancer???This is huge to us, but to God it's nothing. He told Lazarus to come forth, goodness He raised himself from the dead even. We don't need to question God's ability. I just like to read the Gospels sometimes just to remind myself of who I serve.
I've always loved Matthew 6, now it's taking on a new meaning. The Lord covers so much in that chapter but I especially like starting at verse 25 where the Lord tell us not to worry. And He didn't make it optional which always struck me as odd. How can we not worry???? But in verse 33 He gives us our answer, He said to seek Him first. Instead of pondering or worrying we're supposed to spend time we'd waste on that seeking Him.
And you know what, so far I've found it helpful. I thought before if I ever was in a situation like this I'd go crazy. I truly thought an issue like this would do that. Sam and I were just talking yesterday about this and believe it or not the conversation was around "how are we still standing?"
For those of you who are truly praying for my family please continue. I was talking to my friend yesterday and she asked if I had peace because that's what she's been praying for, that the Lord will give me peace. At first I'm thinking , I still don't have peace but then it hit me after we got off, I actually did sleep sound the last three nights, there's been a TON of laughter this week even through two hospital visits and truthfully I don't dwell on this situation, I do think about it of course but Sam and I are moving forward...yes I'm starting to feel better. So those of you praying, it's getting heard, please don't get disappointed if God doesn't answer our prayers the way we may want.
I'm loving our Savior right now, this situation stinks but He's teaching Sam and me so much. We thought we already knew but there's so much we just didn't know that we're learning through this. I'm reading back through Matthew and John I'm looking at not only how God healed but the way people approached him. We often quote how God healed the blind man but what did he say to him in the process. What did Jesus say to the man lowered in on the mat? How did he address Mary and Martha when he arrived at Lazarus's tomb? And too don't you know God could've stopped the beheading of John the Baptist??
We're talking about God who created the heavens and the earth just by speaking. The same God who rebuked the winds and the waves.
I truthfully just started this ride I have no clue how hard the journey is going to get and honestly i'm not going to spend too much time thinking that far ahead anymore. But I'm comforted knowing who's in control of this situation and that He's not only going on this ride with us but commanding the ship.
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Friday, February 5, 2010
How to Discipline
Nathan took a flying leap off of the couch today!!!!! Sam and I were so happy but then something occured to us...he's not allowed to do that!!!! Then I got to thinking of something else - How in the world do you discipline a child going through chemotherapy???
Now my doctor told me that I have to still discipline like I would if he were well. That advice has been some of the best ever, it helped us teach Nathan to listen to the doctors, especially when things are being done to him that are painless (such as blood pressure) and it's helped.
But I used to believe in time outs and sometimes spanking but spanking Nathan right now just feels weird (I would say whoopins but I don't know if that's politically correct:-) Peyton of course has noticed us let up a little and is taking full advantage of this situation.
But also the doctors point out that what Nathan is going through can be traumatic to adults so who knows what it does to a child. And we have noticed changes in Nathan's personality, so much so that when the 'old' Nathan shines through and he starts cutting up, it actually bring us joy, weird huh. Now I wouldn't go visiting other people now, not sure they'd feel the same way we do :-).
My only fear is starting bad habits. Nathan has to eat a ton of calories while on chemo. I was actually told the more fattening foods the better. Plus chemo changes your taste buds, things he used to like he now hates. Actually he only wants pringles...so for two days he ate pringles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...I know this was a dream come true for him but I had to talk to his dietician about this because we felt he was getting away with murder. Poor Peyton begged to do the same but we didn't let her. When we went back to the doctor I was told he gained two kilos (whatever that means), but he had a heavy sweater on too, I refuse to give pringles any credit.
So that's what's on my mind today. I'm trying to maintain some stability around here not easy but has to be done. I haven't got my formula down yet, I'll update more when we do.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Now my doctor told me that I have to still discipline like I would if he were well. That advice has been some of the best ever, it helped us teach Nathan to listen to the doctors, especially when things are being done to him that are painless (such as blood pressure) and it's helped.
But I used to believe in time outs and sometimes spanking but spanking Nathan right now just feels weird (I would say whoopins but I don't know if that's politically correct:-) Peyton of course has noticed us let up a little and is taking full advantage of this situation.
But also the doctors point out that what Nathan is going through can be traumatic to adults so who knows what it does to a child. And we have noticed changes in Nathan's personality, so much so that when the 'old' Nathan shines through and he starts cutting up, it actually bring us joy, weird huh. Now I wouldn't go visiting other people now, not sure they'd feel the same way we do :-).
My only fear is starting bad habits. Nathan has to eat a ton of calories while on chemo. I was actually told the more fattening foods the better. Plus chemo changes your taste buds, things he used to like he now hates. Actually he only wants pringles...so for two days he ate pringles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...I know this was a dream come true for him but I had to talk to his dietician about this because we felt he was getting away with murder. Poor Peyton begged to do the same but we didn't let her. When we went back to the doctor I was told he gained two kilos (whatever that means), but he had a heavy sweater on too, I refuse to give pringles any credit.
So that's what's on my mind today. I'm trying to maintain some stability around here not easy but has to be done. I haven't got my formula down yet, I'll update more when we do.
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Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Surprises
So Nathan had to go to the hospital on Monday to have his blood counts checked. He's getting a shot daily at home to boost his blood counts as they tend to drop after chemo. Anyway his counts had to be checked because this shot has the possibility to boost his counts too high. See we're still new at this, when we went last week his counts hadn't changed but they wanted to check him Monday because if they wait until Thursday they may boost too high. (I know my explanation needs work, I'm new to this). If the counts are too high or out of the range of what we consider normal then side effects can occur like bone aches.
Anyway when I got there Monday I asked if they were going to take blood from Nathan's port. The nurse said they could though they'd prefer to take to from the arm or finger. The least amount of times they access the port is better because it lowers the infection risk. So I knew taking it from the arm was out so I told the nurse we'd try his finger.
I was sooooooo nervous about this. Getting blood from Nathan is next to impossible but we'd never done his finger. But guess what??!!!! He did fantastic!!!!!!!! He didn't even flinch!!! I was soo proud of him. I pray it's this easy in the future. His counts were high so the shots are stopped for now.
Tomorrow is chemo. Please pray that his blood counts are good, pray for strength for Nathan. He left Monday in a great mood, saying bye to everyone with a huge smile, it was really cute. His hair is bushy, Sam decided not to cut it yet until it starts falling out but it looks kind of cute. I really love that little guy!
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Anyway when I got there Monday I asked if they were going to take blood from Nathan's port. The nurse said they could though they'd prefer to take to from the arm or finger. The least amount of times they access the port is better because it lowers the infection risk. So I knew taking it from the arm was out so I told the nurse we'd try his finger.
I was sooooooo nervous about this. Getting blood from Nathan is next to impossible but we'd never done his finger. But guess what??!!!! He did fantastic!!!!!!!! He didn't even flinch!!! I was soo proud of him. I pray it's this easy in the future. His counts were high so the shots are stopped for now.
Tomorrow is chemo. Please pray that his blood counts are good, pray for strength for Nathan. He left Monday in a great mood, saying bye to everyone with a huge smile, it was really cute. His hair is bushy, Sam decided not to cut it yet until it starts falling out but it looks kind of cute. I really love that little guy!
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Can I do This
I have a horrible migraine. I want to sleep and at the same time I don't want to. I'm just wondering if I can do this. I know there's no choice but Lord can I do this????
Chemo is tomorrow and Nathan is starting to act better. But Lord next week is his hospital stay when he'll be knocked back down again.
I just found a survivor story online. I contacted the mother who left a number for me to call her. Her daughter's situation was similar to Nathan's. But Lord as I read her journey online, the ups and downs, I just don't know if I can do this.
Lord I need strength so badly, not sure if I can do this. It's still the beginning, but Father I don't want to go through this.
What if Nathan gets a fever? What about the side effects from radiation? What about the sores in his mouth from Chemo? Lord the nausea? I just can't do this.
Lord how will I know what is causing him pain? His vocabulary is so limited, how will I know?
Lord give me the confidence of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendigo when they entered the furnace. Grant me just 1% of Solomon's wisdom. Give me the same heart as Hannah help me to entrust my only son into your care.
Lord you love Nathan. You made him and you know him. Give him peace. I'm not sure how much his young mind can understand right now. Heal his little body. I know we have to go through but Father please go easy on him. Calm him Lord. Hold him in your arms.
Lord is there anyway I can take his place? Can I please take his place, my life for his, my body for his?
Spare my child Lord. I know I don't deserve to have this answered any more than the next person. But I'm going to be asking it for awhile. Please spare him, let him grow up, get married and grow old serving you.
I know you'll get us through this no matter what. Lord you talk about peace that passes all understanding, Daniel had it in the lion's den, Paul wrote about being content. It exists, I know it does, Lord I need that, not just for me but for Sam and Nathan also.
Lastly Lord I thank you. I thank you for blessing me with my children. I thank you for a wonderful child like Nathan. Lord strange enough I thank you for trusting me with such a huge responsibility, especially since I don't trust myself. I thank you for a Godly, strong husband like Sam and a bright beautiful innocent daughter like Peyton. I thank you that Peyton is to young to understand this. I thank you for friends and family who have surrounded us. I just thank you for hearing my prayers. I thank you for everyone taking time to pray for us. There's so many people out there praying similar prayers I just thank you for the oppurtunity to present mine.
Lord help me to do this. To be strong for Nathan, it's such a long road I don't want to crash and burn now. Lord just please help me do this. In Jesus name Amen
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Chemo is tomorrow and Nathan is starting to act better. But Lord next week is his hospital stay when he'll be knocked back down again.
I just found a survivor story online. I contacted the mother who left a number for me to call her. Her daughter's situation was similar to Nathan's. But Lord as I read her journey online, the ups and downs, I just don't know if I can do this.
Lord I need strength so badly, not sure if I can do this. It's still the beginning, but Father I don't want to go through this.
What if Nathan gets a fever? What about the side effects from radiation? What about the sores in his mouth from Chemo? Lord the nausea? I just can't do this.
Lord how will I know what is causing him pain? His vocabulary is so limited, how will I know?
Lord give me the confidence of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendigo when they entered the furnace. Grant me just 1% of Solomon's wisdom. Give me the same heart as Hannah help me to entrust my only son into your care.
Lord you love Nathan. You made him and you know him. Give him peace. I'm not sure how much his young mind can understand right now. Heal his little body. I know we have to go through but Father please go easy on him. Calm him Lord. Hold him in your arms.
Lord is there anyway I can take his place? Can I please take his place, my life for his, my body for his?
Spare my child Lord. I know I don't deserve to have this answered any more than the next person. But I'm going to be asking it for awhile. Please spare him, let him grow up, get married and grow old serving you.
I know you'll get us through this no matter what. Lord you talk about peace that passes all understanding, Daniel had it in the lion's den, Paul wrote about being content. It exists, I know it does, Lord I need that, not just for me but for Sam and Nathan also.
Lastly Lord I thank you. I thank you for blessing me with my children. I thank you for a wonderful child like Nathan. Lord strange enough I thank you for trusting me with such a huge responsibility, especially since I don't trust myself. I thank you for a Godly, strong husband like Sam and a bright beautiful innocent daughter like Peyton. I thank you that Peyton is to young to understand this. I thank you for friends and family who have surrounded us. I just thank you for hearing my prayers. I thank you for everyone taking time to pray for us. There's so many people out there praying similar prayers I just thank you for the oppurtunity to present mine.
Lord help me to do this. To be strong for Nathan, it's such a long road I don't want to crash and burn now. Lord just please help me do this. In Jesus name Amen
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Trust God
As I'm being comforted by people now the most common thing I'm being told is to trust God. But I'm starting to wonder if we know what trust is, more specifically do we as Christians know the difference between trust and faith...
A good friend of mine has children with food allergies, this is very serious because if they're given something they're allergic too they can possibly die. She has to be very careful all the time and most important she has to trust God with her children. She ministered to me today telling me how she learned she doesn't have control, God does and how she had to come to that time in her life.
I met another beautiful mom last week who's child also have Rhabdomyosarcoma. She's been dealing with it longer than me, but she said several times our children are borrowed from God and she too told me about trust...
Then I was reading "When God Doesn't Make Sense" by James Dobson and he gave a wonderful illustration in his book that I'm going to paraphrase;
"There once was a tight rope walker who was the best in the world. His reputation was without blemish. This tightrope walker decided to walk across a deep cliff pushing a wheel barrow. He asked an onlooker "Do you have faith I can do this?" the onlooker said "of course I have faith you can do this!!! Your reputation precedes you!" The tightrope walker then said "Since you have faith, hop in the wheelbarrow as I push it across."
You see that's the difference, and going through this today, I told my friend I wonder if I've ever trusted God for anything before now and I don't think I have. Before this I don't think I knew the difference I may have thought I knew but truthfully I really didn't.
I'm still learning. I truly am learning. Learning not to say I trust Him but to mean it in my heart which is what God looks at. God may heal Nathan which is my only prayer, but then again He may not. So do I trust Him no matter what He decides?
That's where I am right now. It's the position given to Sam and me. Nathan has been doing well lately, he's playing and sleeping back in his bed though right now he's next to me :-)
I look at the road ahead and we're weary. I told Sam it's hard to think about the upcoming treatments and radiation. I don't want him poked and prodded anymore and put under everyday. I want it to stop. I have to send Peyton off with my parents who drive a Lexus (more trust - those darn toyota people). But I have no choice. God can remove it now if He wanted. He spoke and Lazarus came forth. He can do it but right now He's choosing not to. And lately I keep feeling something nagging me. I know God is at work. He's in this situation I've already seen evidence. He knows I have faith in Him and He knows I've said I trust Him but the nagging still remains. LaToya do you trust Me? He is God and Nathan is His first. I'm going to trust Him on this one. Not saying it's going to be easy but I have the most comfort in His plan no matter what that is.
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A good friend of mine has children with food allergies, this is very serious because if they're given something they're allergic too they can possibly die. She has to be very careful all the time and most important she has to trust God with her children. She ministered to me today telling me how she learned she doesn't have control, God does and how she had to come to that time in her life.
I met another beautiful mom last week who's child also have Rhabdomyosarcoma. She's been dealing with it longer than me, but she said several times our children are borrowed from God and she too told me about trust...
Then I was reading "When God Doesn't Make Sense" by James Dobson and he gave a wonderful illustration in his book that I'm going to paraphrase;
"There once was a tight rope walker who was the best in the world. His reputation was without blemish. This tightrope walker decided to walk across a deep cliff pushing a wheel barrow. He asked an onlooker "Do you have faith I can do this?" the onlooker said "of course I have faith you can do this!!! Your reputation precedes you!" The tightrope walker then said "Since you have faith, hop in the wheelbarrow as I push it across."
You see that's the difference, and going through this today, I told my friend I wonder if I've ever trusted God for anything before now and I don't think I have. Before this I don't think I knew the difference I may have thought I knew but truthfully I really didn't.
I'm still learning. I truly am learning. Learning not to say I trust Him but to mean it in my heart which is what God looks at. God may heal Nathan which is my only prayer, but then again He may not. So do I trust Him no matter what He decides?
That's where I am right now. It's the position given to Sam and me. Nathan has been doing well lately, he's playing and sleeping back in his bed though right now he's next to me :-)
I look at the road ahead and we're weary. I told Sam it's hard to think about the upcoming treatments and radiation. I don't want him poked and prodded anymore and put under everyday. I want it to stop. I have to send Peyton off with my parents who drive a Lexus (more trust - those darn toyota people). But I have no choice. God can remove it now if He wanted. He spoke and Lazarus came forth. He can do it but right now He's choosing not to. And lately I keep feeling something nagging me. I know God is at work. He's in this situation I've already seen evidence. He knows I have faith in Him and He knows I've said I trust Him but the nagging still remains. LaToya do you trust Me? He is God and Nathan is His first. I'm going to trust Him on this one. Not saying it's going to be easy but I have the most comfort in His plan no matter what that is.
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